Outside the courtroom, people was still talkin’, whisperin’, starin’, and I felt like I was watchin’ a movie about somebody else’s life. Everything kept movin’ too fast around me except my own thoughts, which was crawlin’ slow and heavy. Treasure helped me down the steps ‘cause my knees felt weak, and when we got to the car, she pulled me into a hug before I could even open the door.
“If you need anything, Toni, call me,” she said.
I wrapped my arms around her and held on tight ‘cause she was the only thing keepin’ me from fallin’ apart in front of all these people. “I love you,” I whispered without even realizin’ I had actually said that shit.
“I love you too, baby girl,” she said back, and she rubbed my back for a second before lettin’ go. “Get home safe.”
I nodded and got in the car, and when the door shut everything finally went quiet. It wasn’t no damn quiet peaceful either. It was just quiet enough for me to hear how loud my heart was beatin’ in my chest. I sat there for a second with my hands on the wheel, tryna breathe, and stop my mind from runnin’ wild.
Kay’Lo’s face wouldn’t leave my head. He looked tired and defeated, and even though he stayed strong in front of everybody, I knew him. I knew his spirit. I knew the way his pride worked, and I knew bein’ dragged away again probably made him feel like he was failin’ me all over again.
I started drivin’ slow, and my phone rang not long after I pulled off. It was Sha’Nelle.
“Hey boo, you good?” I could tell she wanted to ask me how court went but didn’t.
“I’m a’ight,” I said ‘cause that was easier than tellin’ her the truth. “I’m on my way home now.”
“Good, ‘cause the food almost ready,” she said. “Come eat somethin’ so you don’t be fallin’ out on me, bitch.”
I told her I would and we hung up, and I kept drivin’, but the closer I got to the house, the harder everything felt. My chest felt tight again and my stomach turned, and it wasn’t just the pregnancy. It was fear. It was love, anger and everything all mixed together until I couldn’t tell which feelin’ belonged to what.
I kept thinkin’ about how I still hadn’t told Kay’Lo what his daddy did with the therapist. Every time I thought about tellin’ him I felt wrong. It ain’t feel like somethin’ he needed to hear while he was sittin’ in a cell tryna hold his shit together. I ain’t wanna make him more angry or hurt or confused than he already was. I ain’t wanna be the reason he snapped on somebody else in there and made everything worse.
And I kept thinkin’ about Abeni too. The way she just took over the entire courtroom like it belonged to her. The way she talked to the judge like she wasn’t askin’ for shit, but was tellin’ him what needed to happen. She scared the hell out of me sometimes, but she was also the only reason I still had hope. She was the type of woman who made impossible shit move, and part of me trusted her more than I trusted anybody right now. This wasn’t my world. This was the Mensah’s. This was powerful people doin’ powerful shit behind scenes I ain’t even know existed.
But I was still Kay’Lo’s wife, and every time I thought about him sittin’ alone in that damn cell my eyes started burnin’.
Halfway home, I couldn’t take it no more. My stomach rolled like I was about to throw up ‘cause my head felt too full. I pulled over on the side of the road and put the car in park. My hands shook when I let go of the wheel, and once I pressed my forehead against it everything inside me came up all at once.
I started cryin’ hard. My chest hurt, and I tried to breathe through it, but the more I thought about Kay’Lo walkin’ away in cuffs without lookin’ at me, the harder it hit.
I missed my husband. I missed his voice. I missed his smell, and I wanted his hands on my belly imagin’ our baby growin’ in there.
I was scared of losin’ him and raisin’ our baby alone. I was scared that this fight between the Mensah’s and Lennox’s was somethin’ I wasn’t built for.
I cried until my throat hurt and my eyes felt swollen, and even then I couldn’t stop. I just wanted my nigga home. I just wanted to go back to the way life felt when he was breathin’ next to me every night.
The world kept movin’ around me while I stayed parked on the side of the road sobbin’ in my hands, and all I could do was cry like my tears would bring him back.
“Kay’Lo… baby, please come home.”
But the only answer was the sound of cars passin’ by and my own heart breakin’.
The Trill-Land Justice Holding Center
The shit that went down in the courtroom had me feelin’ like my whole world got dropped on my fuckin’ head, and every breath I took was tightenin’ somethin’ inside me that I couldn’t fight off. They had me cuffed and surrounded by COs like I was on some terroristic threat shit, when all I wanted was to walk back to my wife and tell her that everything was gon’ be alright. But the judge denied my bond, and the second that gavel hit the bench, it felt like the ground disappeared.
The bailiffs gripped my arms and walked me out, and I kept my eyes straight ‘cause I couldn’t afford to look back again. I had already seen Toni’s face once, and the shit damn near ripped a hole clean through me. Her eyes was glossy, her breathin’ was uneven, and she was tryna hold it together in front of everybodylike she wasn’t breakin’ on the inside. My mama held her hand and rubbed her arm slow, and I wished I could trade places with her ‘cause neither of them belonged in no courtroom hurtin’ behind me.
Pressure stood up when they pulled me past him, and even though he ain’t say nothin’, I could feel him tellin’ me to stand tall. Renza had his hand on Pluto’s shoulder like he was tryna keep himself from runnin’ after me too. My pops clenched his jaw and looked down at his shoes, and my auntie stared at Lennox like she was choosin’ which part of him she was gon’ destroy first. Every one of the faces followed me in my head as I got dragged through that hallway.
The COs talked around me like I wasn’t even there, and the longer they walked, the hotter my skin felt. I kept my hands in the cuffs and tried to control my breathin’ so I ain’t flash out right there on these bitches. Every sound in the hallway bounced around too sharp, and my thoughts felt like they was stackin’ on top of each other in a way I couldn’t push down. The more I thought about Toni bein’ home alone and pregnant while I was trapped in a cell, the more somethin’ in my chest pulled tight.
They pushed me into the transport cage to take me back, and the metal walls felt too damn close. I leaned my head back and swallowed hard, tryna focus on anything except the way my thoughts crept up behind my eyes. When we made it back to the jail, they walked me through intake like I was a new inmate. The fluorescent lights felt too bright, and the noises in the background kept jumpin’ out like they was right up on me even when they wasn’t.
When they finally uncuffed me and shoved me inside my cell, the door slammed with a weight that vibrated through my ribs. I stood there for a second, holdin’ onto the bars even though nobody was on the other side. My mind was loud as hell, andthe room felt too tight, like the walls was pressin’ in with every inhale I took.
I sat down on the bunk and leaned forward with my elbows on my knees. I dragged a hand down my face and tried to push the thoughts back, but the harder I tried, the stronger everything felt. The room tilted a lil’, then steadied, then shifted again, and my chest got heavy with the need to calm myself before I lost control. I laid down on my side, facin’ the wall ‘cause it felt safer that way, and I forced my eyes to stay closed even though my mind was still runnin’.
