Logan:~ Thanks for not outing me.This is totally the wrong time.How would it look?The Tornados call me up and I turn around and say “Thanks and BTW you now have a gay player.”
Miles:~ I guess you should play a couple of games for them before that, sure.
Logan:~ I need to establish myself.This is my last shot at the AHL, probably.
Miles:~ Establish.How long is that?
Logan:~ However long it takes.
Miles:~ So you’re going back in the closet for a week?A month?
Logan:~ I never came out.
Miles:~ Good thing they didn’t call you up three hours later, huh?After you would’ve stood up next to me and said we were in love.
I’d typed out about fifteen different answers to that, from apologies to self-righteous pointing out this was for the best.I finally sent one.
Logan:~ I love you, but I didn’t think I’d ever get a chance at the AHL again.It’s been two years since I was called up for even one game.
Miles:~ So you were willing to come out with me when you figured your career was in the toilet.But as soon as that might not be true, then what?You want to stuff me back in the closet?
Logan:~ If you gave that speech, it’s a bit late for that, right?
Miles:~ Yeah.The video has six thousand hits already and three reporters have called me.
Logan:~ Are you going to talk to them?Wouldn’t it be better to play it cool?
Miles:~ Better for who?The point was to make a statement, shine a light on homophobic bullying in sports.
I’d flinched, because the last thing I wanted at that moment was shining a light or being a spokesman.
Logan:~ That was your point, not mine.
Miles:~ You’re saying what?I pushed you?This was all my idea?
Logan:~ Well, it was.
I’d regretted that as soon as I sent it.Made a half-hearted attempt to soften it.
Logan:~ I agreed, of course I did, but the plan was yours.
Logan:~ Look, I think it’s great you took this step.You’re totally going to be a role model.
Logan:~ I’d have loved to know a guy like you was gay, back when I started out.
Miles:~ What about a guy like you?
My throat had tightened to choking at the unfairness of him asking that as I rode the fucking train to my last fucking chance at the AHL.My thumbs flew on the keyboard.
Logan:~ Fuck off.I’m doing the best I can.
Miles:~ Right.Well, I’m not going to step back in the closet for you.I hope you realize that.
Logan:~ I’m not asking you to.
Miles:~ I’m going to gay bars and queer events and giving interviews and all the stuff we said we’d do.I won’t mention you, at all, but I didn’t take this step to shut up and hide in the shadows again.
We’d made plans, talking in the quiet of evening in his bed, fitted warm together with his skin touching mine.We were going to be visible.Maybe even a little over the top.We were not going to do the “is this straight-acting enough?”charade and keep the PDAs chaste.We’d beoutout.Miles loved dancing.I loved Miles.We’d talked about the clubs we’d go to, in Portland and Seattle, maybe down to San Francisco in the off season.
