I’d been stunned he still said that without me in the room.That phrase marked the moment where we’d planned for me to join him.At those words, I was supposed to get up out of my chair and walk to his side, and we’d have faced the rest together.
Only I’d been on that train, and Miles must’ve known I wasn’t there, though he wouldn’t yet have understood why.Instead, he continued, “But this isn’t about my personal journey, it’s about smoothing the way for the next generation of players.The best time for me to come out and make a difference would have been years ago, when I was being paid millions of dollars in the NFL.But the next best time is now.I want all the queer kids in this room and out there playing sports to know you’re not alone.Therearehundreds of gay men in professional sports, I guarantee it.I can’t say how long it will take for your orientation not to matter to teams and fans.I’m not going to lie to you— it’s still scary, and it’s still not wrong to hide, for your own safety— but I want you to knownotto be ashamed.Fear is rational, practical.Shame is something other people impose on you from their screwed-up viewpoint.”
Miles took a sip of water from his bottle and smiled.I thought the smile looked sad, but perhaps that was me knowing what came later.“Being queer is awesome and has zero to do with how well you play a sport.Look at Scott Edison.Look at Karl Nassib, or Tom Daley, or a dozen other out gay men who reached the top of their sports.Be proud.And straight folks in this room, let me lay something on you.It isyourjob to protect those kids.Yourjob to stand up for them, and make sure your team, your school, your locker room, is a safe place.So that one day, gay players don’t spend half their time and energy figuring out how to hide, and can actually focus on the game.You want to win?Make sure your Scott Edison or Tom Daley doesn’t quit from being bullied, before he finds out how amazing he can be.”
There was a scattering of applause, and Miles held up his hand.“That probably wasn’t the speech you expected to get from me, but it was the one I needed to give.Sports have been an enormous, wonderful part of my life.The games we love build bodies, build teamwork and friendships, they build character.It’s up to us to make that even better, forallthe players, regardless of race, religion, orientation, size, gender, or nationality.I’m throwing that out to you as a challenge, and asking each and every one of you to step up to it, especially those of you who can shrug off all the nastiest insults because none of them apply to you.Be a part of getting the bullying out of the locker room and off the field.Make a difference.Thank you.”
There were another few minutes of the video, where the organizer of Way to Play thanked Miles without mentioning the big gay reveal, and then Miles gave out the “Most Improved Team” award, but I turned off the video.I skipped the comments too, with their assortment of approval, crude insults, and passive-aggressive “We don’t need to know who you sleep with.”
Instead, I went to our message thread, where my last two texts were marked with a little red exclamation point of “message could not be delivered.”
At the beginning, after a string of texts from Miles asking ever more urgently where I was, came my answer, an hour too late.
Logan:~ I got called up to the Tornados!One of their guys is on LTIR with some upper-body injury.On the train to Tacoma.Can you wait with your speech?
Miles:~ Are you okay?
Logan:~ Yeah.I'm fine.Great.Just had this call-up hit me out of the blue.
Miles: ~Why the train?What happened?
Logan:~ The Tornados called and my fucking car died in the arena parking lot and I had to have it towed.Had to scramble and pack.I’m so sorry about the speech.I’m literally traveling rn.
Miles:~ Oh.
Miles:~ Congratulations.
Logan:~ Thanks.We should plan differently.
Miles:~ I gave the speech.I didn’t mention your name, though.
Logan:~ Fuck.Is it that late?I lost track.
Miles:~ It’s after seven.The banquet was at six.
Logan:~ Shit.Sorry.
Miles:~ Yeah.
Logan: ~So you came out?
Miles:~ Yeah, I did.
Logan:~ How did it go?
Miles:~ You know, about what we expected.Some great folks, some uncomfortable, a few “how can you be a six-five football player and be gay?”No one really shitty to my face.
Even though my stomach had been in knots right then, I’d tried to be happy and proud of him.
Logan:~ I’m glad.
Miles:~ I’ve already had some calls with invitations to do media.
Logan:~ Are you going to?
Miles:~ Yeah.We talked about that.I want it to mean something.
I’d rewritten the next text a few times before sending it.
