“Here, bella,” Mickey said, gently setting down a bowl of soup in front of me. “You eat that slow, alright? When’s the last time you had food?”
“I—I don’t remember,” I whispered hoarsely. “I keep throwing it up.”
Heath rubbed her forehead. “Maybe some saltines too then, Mick.” He left us again, and Heath leaned a little closer. “Arden, I know this is hard, but you have to try to calm down or you’llpass out. Why don’t you try to eat a little. Maybe it will take your mind off the panic.”
I nodded jaggedly, my hand trembling as I dipped the spoon and brought some of the soup to my lips. Flavor burst over my tongue, and my eyes widened.
Heath laughed a little. “Yeah, I know. The guy can cook.”
I dropped the spoon with a clatter and grabbed the bowl with both hands, bringing it to my mouth. Heath’s lips parted in surprise as I drained the thing in seconds. It was just broth, but it was so fucking good and I wassofucking hungry. Mickey barely made it back with saltines before Heath shoved my empty bowl at him and he brought me more. I finished three bowls before Monty and Alexander were back. My body was still shaking, nervous tremors running through every limb, but some of the dark spots were clearing from my vision. Monty draped her leopard fluffy robe on top of Alexander’s coat on my shoulders and handed me a pillow.
“To hug,” she said softly. “It helps me sometimes.”
I took it gratefully, wrapping my arms around it and releasing a shallow breath of relief. It felt nice to hold something, even if I wasn’t ready to be touched yet.
Everyone looked at Alexander expectantly, and I slowly looked up at him, too.
He stood awkwardly, the most awkward I’d seen him, and showed his empty hands. “I couldn’t find anything. Sorry.”
I shook my head and looked down, squeezing the pillow. “It’s fine.” I didn’t want anything from him anyway.
“It’s—not,” he said, his voice breaking.
My shoulders tensed.
There was a glassy sheen to his eyes, his jaw clenched tight. His hands balled into fists at his sides, but before he did, they’d been shaking. “He has my sister,” he said hoarsely. “He’s doingthatto my sister.” He gestured toward me before grasping his head and walking away before anyone could see him break.
“I got it,” Mickey said, shooting a look at Monty and Heath before going after Alexander.
Heath reached up and took Monty’s hand before extending her other to me. “Why don’t we go upstairs and get you into something comfy, yeah? Just us girls?”
It took time before I was back in the apartment, but slowly the panic was traded for shame. I hated that I’d broken like that. I needed Alexander to want to work with me, to see me as the strong asset he needed. Otherwise, Creed could be put in serious danger, and it’d be my fault. Fear gnawed to life inside my gut, eating away at me.
Monty and Heath showed me to my room, leaving some of Monty’s pajamas on the bed for me. They left after I went silent, unable to really answer them. I just wanted to be alone or with Creed, and since I couldn’t have the latter, I chose to wall myself off instead. I didn’t bother changing clothes, curling up on the bed and holding myself to sleep.
Sometime in the night, someone came in and covered me up, but sleeping on my good ear, I didn’t notice until the morning. Even then, the sunlight peering in between heavy curtains, I couldn’t get myself to move. Mickey brought me more broth, which I was grateful for, but I didn’t know how I was supposed to face any of them after what happened. By that afternoon, thebedroom door creaked open, and I knew by the hesitation in the gesture that it was Alexander. He might’ve been talking. I think I heard his voice slightly muffled through the pillow. Closing my eyes, knowing I had nothing else to lose, I rolled over to face him in the doorway.
“I can’t hear you if I’m on my right ear,” I explained. “I’m deaf in my left, and while we’re at it, I’m also partially blind in my left eye.” I took a breath, looking down to avoid his relentless stare. “I’m not the perfect soldier. I never was. The most I know is how to light someone on fire and how to get fucked over. I’m sorry Halden has your sister. I truly am. I know what it is to be in that place, but because of that—despite how much I want to destroy Halden and Viktor—I don’t know how to go back without panicking. I’ve been trying to build the bomb, trying to get over it, but I think knowing I have to face him again is what’s doing this to me.”
Alexander stepped into the room, softly letting the door click shut behind him. He slowly made his way to the bed before it dipped in front of me. I still couldn’t meet his eyes, so I stared down at the rumpled sheets.
“Honestly,” I said hoarsely, remembering the words Kane once spoke to me and how they’d glued to my soul, “I’m nothing but a well-used whore, Alexander. I’m useless to you. Halden and Viktor know better than to ever be seduced by me, meaning I’d never get close enough to set them on fire. I know you said explosives, but I don’t know the first thing about wiring a bomb or—”
“Arden, just stop for a second,” he said quietly. “I didn’t come in here to talk about any of that. I came in here to make sure you’re okay.”
Slowly, I lifted my eyes, following his body up to his face. He was settled on the bed next to me, his arms folded and his face pensive. His hair was slightly damp, curling at the ends like he’djust taken a shower. He was in black sweats and a navy shirt. I hadn’t seen him without sleeves, so it was the first time I noticed all his ink. He had so many tattoos, some that looked eerily similar to Rafe’s, as if they’d had some of the same Buyers. My chest hollowed with the realization. “I keep forgetting you were one of Viktor’s,” I said softly.
Alexander dipped his chin but didn’t say anything else. He wasn’t looking at me, just out across the room, his gaze hardened.
“You kept me alive,” I said honestly.
He looked down at that, his brows drawing together.
“I got your room,” I told him, my voice soft in the dark of the bedroom. “‘To the great escape’ was carved into the bed, and I traced over it every single day.”
His throat worked, his crossed arms loosening a bit.
“For a really long time, that was all I had—the hope that some kid had been in that room before me and had gottenout,” I explained. I scooted up in bed, my shoulder brushing his. He tensed, shifting away slightly, and I did the same. “Alexander,” I said, shaking my head. “You did it. You got out. I get going to rescue Florence, but why would you ever go back to Viktor’s when you’ve finally left that life behind? I know why I need to. I don’t really have much to lose, but you…you have the Ravens, an entire fucking legacy.”
