That'shis takeaway from what I just ranted?My expression says it all.
"I just mean… when youtold her how you felt, she said she felt the same way.You said sheknows how you feel about her.Because you told her, right?But whenyou told her, she felt the same…
"It isn't as if you'vetold her since.And judging by her reaction tonight—which is,again, the reason we're having this conversation—she obviouslystill has feelings for you.So by your own logic, if you didn'tknow that fact before tonight, even though she'd told you so in thepast, don't you think it's possible that shedoesn'tactually know how you feelabout her?You've kind of been avoiding her the last fewweeks…"
I'm still way too drunk tofollow his logic.Fortunately, he realizes this almost immediatelyand revises his play.
"If you thought she wentfrom loving you to over you in a few fucking weeks, don't you thinkmaybe she thinks the same about you?"
My brow furrows and Iblink at my friend.
What the hell is happeninghere?
I'm drunk.So very drunk.But Tucker is using my own logic against me and has kind of justmade sense of fucking everything.Is it really possible she thinksI don't want her anymore?That I don't love her?
The thought kills me.Completely fucking guts me.I never even considered the possibilitythat she didn't know.Buthowcould she not know?And how isTuckerthe one bringingthis to my attention?
I'm still stuck in thisalternate universe, where on top of the day I've already had, nowTucker lands Carl for a girlfriend and suddenly he's fuckingRelationship Yoda.
"I fucked her," I admit,my intoxicated brain making my voice sound way too loud as my headstarts to pound."No, notfuckedher.You know…" I will not saymade loveout loud, notto Tucker.But now that Tucker has Carl, I think he might know whatI mean, or at least something like it.I'm not sure anyone couldhave ever experienced how it is with Rory and me.
Tuck lets out a shortlaugh.I am amusing to him.I guess I am a littleslurry.
"Whatever.That day shewas all falling asleep at lunch.At the diner.And I took her homebefore sixth period, remember?"
Tuck nods.
"So one thing led toanother, and then after… she was acting like it was just a friendswith benefits kind of thing.Like it was no fucking big deal.That's when I decided to back off for good.It finally got throughto me that she just didn't want to fucking be with me.And I gotmad.And then… I just needed to distract myself."Tucker hadn'tknown about that.I doubt anyone did, since Rory is just as privateas I am.All Tucker knew was that Rory and I had had an argumentand I called him to pick me up and drive me back to school to pickup my car.
"So after youyou-knowedher," Tuckreplies, and my eyes narrow."And she acted all casual, what'd youdo?Did you tell her that itwasn'tno big fucking deal toyou?Did you tell her how youfelt?"
I glare at him, and I seea flash of anxiety in his eyes.It's barely even there before it'sgone.Tucker and I have always had a no-holds-barred kind offriendship.We don't sugar coat things, and we've always both beenthick skinned enough to take it.But right now, I'm pissedagain.
How dare he imply thatthis fucking torture is my own doing?That I didn't do enough toget my girl back?I put myself fucking out there.I'd been allabout that girl since the first day I ever saw her.I put myselfout there and she fucking obliterated my fucking heart.And Tuckeris saying Ididn't?
Now I'm morefuckingpissed.And I guess Tucker might be thinking about the other times he'sseen me both drunk and pissed off.A few brawls at house partiesand two bar fights.Well three if you include tonight.I wasn'teven actually drunk for the second one.But it happened in a barand I was underage so it landed me back with weekly appointmentswith Dr.Schall for six months.Nobody gave a shit that the prickI'd laid out fucking deserved it.That he'd grabbed some girl's asseven after she told him to leave her alone.But the othertimes—those times I was just drunk and pissed for some reason oranother, a bad combination for me.
And Tuck's implying Ididn't fight for Rory is making me want to fighthim.
"You make it sound like Ijust gave up.I fucking fought for her!"I growl.Since when do I fuckinggrowl?
And then Tucker fuckingshrugs.Again.And that agitates me even more."Did you?"He saysthe wrong goddamned thing, and then makes the mistake of notbacking up before I charge him.
I swing hard, and he'slucky I'm drunk, because though the hit lands, it connects with hisshoulder instead of his jaw.He pushes me back and we grapple, andmy back hits the side of his stupid fucking bunk bed.Motherfuckthathurt.
I strike again, a solidpunch to his stomach, and Tuck bends over and grunts.He growls ashe runs at me, knocking me to the ground, but in my current state,we're pretty evenly matched, and we wind up in a wrestler'shold.
"Youdidn'tfucking fight for her!Shooting the messenger isn't going to change that!"Tuckshouts.
"I fucking love her!"Islur, losing my resolve.
What the fuck is wrongwith me?
Why am I fighting Tuckerwhen it's myself I want to fucking hit?I loosen my gripmarginally, and Tucker does the same, albeit cautiously.
"I never doubted that,"Tuck takes a deep breath.
I reverse my grip and pushhim away from me instead.He catches his footing easily.Of course,he's not the drunk one.He straightens out his shirt, and runs hisfingers through his hair."I just think, well, maybeshedoubtsit."
