Holy fucking shit.Ididn'tfightfor her.
It's amazing how fastrealizing you've destroyed your own fucking life can sober you up.That night in Miami ricochets through my slowly clearingmind.
She asked me if I meant itwhen I said that if she couldn't handle a relationship, we could goback to being friends.What else could I do?Not honor my word?Give her an ultimatum when she needed my friendship more than ever?She'd just been fucking attacked, again, and she still thinks he'sjust going to get away with it.
I'd told Rory that if shecouldn't handle a relationship she just had to tell me and we wouldgo back to being friends.And that's exactly what she did.So I didwhat I'd said I would.Rory fucking needed me.
And then when I'd putmyself on the line with her again, when I'd given in and taken whatI'd been so desperate for, for so damn long, she… alright, fuck it,she broke my goddamned heart.All fucking over again.
And fine, I was pissedthen, too.It fuckinghurt.
I fall back onto the lowermattress."I call bottom bunk," I mumble.
Tuck sighs; he knows he'sgotten through to me.Fucking Tucker.
"Who the fuck still hasbunk beds at our age?You're about to go to fucking college."I'vebeen teasing him about this since the eighth grade.He doesn't giveany more of a shit now than he did back then.
"Like you could climb upto the top bunk anyway, you're fucking hammered, bro," he shootsback as he makes his way into the adjoining bathroom to brush histeeth.
"Fuck you."
And as I lay back on thebed, too drunk to bother washing up despite the sobering effect ofmy epiphany—thanks to Tucker Green, of all people—my mind reelsinterminably with the thought that getting her back is apossibility.Because,fuck, maybe she really doesn'tknow.
****
It'sa damn good thing it's SeniorSleep-in because I woke up hung the fuck over.I had barely thirtyminutes to shower and make it to school before I would've beentardy even for the afternoon block of classes.
I passed out last nightwhile silently lamenting over the realization that Rory might stillhave feelings for me—that she might somehow not know that I stillhave feelings for her.
Ha.Feelings.That's bullshit if I everheard it.More like she might not know that I'm still head overfucking heels, batshit crazy in love with her.
But the late morning lightis brutal and unforgiving, blinding me with the harsh glare ofreality.Because feelings or not,loveor not, she still broke thingsoff with me.She could have taken it back at any point—certainlywhen I had her naked in my arms again.
Fuck.
It killed me.How sheacted afterwards.I'd been laid fucking bare that afternoon, openedmy chest and put my heart on the line, again, even after she'dbroken it once already.And she reached on in, and shredded it allover again.
So yeah, just because it'spossible that she might still feel something for me—at least enoughthat some chick flirting with me at a bar caused her to fly intosome jealous rage—doesn't really mean anything is actuallydifferent.
Even if it was afuckinghotjealous rage.
I sigh.It's allirrelevant.The point is that none of it means she wants to be withme.Because if she wanted to be with me, she would be withme.
So feelings or not--asmuch as the possibility of it fucking thrills me—I'm pretty damnsure it doesn't actually change anything.It doesn't mean there'sanything I can do about the situation if she just wants to befriends.If she still can't handle something more.
My drunken Tucker-inducedepiphany only reiterates the hopelessness of the situation.It onlyproves that none of the details actually matter.That there's nogetting Rory back, and it's time I accept that.
The only thing that lastnight has changed is my realization that I was wrong in pushing heraway.It was fucking selfish and vindictive.I feel ashamed that Iever treated her that way.
I'm supposed to be herfriend.Her best fucking friend.And I've been avoiding her forweeks.And then last night she fucking flinched away from me.Shesays it was just a conditioned reaction because ofthat motherfucking bastard.And maybe she's telling the truth.Rory's never been aliar.It's not who she is.She rationalizes half-truths, but neverlies, not without practically chewing her lip off.But even if shemeant what she said, it doesn't mean it didn't also have somethingto do with me.God knows she's seen me lose my temperenough.
Fuck.I'm such a dick.Ifeel like I can't do anything right by her, and maybe she's rightto have ended it in the first place.Maybe I am meant to only beher friend.
I sure as hell don't thinkI could handle putting myself out there like that again—being thatvulnerable—and then having the same thing happen.
How could our friendshipsurvive?Especially after how I've behaved.
I owe it to her to accepther decision and to be a good friend to her.I know I do.And Ifucking will.Starting today.
