I loathe seeing her upset.The sight of it guts me and faint nausea swells inside me, like Ihave an adverse physical reaction to her sorrow.Like my bodyrejects it outright.
And I'm the reason she'supset.I pushed her to attend this brunch.
I push my fingers throughmy hair reflexively.
"Ror, I'm sorry," I tellher.Her brows pinch together vaguely.Like maybe she's confused.But also a little not confused.Like she agrees that I should besorry forsomething, she's just surprised I agree, or even know what it is."Danny didn't realize.I didn't mention it—"
"It's fine."Sheinterrupts.An ice-cold chill shivers down my spine.
It's an unsettling momentof deja vu.Of the morning I met her.When she'd panicked outsideof calc, and she kept insisting she was fine.It was before we wereevenjust friends.When we werenothing.And I don't want to go backto that.It's enough that I have to give up the something more.ButI'm supposed to be her friend—her best friend, supposedly.And Iwon't acceptnothingfrom her.I can't.
"It's notfine, Rory.He's got aproblem, my cousin.He's completely incapable of basic socialawareness.He's always putting his foot in his mouth.And it's myfault, because I should have prepared him and told him not to bringup—"
"Sam, you couldn't haveanticipated your cousin asking you about Miami…" she trails off fora moment and swallows nervously."Or about some girl you mentionedthe last time you spoke."Her accent peeks out when she's upset,though she's getting better and better at keeping it at bay.I wishshe wouldn't keep it hidden.It's fucking adorable.Andsexy.
Then it hits me that Roryis jealous.My smirk is immediate and insuppressible.Does shereally not understand that she was thehotchick?Did she think that when I saidDanny put his foot in his mouth, that I'd meant to imply that Dannymistook her for the girl I'd obviously talked about?That maybethere was some other girl I'd spoken about since ourtrip?
The idea is ridiculous,but Rory doesn't agree, and my amusement only annoys her further.But I enjoy it, because I know I'm about to cheer her up—at leastif that's really what got her so upset in the first place.Well,that and Danny bringing up the assault, anyway.
"Yes, but it's my faultfor not mentioning to Danny that the, uh,hot chickwas going to be at brunch,Ror.Though I would have thought it would have been made obviouswhen he saw you."I say the last part slowly, and take immensepleasure in watching the blush steal over her skin, starting at hercheeks, and disappearing beneath the collar of hershirt.
Tension subtly slips fromher body, though her arms tighten around herself.I feel ananswering twitch in my own muscles.The need to hold her istaunting me.To hug and comfort, and touch.
Just friends.
"Oh," Rorybreathes.
"Oh," I repeat, my smirk stretchingfurther.
I wait for her to relax,for the relief I'll feel when her sour mood lifts, but it doesn'thappen.The weight in my chest intensifies.I should have realizedthat Danny's bringing upthatmotherfucking bastardatbrunch without warning would fuck with her head.And I don't knowhow to fix it.Ican'tfix it.And I feel fucking powerless.It's a terriblefeeling.Any lingering humor has drained completely and I feel ourdistance in some existential way.
I feel utterly lost.Ijust keep stumbling in every which way, unable find my footing inthis new kind of friendship.Before Miami, when we were justfriends, I knew I had real feelings for her.And it was hard.Navigating the blurry lines of that version of our friendship.Butin Rory and Sam—Just Friends 2.0, it's like I'm adrift at sea, withno real guidelines on what my role even is.
"You're going?"I ask her.I already know that she is.It's what she does when things get toohard, and I don't even blame her for it.This was supposed to be acasual fucking brunch.
Rory shrugs.It's anaffirmative answer I've come to expect from her when she thinksshe'll be judged for answeringyes.It's her way of sayingAnd so what if I am?Itake an automatic step forward.It's not a conscious decision.It'sas if her presence just draws me in.
"Do you want me to driveyou?"I offer.What I really want is to push her to stay.But I'velearned to pick my battles with her and this one is a lostcause.
Rory shakes her head."Carl's just sayin' bye.She's gonna drive me."
I sigh in reluctantacceptance."I really am sorry, Ror.Don't let Danny's stupidcomment upset you.I mean how moronic could he be?What kind of anidiot says a girl got attacked because she's so hot guys can't—" Icut myself off.It hits me like a wrecking ball.Why Danny's wordshit Rory so hard.
Her issues with blame andself doubt.Her piece of shit father and all the guilt he laid ather feet for her own abuse.I take another compulsive step forward,the muscles in my arms clenching harshly to keep them from wrappingaround her.
"It was a ridiculous thingto say.However you look, whatever you wear, whatever you do, noone has a right to lay a hand on you, Rory.None of it was yourfault," I say intently.I hold her gaze fiercely, watching to seewhether she accepts my words, or if she's really still thinkingthat she'd asked for that fucking torture in some way.
Her eyes fill withmoisture and it catches in her lashes, making them look impossiblydark and thick, framing such uncertain, beautiful brown eyes thatcompletely undo me.Her arms tighten around herself evenmore.
Rory is foundering.She isstrong, but even the strongest of us need support, and right nowshe is particularly vulnerable, and she isfoundering.
I don't make a consciousdecision to break my rule.It just happens.My arms envelop her,one around her waist, the other bracing her back, my fingersdigging into her loose auburn hair and pulling her face to mychest.
I whisper repeatedapologies and reassurances while her small body racks with stifled,silent sobs.She keeps her face buried in my polo shirt until shepulls herself together.
I heed her cues when shepulls away, though there isn't a single part of me that wants tolet her go.I can read in her eyes that she's harboring a question,and she's unsure as to whether or not she wants to askit.
I brush my thumb acrossher cheeks to rid them of the residual tears, and then tuck herhair behind her ear.Her eyes close, and it takes everything I havenot to let my fingers linger.I silently implore her to askwhatever it is she wants to ask, and so I remain silent.
