"My God," I murmur to myself, "Robin had it backwards." Vaguely I'm aware I'm talking out loud, but I'm still too thrown from that kiss to do anything but blurt.I always do this when I'm freaking out about something - ramble without a filter - and I've done it to Cam a thousand times.But I never had anything to hide from Cam, it was never about him. I stare down at my lap, my mind racing in every direction.
"Ror-"
"He always said that you wantme, but,Jesus, it's the other way around!" Maybe Robin wasn't just paranoid after all. Maybe there was something to his charges. Only Cam's not the guilty party,I am.
"Rory- Wait... what are you saying?" Cam asks carefully.
I rally and pull myself the hell together. I have to fix this. This isCam. "I'm sorry, Cam. I'm so sorry.I shouldn't have done that-"
"Youshouldn't have done that?" His eyes are wide with astonishment and he barks out a short laugh. "Youdidn'tdo that, Rory girl.Idid that. And what do you meanit's the other way around? I take advantage of you when you're vulnerable, the day after you break up with your boyfriend, and youstillbelieve I don't want you?" he shakes his head and chokes back another laugh, his eyes settling meaningfully on mine.
I'm stunned, but he's now staring at me in a way that makes it impossible to process words.The way he's looking at me has the room feeling about ten degrees warmer. I feel desperate again. I want him. It's no longer deniable. His eyes devour me. His look - it's hungry, but not predatory. Robin never looked at me like this. He had his own look, sure, but it never made me so perfectly desirable, at least not without the fear.
"How many times do I have to tell you how beautiful you are? How any man would be lucky to have you? How you're the kinda girl to marry?Jesus, Ror, I even told you I couldn't give you a little kiss without gettin' hard." It's like he can't believe I could actually doubt he wantsme.
My eyes involuntarily dart to his lap and confirm his conspicuous arousal. His gaze doesn't waver from my eyes, though he couldn't have missed my checking him out. Somehow, I feel no embarrassment.
And he's right, too. He has made it clear he finds me attractive, but for some reason I always heard him say I wasattractive, not that he wasattracted tome, and for some reason, it makes a monumental difference. But, in retrospect, I realize he has been pretty up front about it.
I try and force myself to sober. He's a seventeen year old boy who thinks I'm "hot". His word. He's used it to describe me many times in recent years.So of course he'd be physically attracted to me.
"Yeah, I get it. You think I'm pretty. You find me attractive. You've said." I blow it off because it isn't enough right now. Though I do love hearing it from him. That he thinks I'm pretty, attractive.I realize I've always loved hearing it from him. I've always gone to him for reassurance, and he's always given it to me, even right before my first date with Robin - a guy he didn't trust. But the fact is, I've never sought it out from anyone else. Not even Robin, not even before things got bad. I understand now that it wasn't the reassurance I needed, it was hearing these things from Cam's lips. Even when Robin said the same pretty things Cam says, it never satisfied me the same way.
Why it took me until now to realize, I can't imagine. But it isn't enough. My heart is so full it might explode, my stomach tumbling like an olympic gymnast.
I have freaking feelings for my best friend, andmy God, Iwanthim. And although hearing he wants me too is a heady thing, Cam's right. He can't be a rebound, he's too important. And being intimate with him without having my feelings returned would break my heart in a way that would be far more painful than any hurt Robin Forbes has ever caused me.
"Yep. I do. I think you're real pretty, Ror, I find you real attractive," Cam drawls, his voice strangely gruff. He takes my chin between his fingers and steals my gaze. His eyes suddenly fill with emotion in a way that is extraordinarily rare for him, and my heart soars into outer space. "And I've also loved you since I was three years old, and have beeninlove with you atleastsince I was twelve."
My jaw goes slack and my heart stops beating.
Cam'sin lovewith me?My chest surges with a feeling of elation I've never before experienced. Of utter euphoria.
If there's anything left to say, I don't give it a chance to be said. I lean in and cover the relatively small space between us. I press my hand to his chest, and my lips softly to the corner of his mouth. He watches me warily, his breathing notably shallow. But I don't pull back far, or for long. I close my lips over his, and after no more than one more second, Cam takes over. He sucksonmy lower lip then coaxes my mouth open and slips in his tongue.
He groans, and like his laughter, the sound does something magical to me. But this sound doesn't relax me like his laugh does.No, this sound excites me.
I deepen the kiss, wanting to taste his mouth completely, to explore this part of this man that is unknown. There's so little about my best friend that is mysterious to me, but there are a few major things, things I'm now desperate to discover. And the sweet taste of his mouth is one of them.
My hands slide up his firm chest,my thumbs tracing the lines of its muscles before slipping around his neck to grasp the thick locks at his nape.
His arms reciprocate, completing our embrace by sliding around to my back and pulling me even closer, our mouths working all the while. I do him one better, I move my right leg over his lap and straddle him. I moan when I feel his erection through his jeans. When I'd feel Robin's my stomach woulddrop in fearjustknowing he was close to losing control. But with Cam, a part of mewantshim to lose control. I know without even the vaguest doubt he would never, ever hurt me.He'd die first, and my faith in him is infinitely freeing.
Our tonguesdancewildly,our lips meltingtogether like they've always known they were meant to be kissing,and they've just been waiting for Cam and me to catch up.
Now it's me who's losing control.
With one last tug of his hair, my hands roam back down his chest, still fascinated by its stunning masculine design, and around to his broad back, which provides me with a whole new map of lines to explore. I am Columbus stumbling upon The New World, discovering a treasure trove of bounty without even knowing it's what I've been searching for all along. While I'd been distracted looking for a world that could never offer me a future. Robin was never my future, just a misguided, dangerous excursion that nearly left me foundered and drowned. I only ever had one true destination. One future. Because Cam is also my past - he's my everything - and I'm suddenly determined to claim him as my present for the very first time. I rock my body against him in rhythm with our mouths completely involuntarily. The rapid rise and fall of his chest dances heavily with my own, and I wonder if he's as overwhelmed as I am - if he's chasing the same thrill.
Clutching his back, I pull at his weight. He responds instantly, rolling me onto my back, our bodies lined up in a way that makes it impossible to doubt the rightness of it. My legs wrap around his waist as if the position couldn't be more natural for us. Our mouths never disconnect, and I moan again at the friction as our hips rock gently together.
"My sweet Rory," Cam breathes reverentlyagainst my mouth.
Yes.His.I've always been his, I realize.
Cam groans again and though the same friction making me crazy with want also aggravates my cut, Ineverwant to stop. But the sharpsting that leads from my hip down to the top of my thigh reminds me of what happened just yesterday. What's happened again and again,and the shame is almost debilitating. I'm not the girl Cam thinks I am. I may be his, but I'm not anyone'sSweet Rory -notanymore.
Cam's mouth leaves mine suddenly, and I mourn the loss. He's panting, his features strained with self-control as he reaches around with both hands and wrenches my ankles from their locked position at the small of his back. He rolls off of me until he rests on his elbow beside me.
