When I power it on, I'm not surprised by the number of texts and missed calls. I quickly reply to my mom that I'm fine before I start scrolling through the few texts from Lacey and the hundred or so from Robin.
Lacey wants to talk. She writes that she thinks I'm making a huge mistake. I wonder how much Robin has told her.
Robin's texts range from desperate pleas for forgiveness and professions of love, to vicious threats. Some are unfathomably cruel, and a tear slides down my cheek before I even realize my eyes have welled with tears. He writes that I have "daddy issues", that I have problems accepting his love because my own father doesn't care about me, and that I'm stupid to think I can live without him. He says that my own father loves him more than he does me. And threatens to call him. And what could I even say to that if I ever did respond? We both know it's the truth.
Robin goes on to say that I need to just trust him to know what's right for us. That what happened yesterday was "maybe a little extreme", but that he was making a point. He doesn't say what that point was exactly, but I already know. He writes that I will always belong to him.
Hell if that's true. I belong to no one but myself. I knew Robin wouldn't let me go without a fight. But I'm finally ready to fight.
I nearly hyperventilate when I read the text that says the athletics department has cancelled tonight's dinner due to the storm and he's driving back early. I look at the time stamp and realize he'll be in town any minute, but his last text says he's going home to look after his mom and Lacey through the storm since his father is in New York. He wants to talk tomorrow night after the storm blows over. He seems sure that we can work out our issues. That we'll be back together by Monday.
Anyone reading through his texts would swear they were sent by two entirely different people. Sometimes I wonder if he does have multiple personalities. I don't bother responding that he's wrong, that it's really over, because right now I'm just relieved that he seems to have calmed down, even if his relief is misplaced. Because there is no way in hell I'm getting back together with Robin.
I know he can try. He could hurt me, try to force himself on me again - though just the thought has me nearly hyperventilating again. He could even try to kill me. He almost did last night.
But I will never be his girlfriend again. I will never "go back for more", as my father put it. I'd rather be dead. I will fight, kicking and screaming, doing everything in my admittedly limited power to make sure Robin Forbes never has me where he wants me ever again.
Cam's thumb brushes my tears away. I didn't even notice him approach me. He sits beside me on his bed and I sniffle.
"Jesus, Ror, you don't know what it does to me to see you cry," he murmurs despondently. I toss my phone back down on the bed. I don't want Cam to catch Robin's texts - they're too telling. "You havin' second thoughts?" Cam asks, andI frownat him in confusion. "'Bout endin' it with Forbes, I mean."
I shake my head. "No. Honestly, Cam, I'd be real happy never to see him again," I whisper emphatically. Cam looks back at me,bemused. I know I don't make sense. Cam thinks I just broke up with Robin because I didn't see a future together, and that just doesn't account for the animosity in my voice, I know.
"Damn it, Ror, what's goin' on with you? I mean, you never laugh anymore. Barely even smile. Unless you catch me checkin' on you and then you throw on that fake clown grin that wouldn't fool a stranger let alone your best friend. You think I ain't noticed? I tried to back off 'cause I thought it was what you wanted. I thoughthewas what you wanted, but I'm so damn worried about you, Rory girl." Cam shoves his fingers through his hair, his brow etched deeply with the concern he's just described. I look down at my fingernails, as if I suddenly find them fascinating.
I've already decided I need to tell Cam the truth. I need to get it out, and even if I haven't outright lied to him, keeping this enormous thing that's happened to me from my best friend - it just feels immensely dishonest, and I don't want secrets between us. He'd figure it out anyway. Maybe not the details, but enough. He already knows something's not right. But I need to figure out a plan first. I need himnotto go after Robin, and I don't see how I can tell him what Robin did, and have Cam be calm and rational about it. He's too damn protective of me.
"You're right, Cam. I haven't been happy. I've told you that." I hope he allows me leave it at that,at leastfor now.
And with his dramatic exhale, I appear to be in luck. But if he's dissatisfied by my vague response, I am more so. Now that Robin and me are really over, I feel so dirty, so disgusting, even if rationally I understand it was Robin's fault and not mine. At least the first time. But like my daddy said, I kept going back for more, and now... I can't take it back. I hate that a part of me will always belong to Robin - that I can never undo it. I hate that he's been inside of me. That he's the only person who ever has.
Cam gently takes my hand, effectively stealing my gaze from my nails. "You're really okay, Ror?" He stares at me intently, and I find myself captivated by eyes that hold a lifetime of familiarity. He awaits my response, his face so close that even the warmth of his breath brings me comfort. His brown eyes have a ring honey around the outside of his irises. And though I've always known this, looked into these eyes countless times, somehow, right now, I find them utterly mesmerizing. His once boyish good looks are decidedly all man now, the lines of his face rougher - hard and rugged as if carved from granite. Still, his features are drawn with perfect symmetry, except for that roguish grin of his - conspicuously absent at the moment - that has always had girls' insides spinning into triple axels as if trying to perform their way into his heart. I blame them no more now than I ever have before. Cam is everything.
I'm surprised to realize my tears have dried. I'm also surprised to find my tongue wetting my bottom lip purely without volition. "I am okay now, Cam. Really." It's practically a whisper, but it's true - I am. Right now, for the first time in way too long, I am okay. Now that I'm doing what I can to ensure Robin is out of my life. Now that I'm sitting here, in a place that feels like home, with my best friend in the world, who right now, I really wish would kiss me.
Holy shit.
I can't believe I just thought that.
I can't believe I'm still thinking it. Suddenly I'm incredibly aware of the taut pull of Cam's tee shirt, the impressive outline of the his broad shoulders, his powerful upper arms, even his lean, strong, chest. Like I said, all man.
As we sit together at the foot of the bed,I feel every inch of our closeness in a way I never have before. We faceeach other,our knees touching, my head nearly resting on his shoulder. I am practically breathing his breath. I bite my lipto keep it from reaching for his. We've sat close like this a thousand times. We've cuddled and watched movies, hugged more times that I could possibly count, held each other in consolation when one of us was upset, hell, I've even slept in his arms. But right now, a new energy surrounds us, apull, and it's electric.
Painfully slowly, Cam leans down, but he doesn't have far to go, and his lips brush mine with impossibletenderness. He nuzzles me, then returns to my mouth to press his lips to mine more surely. He pulls my top lip gentlybetween his and I gasp. It's more than a kiss - his lips caress mine with such reverence and affection I can feel it in my bones.
I think I moan.
Cam's mouth slants over mine,slipping between my lips, guiding them open. I comply eagerly and his kiss growsdesperate. But not in the way Robin's kiss was desperate. Cam seems desperate to convey something - some emotion. It's communicative. It's giving.
Robin was just desperate to force me to his will. He took; he didn't give. Buteverything about this experience feels different from kissing Robin. When things with Robin were good, kissing him was... nice. Sweet, I guess, for the most part.But it mostly just felt like it was what we were supposed to be doing.I liked it, but I didn't need it.
But right now with Cam, I feel like I'm the one who's desperate. Desperate to feel his mouth on mine, to inhale his breath. Desperate for this connection, to figure out what it is I'm feeling. Desperate for... more, justmore.More Cam.
He pulls away abruptly, and immediately averts his gaze. I'm practically gasping, not having made breathing my first priority for the last few minutes. Cam rakes his hand through his hair. He's freaking out, and vaguely I wonder if I've just done something irrevocable to our friendship. But I can't even focus on his reaction right now, I'm still reeling from my own.
God, that felt amazing. I've never experienced this before. Desire. I feel alive, and needy - emotionally and physically. My lower belly aches with untold heat, and I want to be touched by Cam in a way I never felt with Robin. Ever.
"I'm so sorry, Ror. I...fuck. I get you're feelin' down, but I can't be your rebound. We're too important, you and me." He gestures between the two of us, but I'm only half listening. I'm still battling with my own thoughts.All of Robin's accusations about Cam wanting me, and my steadfast denial...
