Chapter 15
“You couldn’t have just treated yourself to a new computer game or something?” Tony asked two hours later.
Johnny was standing at attention in the kitchen, his posture a delicate balance between defiance and pleading. Hisface was still mottled and his eyes restless. Claire didn’t blame him. Her face was so swollen she looked as if she’dtaken the hit, not him. She reached up for the tenth time andbrushed her hand against his cheek, as if she could wipeaway the invisible handprint there.
“I’m sorry, baby,” she told him again, her voice catching, her heart so sore. “I can’t tell you how sorry I am.”
Johnny lasted no more than a few seconds before he buried his face in Claire’s shoulder, a young boy once again.Claire hugged him to her with every ounce of strength she had.
“It’s my fault,” he said. “I didn’t know... I thought youwere okay with everything that went on, and I knew that ifI didn’t do something you’d never let me enlist, and I just did it, Mom, I’m sorry.”
“Shh,” she soothed, her heart stuttering, her eyes open and focused on Tony, who had held her together with hisown hands while they’d looked for Johnny. While Clairehad come so very close to breaking apart into a millionpieces and losing her way. “We’ll deal with that later. I’llground you until the day you graduate from high school forgoing behind my back, and then I’ll probably come see youget your wings.”
It will be all right, she assured herself, feeding on the certainty in Tony’s eyes. It will be all right.
“Are you sure?” her baby asked, lifting his head andlooking down at her from his eighteen-year-old height.
Claire smiled again, knowing she didn’t mean it. “Onestep at a time, honey. Okay?”
“I can’t back out of this,” he insisted. “I’m committednow.”
Claire took a breath to quell the instinctive terror thatwouldn’t die simply because she had no choice. “I know.”
His eyes swelled with tears, her almost-grown son with hispassions and his dreams. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurtyou.”
“We’ll work on it, Johnny. All of us together, okay?”
Johnny’s attention lagged a minute. “Him, too?”
Claire let her gaze follow his to find Tony there just ashe’d always been. Just as she hoped he always would.“Him, too.”
Jess waited until early the next morning to speak her piece. It wasn’t any easier. She walked into Claire’s bedroom while Claire was still half-asleep, as if it were the onlytime to tell the truth.
“It’s my fault,” she said.
Claire struggled up in bed, held her arms out to her littlegirl. “What are you talking about, Jess?”
But Jess wouldn’t move. “I thought it would help, Mom.I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”
“Thought what would help?”
“Tony. I thought if he stayed, he could make you feelbetter. I mean, he was there. You could tell him things youcouldn’t tell us.”
Claire felt all her delusions disintegrate with just the sight of Jess’s eyes. Older eyes, wiser eyes. Eyes that were too sadfor a little girl who had the world before her. In that moment, Claire realized she hadn’t protected her babies fromanything. “Come here, sweetie. Come sit with me.”
Jess balanced there in the doorway for long seconds, hereyes wide and glittering, her hands restless, her posture rigidwith distress.
Claire patted the bed next to her as if the discussion theywere having weren’t going to change both their lives forever. “Please.”
Jess came. She sat next to Claire and curled her feet upunder her in those black socks and black pants and blackshirt. A study in contrasts, her little girl. Winsome giggles and boundless compassion. Struggles and delights. A littlegirl with a woman’s perception.
“Now,” Claire said, fingering Jess’s flame-bright hair, “what do you mean?”
Jess focused on the quilt at her feet. “Vietnam,” she said,her voice hushed. “You wouldn’t talk to us about it, and Ididn’t know what else to do.”
Claire didn’t know how much more of this she could handle. No matter how hard she tried to sound nonchalant, her voice caught. “You mean you conspired with Tonybehind my back because you wanted me to talk about Vietnam?”
Jess finally looked up at her mother. Her lovely blue eyesfilled with tears. “I just wanted you to stop crying.”
