Claire couldn’t answer. She couldn’t fit the words past theanguish in her chest. Past the pride and grief. The realization that instead of protecting her daughter, she’d hurt her.
She’d forced her away instead of closer, and she could neverchange that. She could do something to heal it, though.
Adding her own tears to her daughter’s, Claire pulled herinto her arms. “Oh, Jess,” she whispered into that sun-bright hair. “It’s a good thing mothers don’t have to deserve their children. Because I don’t deserve you.”
“You’ll stay here with me.”
Tony nodded. “I’ll stay here with you. But, honey, I thinkyou’re going to find that you’re not going to need me aftera while. I think you and Mary Louise are going to haveplenty to talk about without entertaining me.”
Claire ironed out her skirt with her hand, just as she always did when she was nervous. She flashed him a smile that was equal parts anxiety and sheer terror. Tony saw the tearsswell in her eyes just for a moment. She dipped her head,uncomfortable with them.
Tony would have none of it. “They’re not going to stopall at once,” he warned her gently. “Don’t expect them to.”
“I don’t.” She sighed, stepping over to peek out the frontwindow. “I don’t know what to expect. I’m so terrified oftalking to somebody else. Like maybe my experience wasn’tas bad as I thought. Like maybe I’m a coward after all,or…·
He stepped up behind her and held her shoulders. “Whatdid they call PTSD?”
Like a game. A reminder, when she needed it, of just whatthis was about.
“Soldier’s heart,” she answered, her conviction stillshaky. “Well, I’ll tell you what. This soldier’s heart is sure about worn down.”
“Yours has had to deal with more than most. It’s onething to have nightmares. It’s another when you’re also thestrong shoulder for everyone around you. You need some pampering of your own, Claire.”
“I never had time.”
He turned her back to him, winnowed his fingers throughthat luscious fall of sunset hair. “Well, then, it’s about timeyou take it, don’t you think?”
She shuddered and sighed again, still as unsettled as a newbride. Tony wasn’t surprised. It had only been forty-eighthours since Johnny had made his big declaration of independence. Since Claire had found out that she’d forgottenher son’s eighteenth birthday.
It still hadn’t occurred to her yet just why. Tony knew itwould come to her, sometime when she was prepared to dealwith it. For now, it was one step at a time. He’d managed toget her past that first night by simply sitting up with her andletting her vent. He’d given her a hammer yesterday and lether work out a little of the aggression. Today they weremeeting with the other nurses. Today Claire, still raw andfrightened and ashamed, would finally understand that shereally wasn’t the only one who had hidden those feelingsaway all these years.
At least a little of the life had returned to her eyes. Tonyhad nurtured it like a frail fire, terrified beyond words thathe might see it disappear completely again as he had whenhe’d walked in to find her on her knees in the living room.
Claire wasn’t whole, but she had decided to try to heal. It was more than he could have asked for a few weeks back. Itwasn’t nearly what he wanted anymore.
He hoped it lasted past what he had to do to her next.What he and Mary Louise and Andy and his mother agreedwould be the only course open to them both.
He prayed he could do it when the time came, because heknew, too, it was the only way. It was simply the hardestthing he was ever going to have to do in his life.
“They’re here!” Jess yelled from the kitchen.
Claire broke away to get a look through the living roomwindow. “Go help Peaches and Nadine at the inn!” she toldher daughter.
“Parents,” she groused. “They’re no fun at all.”
“That’s all right,” Gina answered, still in Richmond despite the job she was supposed to have returned to days earlier. “We have ways to make them suffer.”
Both girls chuckled like conspirators as they slammed outthe back door.
“Good thing we have even better ways of making themsuffer right back,” Tony offered.
Claire laughed, a surprised sound that echoed oddly in thecarefully placed room. Still running her hand along herskirt, she stepped toward the front door. Halted. Straightened as if she were opening the door to the Lord High Executioner. Tony couldn’t bear this. He couldn’t let her talkherself out of her right to grieve or heal. Walking up behind her, he placed his hands once again on those shoulders that had carried so much for so long. He turned herback around so he could see those eyes. Those laughing,gentle eyes that could heal with nothing more than a smile.He cupped a hand to her face and held her still before him.Made her look at him, listen to him. Believe him.
“Don’t wimp out on me now, Claire,” he commanded.“You’ve already done the hard part.”
Her eyes swelled with unbearable emotion. “I’m soscared.”
“And I’m right here. Now, go meet your guests.”
