Holden’s eyes meet mine. He’s not the brother I look most like—that’s probably True—but our eyes are the same, and encountering his judgmental gaze is a little bit like holding up a mirror.
My breath sighs out of me. “Ah, fuck me. Hewascoming out, wasn’t he?Shit. I’m the worst. The actualworst.” I clench my hand into a fist on my thigh. “But you get why I freaked out, right?”
“Of course. Because he kissed you exactly the way you’ve always dreamed of being kissed, and now you’re scared shitless.”
I turn my head and glare.
He holds up both hands. “What? Aren’t you? And no judgment! For what it’s worth, Ames, I think you were right to put the kibosh on all that.”
I narrow my eyes. “You do?”
Holden snorts. “Hell yes. You’re being smart, bro. I mean, what if Robbie doesn’t actually want you the way he says he does?” He pauses and considers. “It’s unlikely, since we both know people grow and change and discover new things about themselves all the time—I mean, just look at Carlos. Andextraunlikely since Rob’s not one to say things he doesn’t mean. But it’s definitely possible.”
I frown.
“And even if he wants you… fuck, maybeyouwon’t actually wanthim. Maybe you’ll be like the dog who caught the car, and once you have him, you won’t know what to do with him. Lots of guys are only attracted to unavailable men. It’s a thing.”
I wrinkle my nose. “Uh, no?—”
“And… shit,” Holden goes on, warming up now, “what if you want himandhe wants you, but you’re just not compatible as more than friends? What if he only gets off while having missionary in the dark and listening to boner-killing organ riffs fromPhantom of the Opera? I hooked up with a guy like that once. Or what if that kiss today was a one-off, and he usually kisses like he’s tryingto shiv your throat with his tongue? Hooked up with guys like thatmorethan once. Or—damn—what if he’s a big ol’ bottom like you, and you?—?”
“Fuckoff, Holden.” I’m thankful my left arm’s fully operational and I can use it to punch his right armhard.
“What? I’m saying you’reright. I’magreeingwith you. One or both of you could end up with a broken heart. It could devastate your friendship.”
“It could!”
“Iknow! There are a million ways it could go wrong. And you’ve already gotten your heart cracked over and over, being in love with someone you thought couldn’t love you back.” Holden pats my knee firmly. “Youneedto be the strong one here, whether Robbie realizes it or not.”
“Yes.” I suck in a shaky breath. “I do.”
“So, there you go.Boom. Glad we got that sorted, huh?” Holden shoots me a bright smile and shifts the car back into Drive. “I mean, obviously, you still need to abjectly apologize for completely left-footing Robbie’s coming out. I’m talking serious groveling, Ames.”
“I know,” I whisper.
“But then you’ve gotta be rock solid about the fact that you’re not, under any circumstances, interested in being the person who helps Robbie explore this side of himself.” Holden nods firmly. “Let Rob find another dude for that, you know?”
“Yeah—” I peer over at him. “Wait, what?”
“I don’t mean to sound dismissive,” Holden adds quickly. “Robbie’s probably going to be pretty devastated when you reject him. I’m just saying he’ll get over it. Eventually. Like you did. And now that he knows this abouthimself—that he’s bi or pan or however he identifies—he’ll find someone, or multiple someones, who’ll help him move on and figure out what he’s into. When he’s ready.”
Ice floods my veins at the idea of Robbie being with anyone, male or female. Kissing them the way he kissed me.Oh, god.
“What matters here,” Holden says, slowing down to—I kid you not—let a one-footed pigeon hop its way across Whether Street, “is that while Robbie’s doingwhatever, withwhoever, your friendship will still be intact. In fact, it’ll be stronger than ever, thanks to your quick thinking. And you’ll be dating someone like, say, Auden—who’s adorable, by the way—who’ll never, ever get close enough to your heart to break it. So everyone will be perfectly, moderately happy.” Holden pulls up in front of Watchfire and cuts the engine. “Phew, huh? Glad you dodged that bullet.”
“I hate you,” I tell him. “You suck at reverse psychology.”
Holden purses his lips. “A little too heavy-handed at the end there?”
“Alottoo heavy-handed,” I mutter. “Asshole. Next time, I’m calling True.”
Holden laughs. “I love you, Ames. But you’re screwing yourself over here, big-time. Bad shit happens. But sometimes good shit happens too. When your daydream comes to life, be brave enough to grab him with both hands and… let him rail you into a mattress.”
I roll my eyes. “Where’d you get that? Chicken Soup for the Fuckboy Soul?”
“I’m just saying, enjoy the good things while they’rehappening. Robbie wants you, and you want him. So enjoy the ride while it lasts and navigate the fallout if and when it comes.”
Holden carries my bag upstairs and deposits it on the couch for me. He seems reluctant to leave, like he wants to talk more, but there’s nothing I want less. Not even if the apartment feels cold and empty after a week at Robbie’s.
