“Not an actual answer,” he notes. “Where is Robbie, anyway?”
“Driving Brie to tae kwon do. Mike no-showed her, the fucker.”
Holden shakes his head. “Thank god Robbie’s such a good guy, huh? For Brie and Kaylee and Anna’s sakes.”
“Yep,” I manage. “Rob’s a giver, alright.”
Holden darts a glance at me as we pull away from the curb. “Okay, spill your guts, Axford.”
I shake my head. I can’t, and I won’t. Talking about that shit-show conversation would make it real.
“Fine, then. Bet I can guess what the problem is: Rob’s coddling you to death, and you’re feeling smothered.”
“Damn. Nailed it,” I agree. “Another trick from policeman summer camp?”
He raises an eyebrow. “You know, Rob was really fucked-up when you got hurt, Ames. I mean, Iknowyou know… but I don’t know if youknow. You know?”
I turn my head and peer at him. “Is this some kind of enhanced interrogation technique? Speak English.”
“I was working the perimeter at the fire, remember? And when I heard on the radio they were taking you to the hospital, I was scared. Obviously, either of us could get injured at any time. I get that here—” He taps his temple. “—since it’s the nature of our jobs, but I didn’t really believe ithere—” He taps his heart. “—until that moment.”
Holden’s talking calmly, but the fact that he’s talking about this at all means something. It’s like I told Robbie—despite the shit my brothers and sister and I give eachother, we love each other unreasonably and like each other most of the time too.
“Holden—”
“My point is that as scared as I was, what Robbie was going through was beyond any of that. He wouldn’t talk to anyone, Ames. Wouldn’t let the doctors treat him. He stared at the wall like he was trying to see through it to where you were. Like he was tethering you to Earth by force of will.”
“It worked,” I say hoarsely since I can’t get the words through the lump in my throat. “I’m here.”
I shift a little on my seat and don’t look at Holden. I can’t actually remember if I’ve thanked Robbie for saving me. Certainly not enough.
Damn.
“So all that being said,” Holden continues, “if Rob wants to plump your pillows and cut your chickie nuggies into tiny pieces for a week or a month or the rest of your natural lives, you could maybe go ahead andlet him, yeah?”
I shake my head. “It’s not that. I mean, yes, I hate feeling dependent, even with Robbie, but I… I don’t mindasmuch with him.”
“M’kay. So why’d we pull a Thelma and Louise?”
I shut my mouth, determined not to open it again.
But Holden drives the speed limit, which is wildly annoying, and takes long pauses at every fucking stop sign. The way this ride is going, I will be one hundred years old before we get to my place.
“Have you ever had someone offer you something that was everything you’ve always wanted, but they’re offering it for the wrong reasons?” I finally demand.
Holden pulls over. Just straight up stops his SUV on the side of Poplar Road and turns in his seat to look at me. “Stop waffling. Real talk.”
He already pretty much knows the history of me being hopelessly in love with my straight best friend, though we’ve never officially discussed it. But I tell him the new bits. About Robbie acting weird, about Lissa, about the kiss this morning. About Robbie saying he’s attracted to me.
When I wind down, Holden’s quiet for a long moment.
“So let me understand,” he says at length. “Your best friend, the kid you practically had Mom and Dad adopt sixteen years ago, the guy I think of as a brother… just told you he’s attracted to men.”
“Well… yes,” I agree. “Sort of. I mean, just the one man.Me. At least I think. We didn’t really get into?—”
“And your response, brother… your super-supportive response to him trusting you with this… was to tell him thatno, he isn’t? That’s how we handle someone coming out to us?”
I shake my head. “No! It’s not… he wasn’tcoming out, Holden. He was talking about me and him.And you know how Robbie is! He’s too good for this world. He’s trying to be what he thinks I need. He’s reacting out of fear. When he says he’s attracted to me, he doesn’t actually mean?—”
