“Oh my god, Jaime! I cannot have that in my profile, it’ll attract all the weirdos! We need to change it right now.”
Ding!
“Babe, you've already got a message! Open it!” Elle is way too excited about this.
Nigelwantsto69: Hey sexy mama, I'll be your daddy any day.
Open attachment
“Oh Jesus, he's sent a dick pic!” She snatches the phone out of my hand to show the other two, and suddenly all three of them are zooming in on his unsolicited peen photo and commenting on it.
“I mean, it's not very big. Why would he think this was photo worthy?”
“He's very hairy too, like, there is a lot of overgrowth happening at the base there.”
“And the head just looks so...angry! Should it be that colour?”
“Guys! Please, can we delete this profile? The whole app even? I don't want to get dick pics all day!”
Ding!
Ding!
Ding!
“Wow, ok yeah, you're not getting the kind of response I was aiming for, maybe we should change your ‘About Me’ section. You already have three more dick pics and gross messages,” Jaime cringes.
“Gee, I wonder why I'm not getting any solid interest when my profile says that I'm looking for adaddy!” I throw my hands up, exasperated.
“But in positive news, your profile has been live for less than five minutes and you've already had loads of views!” Max attempts to paint the silver lining.
Between them, they decide on my new bio information and I reclaim my phone before they can do any more damage.
After dinnerand a couple of wines, the girls convince me to check the app again, just for fun. And I'm shocked to see I have several messages in my inbox already. We decide to mirror myphone on the TV so we can go through them together, a la that one episode inThe Big Bang Theory.
Gazza_is_ready: Hi beautiful. I have to say I was surprised to see such a fit bird on here, so I'm wondering what's wrong with you that you're single?
“Is he for real? Fuck off! Next!” Jaime swipes to the next message.
TatsNLats: How do you feel about muscular tattooed tall well hung men
“The lack of an actual greeting and punctuation is off-putting. His self descriptionsoundshot, but the fact he needed to mention his dick in his opening gambit? No thanks!” I punctuate this with two thumbs down.
“Agreed,” Elle nods.
Karl123: Hi, this is going to sound weird, but you sort of look like my dead wife. What's your bra size? I'm curious if you're the same shape too.
We all just blink at each other before Max reaches over to swipe to the next message.
Felix_he_licks: What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
“Jaime, what the hell app is this? I thought you said we'd all be in the same boat, but so far they're all creeps!” I side-eye her.
Grimacing, she takes charge of my phone, “It's supposed to be less creepy, I swear! Maybe if we look through some profiles and like the ones that seem right for you? And see if any of them bite.”
We spend the next twenty minutes swiping through countless profiles and ‘liking’ the ones whose bios resonate with what I'm looking for. And that I'm attracted to because shallow or not, physical attraction is important.
“Ooh, one of them has matched with you and messaged already! Open it,” Max claps.
