I step through the bifold doors into the garden, and Pickles takes off at full speed towards the boys, who seem to be digging some sort of hole. Well, Pickles will sure help speed up that process. Their squealing laughter makes me smile as my dog reaches them, and they look up to wave at me.
“Hi boys! I brought you a digger for whatever mischief you’re up to!”
“Thanks, Auntie Shari!” comes their chorused reply. Even though they’re fraternal twins, they’re so in sync it’s scary at times.
When I reach the table on the other side of the garden, I fall onto the cushion next to Max and lean my head on her shoulder.
“Hey, bestie.”
“Hi, hun. What brings you over on this fine August day? Not that I’m not happy to see you, regardless of motive, but you sounded a bit down on the phone. Everything ok with the baby?”
I rub my belly. “Yeah, all good in here. It’s up here that I’m struggling with.” I tap my temple.
“Talk to me.”
Dennis comes over with my drink, and the ice is already crackling in the glass as it melts. He’s about to walk away and leave us to it, but I grab his wrist.
“Dennis, you’re a guy, I presume.”
“Last time I checked, wanna see?” He waggles his eyebrows.
“Bleurgh, no. Why are you so gross? No, I need a guy’s view. I think.”
He sits down on the chair opposite us and I straighten so I don’t get a sore neck from leaning against Max’s shoulder for too long.
“I take it this is about the child you made a child with?”
I cringe slightly at his wording. “It is, indeed.”
We all look over to where the kids are playing when there’s a sudden increase in the laughing volume. “Pickles, no! Don’t poo there! Damnit, hang on, I’ll go get it.”
Poo disposed of and hands washed, I sit back on the sofa with the Millers. “Where did I get to?”
“You really didn’t,” Max laughs.
“Well, that’s easy then.” I clear my throat, “So, as you know, I went to Brad’s graduation a few weeks ago and, I dunno, it’s like something shifted.”
“Right,” Dennis drawls. “Are we going somewhere with this or…”
I huff a laugh. “Things are going really well between us. We’ve always had a goodphysicalrelationship?—”
“Clearly,” Dennis stares at my bump.
“—but recently, Brad has been pushing for something real. Heclaimedme as his woman to all his friends that day. We get along like a house on fire, and like I told his mum, I don’t notice our age gap when we’re alone.”
“What’s the but?”
“But…I’m scared, if I’m honest. Of the judgement. Of the mean comments. Of him changing his mind. An older woman and a younger man is so rare in this world. Society just cannot cope with the idea of the age gap reversal, and as a result, I don’t know if I can? You weren’t there when his mum ripped into me that first day. I felt so fucking dirty, like a predator. A criminal. Like I should be on a register somewhere, it was…it was awful.”
“I hate that she did that to you. She’s apologised since, though, right? How have you been getting on since then?” Max asks.
“She did apologise, and again at graduation. We’re getting on fine now, but that’s not even the point. It’s the fact that her reaction was so excessively negative in the first instance! Because it tells me that everyone’s first reaction will be just asunfavourable. And then the plastic Barbie bitches in his friend group?” I throw my hands up. “They took every opportunity to dig at my age, even going so far as to say I must suck ‘like a hoover’ to keep Brad interested.”
I stare off into the distance as my emotions tumble over themselves in my chest. “I just don’t have it in me to deal with so much negativity on a daily basis.”
Max wraps her arm around my shoulders. “Shazam, you are amazing. You look young, you act young, you’re fun, you’re kind,anyguy ofanyage would be lucky to have you!”
“What if it wears off, though? What if he’s attracted to me now, but in five years I start aging visibly and he’s put off?” This is probably my biggest fear when it comes to Brad. It’s something I don’t really know how to vocalise to him because I know he’ll just tell me that would never happen. But he doesn’tknowthat!
