Even though Anya was just a teen, it wasn’t weird to talk about this with her. She was old enough to at least have thought about her own life, if she’d want to marry or have a family. “I always did. Since I was a little girl, I dreamed about having a big family. I’d play house. I’d play ‘family’.” I let out a happy exhale at the memories. “Some people have those ideals in mind and others don’t. And life throws curveballs to change it all, anyway.”
“I’m sorry.” She shook her head sadly. “It must have been so hard to lose your husband.”
“It was,” I agreed. “But I’m learning how to move on.”
I was telling her the truth, but later that night, after Sergei fucked me until I passed out, I wondered if it was wrong to move on like this.
I tried not to compare Sergei with the memory of Fitz. There were hardly any similarities and so many differences. Sergei was a dominant lover, pushing my limits and never shying from any toys or anything too rough. Fitz never dared to explore at all, a missionary and gentle lover.
But that’s okay. No two men are the same.
I got hung up on it because of how I always thought Fitz would be my first and last.
Sergei was a dangerous man working with thugs and criminals and used to weaponry. Fitz was an engineer, a pacifist who cowered from confrontations.
And that’s fine. They’re both special to me.
Scolding myself to quit comparing them and worrying if I was dishonoring my husband’s memory by moving on to someone so drastically different, I fell into my other habit of looking forward,not dwelling on the past that I couldn’t change but instead on the future that was unwritten.
I could see myself being here, living with Sergei and letting him experience the joy of watching Maisie grow up happy and protected.
I could envision myself in the short-term future, too, as a guest at Claire’s wedding and then later to meet her baby.
Still, as I fantasized about staying with Sergei and having a solid future with him, I knew that shadows lurked. They had so many enemies, so many threats. While they never touched me here, I knew that these Mafia men were dangerous.
What if Sergei ends up like Fitz?
I shuddered at Sergei being shot or stabbed again, like he had been recently. I’d asked about the new-looking scars on his side and he told me about how Claire was the ER doctor when he’d been injured.
Or what if Sergei does the same kind of “business” that those men did when they killed Fitz?
Mafia men were in a class of their own, but in my mind, I hated the mere possibility that my hero, my strong lover, could be no better than the street thugs and Cartel men who were responsible for shooting Fitz that night.
Aren’t they all the same?
Criminals who operate under laws of their own?
What’s the difference, anyway?
Moving on with a man so like the ones who’d taken my late husband seemed too cruel and ironic of a fate to accept.
“Just go to sleep,” I whispered to myself. Closing my eyes, I wished I could be brave enough to sleep with Sergei and stay in his bed. His strong embrace always relaxed me, but we were both too aware of keeping our relationship a secret from Maisie. The last thing I needed was for her to find us together and wonder if Sergei was more than a friend.
Maybe I can talk to Claire tomorrow.
Stuck between wanting to be happy and needing to be cautious, I looked forward to speaking with Claire again. Like me, she’d been a normal, ordinary citizen, not born into this Mafia world like Anya had been. It would do me well to hear a woman’s perspective, Claire’s thoughts about all of this. Although Sergei had yet to ask me to make anything official with him, I felt like I needed to think things through before actually committing to him or anything we could be.
Wait. She’s not here. She’s out of town.
I furrowed my brow, not opening my eyes. She’d become such an ally, a sounding board in a different way than Daria had been. But she’d be back. I looked forward to talking to her and getting another perspective on how to be more confident in letting my healing heart be open to the man who seemed ready to hold it and protect it.
As I fell asleep, I realized I was looking forward to many things now that I was fitting in with this family.
19
SERGEI
My uncle requested another meeting with me, and I didn’t wait to head over to his office.
