“Because I’m a reminder of what he did to you. You never made me feel like I was part of something so traumatic, but it had to be hard. When you found out you were pregnant. I don’t know how you didn’t just get rid of me and leave town.”
She cups my face and smiles with a trembling lip. “You were never anything bad, Zeppelin Molloy. You were the good. And when I got that positive pregnancy test, everything changed. There was no option other than having you. You were meant to be.”
“I want to kill him, Mama.”
“I know, baby.”
“And I’m mad at Johnny.”
Saying those words breaks me, and I can’t stop the tears. The man I loved as a father betrayed my mother. And me. He should’ve taken care of this back when he found out.
“Baby—”
“No, he should’ve done something more than become an enemy. He should have taken out that motherfucker. The same way I want to. The same way I will when I have enough to prove he killed Johnny.”
I could kill him now. It would be extremely easy, but it would start a war. And we’re not in a position to go to war. Not yet. I can’t get the club to sign off on it like I need them to until I can prove without a doubt he’s the one who took our president.
“He couldn’t,” Mama says, her voice just a whisper. “He wanted to. There were so many times he swore he’d take Butch out, but then he risked you and Lainey. And me. Johnny would never risk us like that.”
“I just need to be mad at him for a little bit, Mama. It’ll pass, and I know you’re speaking the truth, but I just can’t let it go yet.”
“Okay.” She nods and wipes my tears. “You can be mad at him. He understands.”
We sit on the couch, and I rest my head on her shoulder. “I fucked up, Mama.”
“I heard,” she says and pats my knee. “It’ll be okay.”
“I don’t think it will. She’s done with me.”
“She’s done right now, but I don’t think she can hold out forever. Even if Chanel fucked things up like that bitch always does.”
Sitting upright, I stare at Mama in shock. She’s always the soft one. Understanding and kind. “You hated her, too?”
“So much, Zep. So much.”
“This really would have been helpful to know before now.”
“You wouldn’t have listened to a word any of us said,” she says, sounding just like Lainey. “You didn’t even listen to Johnny. Ifhe couldn’t get through that thick skull, no one else was going to.”
Well, shit.
“Let’s get Sunday dinners back on the books,” I suggest. “You, me, and Lainey.”
“Really?”
“We’re still a family even with Johnny gone. It’s time we start acting like it.”
This makes Mama happy, and she beams. “Okay. I’ll call Lainey and let her know.”
And one Sunday, I’ll hopefully have Misty and Bernie with me. I want that family as badly as I want this one. I just have to figure out how to get them back.
Chapter Thirty-Eight
Misty
Ten at night. I crack my neck and sigh. Inventory is finally done. And it was a great distraction from the jumble of thoughts and emotions in my brain.
Bernie’s having another sleepover with Carly, and I’m thankful for the time to myself. But now that I’m alone and have nothing else to focus on, I can’t help myself. My mind goes right back to thinking about Zep.
