My skin itches, and I resist the urge to scratch at it, to purge the rising feeling of inadequacy. I can’t fucking do anything right. I’m a terrible son, a shitty fake boyfriend, a fucked-up gay. The room swirls, my breaths coming shallow. I’m barely hanging on, desperately trying not to panic.
There’s no way Dad followed through on his threat of having me followed. Hannah spoke to Nan twice this month to finalise plans for our trip home in a few weeks. As far as he knows, our relationship is the real deal. I pay myEuphoria membership with cash every month, so he can’t have figured out I’ve been visiting a sex club to sleep with men. No. Not men. One man.Myman.
My throat constricts. I tug on the collar of my t-shirt, trying to relieve the pressure. I stagger away from the bar and bump into someone. It barely registers as I spin and come face to face with a guy in a skeleton mask. He steadies me with his hands on my shoulders, and his lips move, but I can’t make out what he says over the ringing in my ears.
Sweat beads on my temples, and I shake my head as I push away from him, stumbling towards the exit. I need air. I need?—
A familiar frame steps through the blue velvet curtains, and I stop short, staring at him.
My heart skips a beat before picking up a staccato rhythm.
He’s here.
He runs a hand through his hair, releasing a breath as he meets my gaze.
I don’t move.
I can’t.
All I can do is watch as he walks towards me.
I clear my throat.
Something is different.
“I thought you weren’t coming,” I choke out when he stops close enough to touch, but I hold myself back.
He rubs the back of his neck and glances around the busy club. “Yeah, I thought so, too.”
“Is everything okay?” I bite the inside of my cheek, bracing myself for rejection.
His eyes drift to the card still clutched in my hand. “Everything’s fine. I just… Never mind.” He brings his gaze back to mine, his lips tilting into a small smile that does nothing to alleviate my unease. “I’m where I’m supposed to be.”
When I don’t say anything, he steps closer, cupping my jaw. “Sorry I’m late. I had to sort through some things, but I promise you, I want to be here with you.”
My body sags, and I lean into him, needing to feel the weight of him pressed against me as the emotional rollercoaster of the past five minutes settles heavily in my gut. He turns his head, kissing my neck as he reaches down to take the card from my hand.
I let him, needing him to take control while my mind pushes past the panic attack. As he leads me towards the private rooms, I realise just how dangerous this is becoming. My feelings for him have grown beyond what I expected when we started this a few months ago. It’s scary how much I need him when I don’t really know him.
I don’t know who he is outside Euphoria. For all I know, he has someone else in his life, someone who isn’t giving him what he needs, kind of like what I have with Hannah. What if his someone is more than a friend pretending to be something more? What if I’m his dirty little secret?
It doesn’t sit right with me. I can’t give him more than one night a month, but I don’t want him to fuck up his life because of me.
That’s why, when the door clicks shut behind us and he moves in to kiss me, I hold back.
“Is there someone else?”
“No,” he says quickly, but he can’t hide the guilt in his eyes.
I take a step back.
“It’s okay.” Lie. It’s not okay. I’m not okay.
He shakes his head. “It’s not what you think. I’m not seeing anyone else. It’s just—” He pushes his hair off hisface. “There’s this guy, but he’s straight, and he has a girlfriend.”
My stomach drops, but he keeps talking.
“For a moment I felt guilty about coming tonight because these feelings I have for him feel like I’m betraying what we have. I’m confused because I can’t stop thinking about you, but I also can’t stop thinking about him. It doesn’t make sense. I think I’m only attracted to him because I don’t know what’s going on betweenus. Is this just a monthly release? Or is it something more? I know you’re not ready to take this outside Euphoria, but is it all in my head, or is there something here?”
