I took the pamphlet for a known rehab and mental wellness facility. This was the last thing I wanted to think about right now. Still, I accepted it with a forced smile and a nod.
By the time I got dressed in the clothing Athena had brought me and checked out of the hospital, it was an entire day later. The two of us returned home to our apartment where Athena made us something to eat.
I stared into the bowl of soup, unable to even take a bite. “I don’t think I’m ready for food yet. Maybe I’ll have some tea.”
“Yeah, of course. Whatever you want.” Athena hopped up to make tea, abandoning her own dish.
“That’s all right. I can make it. Don’t feel like you have to do everything for me.” I hated feeling this pathetic. Like everyone was so worried about me they were falling all over themselves to take care of me.
It wasn’t that I didn’t appreciate Athena and her efforts. I did more than I could say. I simply didn’t want my friends to feel like it was their job to fix what was wrong with me. Only I could do that.
Athena returned to her seat as I took over making tea. “Have you thought about what you’re going to do next?”
I knew what she was really asking. Was I going to go to rehab?
Before leaving the hospital, the doctor had spoken to me about safely tapering off the pills. Quitting too suddenly could be dangerous. He wanted to make sure I understood the risks. He was willing to connect me with a colleague of his that would help me with the tapering process.
It wasn’t as if I had much of a choice. Eventually, I would run out of the pills I’d purchased from Charlie. Then I would really be screwed. The doctor would keep me supplied, but only so I was able to safely come off them completely.
“I guess it’s time for me to quit. The doctor said I may be able to taper off the pills without rehab if I’m dedicated to making it work on my own. I guess we’ll see.” Checking into rehab would fuck up my whole life. I didn’t have time for that kind of thing with graduation so close.
Not to mention that it would mean making a very public declaration that I had a serious problem. Which I did. I knew that. Still, I preferred to handle this on my own.
I took my tea to my bedroom, climbing into bed. That’s where I stayed for the next three days. I did my best to stay caught up on my classes by checking in with my professors through email. Working from my bed on my laptop.
Occasionally I emerged to eat something, despite having little appetite. I did my best to only take the prescribed amount of Oxy, even though I had grown used to taking extra. It wasn’t easy.
Already I craved more. Feeling irritable and anxious. Like I wanted to hide away from the world and forget everyone and everything.
I thought about Auryn a lot, yet I couldn’t bring myself to reach out to him. I wanted more from him than he could give me. He may have shown up at the hospital but I knew he didn’twant anything more than the fake relationship we’d portrayed for others. For all I knew Codie had made him go to the hospital.
He texted me several times over those few days. Promising to show up at my door if I didn’t reply to him. Why did he care so much? Why was he doing this to me? We both knew I wasn’t what he wanted.
I was lying in bed in a cold sweat when my mother texted me. Telling me that because I was an ungrateful daughter who refused to help her out, she was about to have her water shut off by the city. Nothing about what happened to me. No inquiry as to how I was doing.
If I’d had the energy, I might have cried. Instead, I tossed my phone aside and stared at the ceiling. I didn’t think I was a bad person. I had no idea what I’d done to deserve to be so unloved by my own mother.
Fuck it. And fuck her. I didn’t need her. Picking up my phone, I blocked her number before tossing it back down. Cutting off my toxic mother was the first step toward getting better. At least, I hoped so.
Things had to get better, right? I was too afraid to let myself think about the alternative.
CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
AURYN
I stared at my phone screen. It took everything in me not to launch the damn device across the room. Not a single one of my messages or calls to Ripley had been returned.
Codie kept telling me to give her time. To give her space and back off a little. I couldn’t shake the feeling that I had to do something. I knew that it wasn’t on me to fix her. That didn’t mean I couldn’t try to help somehow.
I knew that part of this was my fault. Because I’d gone after Charlie. Ripley had spiraled. Now she was in a bad place. And I wanted to be there with her.
Attending classes was harder this week than it had ever been. I didn’t want to be at school. All I wanted was to be with Ripley. To make sure she was okay.
She was mine. Mine to protect. Mine to possess. I wouldn’t let anything happen to her.
I spent a lot of time lying around on the couch. Doing my best to zone out on the TV. Eventually, I grew tired of the sympathetic glances from Codie. That’s when I locked myself away in my bedroom instead.
Not that being locked away in my room helped my mental state. If anything, it only made me feel worse. I’m sure the steadylines of blow weren’t doing me any favors. Every time I snorted one up my nose, I felt a pang of guilt. How would I ever be useful to Ripley like this?
