The confession comes so easily that it shocks me as much as it does her. Julia’s the nearest to me in age, so I was closer to her growing up. Maybe that’s why I so effortlessly expressed the deep, secret thoughts I’ve never told anyone else.
My sister grabs my arm and squeezes gently. “I’m so sorry Mom did that.”
“And I’m sorry I reacted the way I did. I’m pissed at her. Not all of you.”
“This one’s on us. We know how you are, and we pushed you too far with this surprise. I’m sure the others will get it.”
Miriam clears her throat, standing by the door as if waiting for something. If she expects an apology, too, she can keep waiting. “What are you waiting for? Get out,” I order.
With an embittered pout, she complies, and Julia follows her after one last compassionate smile at me. The door closes behind them just as Andrea walks in. She seems so broken and hurt that I want to punch myself for what I did to her. She avoids my gaze as she looks around, seeing that everyone has left.
“I should probably go, too,” she shyly says, ruining my hopes that we can fix this tonight.
“You aren’t staying?”
“I can’t, I… I need to be alone, Lex.”
“But we need to talk, to mend things.”
“We will, but not tonight. I’m exhausted, and I can’t think clearly.”
“When, then?”
“I don’t know. All I want right now is to go home.”
I don’t insist, believing she knows what’s best for herself. I accompany her to the door and help her with her coat, then I wrap her scarf around her neck. We stand there awkwardly. I don’t know what to say, what to do.
“Are you okay to drive?” I ask.
She nods, avoiding my eyes again. My hand lifts on its own to caress her cheek, wanting her to look at me, but I force it down before it can get there. “Text me when you’re home safe,” I whisper.
I should fucking say something, but I don’t know what. So I open the door for her and step to the side. Her eyes are wet with tears when she turns around, but they don’t spill over.
“Goodbye, Lex.”
Because it feels like I’ll never see her again, I press a long kiss on her forehead, trying to pass all the love and atonement I can. Then she walks out into the deserted hallway and I watch her, my heart tearing further with each of her steps.
She said we weren’t breaking up, but it feels an awful lot like it. And I don’t know how to stop it. I don’t even know if I should.
Maybe it’s better if I can’t ever hurt her again like I did tonight.
Chapter 25
Idon’t know how I do it, but I hold back my tears all the way to my car. But when I enter it and see the duffel bag patiently waiting for me to come get it, all my efforts are ruined. My misery becomes impossible to contain, and endless streams of tears flow down my cheeks as uncontrollable sobs shake my shoulders. Desperately alone in my small car, I cry what feels like an ocean of pain.
Everything was so impossibly perfect, and now, nothing is. My entire body hurts, and nothing makes sense. What the fuck was all that?
Some people pass by the car, and one of them notices me but keeps walking. I must look so pathetic in my stupid dress, with my makeup running down my face. I need to be alone. But the car doesn’t start when I try. Neither does it when I try three more times.
“Fuck!” I scream, slamming my hands on the wheel with rage and frustration. The tears intensify, and my sobs turn so forceful that my chest hurts.
I don’t want to be here anymore. I need all of this to stop.
Taking a deep breath, I force myself to calm down and turn the key. The engine roars, and relief floods me. But the door unexpectedly opens, startling me. I know who the intruder is before I even look.
Lex …
He stands right there in his dark shirt and rolled-up sleeves, not wearing any protection against the freezing night.
