“I let you go last time, and I’ve regretted it since,” he explains. “I’m not doing that again.”
“Lex,” I protest, interrupted by a sob.
“I know, freckles.”
He bends inside the car and takes the key out, stopping the engine. His familiar scent fills my nostrils, making me want to shove my face inthe crook of his neck and never let go. When he notices the duffel bag as he pulls away, infinite sadness fills his eyes.
“Come with me, Andrea,” he encourages.
I can’t get home without my keys, so I don’t have a choice. He’ll give them back if I insist, but I no longer have the strength to argue. So I unbuckle my seat belt and get out of the car, assisted by Lex’s firm hands.
“Do you want me to take your bag?” he offers. I shake my head. We clearly aren’t ready for such a huge step. Not for as long as he hides that kind of secret from me.
There hasn’t been a single word between us by the time we enter his apartment. Lex guides me to his room, where he helps me out of my coat and scarf, setting them on an armchair. Only wearing my dress, I let him guide me to the bathroom with gentle but commanding hands. In there, I see the plug I removed and washed by the sink, and next to it, the white hand towel I used to clean myself up. The reddish streaks on it are an awful reminder that we never had sex so roughly before. Lex removes my velvety dress, and I let him, blue velvet pooling at my feet. I wait, naked, as he undresses as well. Despite trying not to, I accidentally glance at my reflection in the mirror. I look as devastated as I feel.
I don’t protest when he leads me to the shower, too apathetic to say or do anything. I step into the stream when he makes me, and close my eyes as he wipes the makeup off my face with a tender hand. With a soaped loofah, he washes me, cleaning away the spiteful sex we had. I keep my eyes on the dark tiles to my left the whole time, allowing him to execute whatever penance ritual he has in mind.
When he reaches between my legs, gently running the sponge on my sore folds, I wince with a hiss. He immediately stops, and the look he gives me is full of apology and remorse.
“I’m so sorry, Andrea. I never should have taken you like that. It wasn’t right.”
I don’t answer or reassure him, even though I know I’m just as much to blame. I wanted it like that. I wanted the thought-numbing pain, the rough, impersonal sex. Knowing him, he would have carried me to his bed and made love to me tenderly if I’d asked for it. But I acted like a fury, hurting him so he would unknowingly hurt me.
I wait in a corner of the stall as Lex washes himself, then I let him wrap me in a fluffy towel. He prepares me a toothbrush, wetting it beforeandafter the toothpaste—something he teased me about in the past. Once that’s done, he dresses me up with one of his T-shirts and a pair of boxers that’s embarrassingly too tight at the hips.
The luxurious bed doesn’t bring the comfort it usually does, not even when he joins me there. Again, I let him when he pulls me into him in a spooning position. His arm across my belly, his warm breath on the back of my neck, his powerful body against me… they all feel like a lie. He was married. He held her like this, cherished her like he cherishes me, shared a bond greater than ours. Marriage never sounded so terribly important.
A silent tear rolls to the pillow under my temple as I ask, “Did you love her?”
Several seconds pass before he answers, “Not in the way you have in mind.” His voice is soft, appeasing, as if it’ll make it easier to swallow.
“How did you love her, then?”
“I’ve known her since I was thirteen, and she was eight. Our parents and Kev’s ran in the same circles, and we occupied the boring evenings and afternoons together. She was like a younger sister to us.”
“How did it evolve?”
“A couple of years into my Avoss days, she began her undergrad at Stanford. We rekindled our old friendship, even though it had been a few years since we’d last seen each other properly. One evening, she confessed she’d always had a crush on me and kissed me. We were both a little drunk, and it led to more. From there, it grew into something more mature than the relationship we used to have.”
“Is she pretty?”
“She’s very beautiful,” he admits. That stings so much, but his blunt honesty is reassuring, in a way. He doesn’t feel the need to lie or sugarcoat it because, in his mind, I genuinely have nothing to worry about.
“Did you ever move in together?” I ask next.
“It wasn’t what you have in mind, freckles. Between Avoss and Nammota, I was too busy to entertain any sort of relationship. We saw each other a couple times a week for brief and meaningless sex.”
Knowing Lex, I doubt it was brief. “How could it be meaningless? She was still your friend,” I counter, unsure why I’m doing this to myself. The pillow under my cheek is wet with quiet tears, but I want to hear the story.
“I’m remarkably good at compartmentalizing. She was a friend outside of bed, and in it, she was an easy way to satisfy my needs.”
“It sounds awful …”
“It was an arrangement that worked for both of us.”
“For how long?”
“We did that for four years.”
