“Why did Cobb leave?” I asked quietly, looking over his shoulder as if expecting Cobb to be hovering in the doorway.
“I think it was a combination of things. There are policies about agents fraternizing with each other—especially when you’ve trained said agent. You’ve met Cobb, there are almost no FBI agents that are as by-the-book as he is.” We shared a commiserating look before Theo continued.
“That, paired with the fact that I took a bullet for him, and I think things were spiraling out of control in his mind.” I couldn’t imagine how it had felt for Cobb to sit in the hospital waiting room, and think about Theo on an operating table, fighting for his life, because Theo had stepped in front of a bullet for him. Even the thought of Aria, Theo, Matteo, or Cobb getting hurt to protect me made my stomach twist uncomfortably.
“It took me years to understand where he was coming from, and the position that we put him in personally and professionally. But at the time I was so angry at him and in pain—so much damn pain Tibby. It took over my life. I hardly spoke to Aria or Matteo, and I was in the hospital for almost a month after the shooting. My shoulder was done for, and there wasn’t enough physical therapy in the world that could fix me enough so that I could return to active duty.”
Theo chuckled darkly, “They offered me a desk job in the San Francisco field office, and I shot it down—with lots of cursing and very little understanding of where they were coming from. In my mind, a desk job was no better than a death sentence. I didn’t work for a year after leaving the FBI, I went to physical therapy and stayed in my room, that’s it.”
“That’s where the disassociation started. It was too painful to be present all the time. Half the time the pain was from my shoulder and the other half was because I’d pulled someone into my pack so fast and quick that when Cobb left us, we were suddenly unbalanced. It had always been Aria, Matteo, and I against the world. Now we could barely stand to be in the same room together.” Even just the thought of the three alphas fighting with each other hurt to think about.
Everything that I’d seen since coming to live with them told me that they were a solid family unit. A family unit that I was quickly wanting to be a part of on a more permanent basis. They had shown me what it was like to be around people who genuinely adored each other, and they shared that adoration with me when they really didn’t need to. They could have just protected me and left it at that. Instead, it had been almost too easy to let myself be courted by them.
“I’d sometimes just go away for hours, sitting in my bed or on the couch and staring at the wall or at my hands. I’d ignore Aria and Matteo when they’d ask me questions or try to get me to go out for something other than physical therapy.”
“How did you guys end up fixing things?”
“Aria dumped a bucket of ice water on me.” Theo’s eyes were sparkling with mirth now as he thought about the memory. “She said that, either we go to therapy and figure our shit out, or she was going to toss me off of the balcony. So, off to therapy we went, and then we bought a new couch because she had ruined the old one.” He patted the material of the couch fondly, “I was diagnosed with PTSD pretty quickly, and we were given some tools to use when I dissociate, to help bring me back when I go too far away.”
Those tools were the ice in my hand and the sensory game, I realized. The ice had shocked my system, forcing me back into my body, and the sensory game had grounded me in my surroundings. I’d used lists before when having a panic attack, lists of ingredients in a dish, lists of people that I know, lists of colors, and many other kinds of lists, but I’d never thought about it in terms of what I could feel or hear.
“Do you want to talk about what forced you out of your head?” Theo asked, bringing my attention back to him. He moved from his crouched position to sit next to me on the couch, and pulled me close in a comforting hug that was full of his spearmint scent.
I really didn’t want to talk about it, but since he’d shared a piece of himself with me when he didn’t have to, I felt like I needed to.
“I just kept thinking about how unfair it was. I’ve never gone out of my way to hurt others, I don’t break the law and, sure, I piss off the occasional secretary, but I am not a bad person. It just feels like every time I try to move forward, I just keep getting pulled back by Hezekiah Jordan. I can’t seem to catch a break. And now? Now everyone knows my face and who I am so even after all of this is over, even if we catch the killer, and even if we put Hezekiah Jordan away for life...I’m never going to be anonymous again. I’m always going to be the weirdo child-bride of one of the United States’ most famous cult leaders.”
The sob that had been waiting for hours to be free, rippled out of my chest with a strangled gasp, and I realized that my cheeks were wet with tears.
Theo pulled me into his chest and wrapped his arms around my shoulders. Then, he let me cry as I mourned the death of my anonymity, and faced a future that would forever be tied to Hezekiah Jordan’s in the eyes of the society that we lived in.
CHAPTER 30
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We stood silently inthe dining room and listened as Tibby’s sobs echoed throughout the apartment. I hadn’t meant to listen to their conversation, we’d been so busy trying to figure out our next steps, that I’d only really tuned in once Theo started talking about the past. Our own talk about the past after sleeping together last week had never come, mostly because we’d been so busy chasing Jamie Jordan that it had taken a back burner...well that and Theo and I were both giant cowards. It was easier to throw ourselves into work rather than have to talk about our feelings.
