Now, however, as I listened to just how much my leaving had nearly destroyed this pack...overwhelming guilt twisted inside of my gut like a jagged knife. Five years ago I had figured that they would be better off without me. The whole reason that Theo had been shot, after all, was because of me, but now...I really wasn’t so sure. That was the worst thought of all. When you make decisions like that, you convince yourself that you made the right choice. Most people don’t get the chance to come back and see the true repercussions of their choices, but I was now, and it was a shitty feeling.
Matteo’s hand gripped my shoulder, bringing me out of my self-flagellating thoughts. “Hey, I know that expression. Don’t you dare feel guilty. It’s been five years, we worked through our issues together, and we’re definitely stronger for it. I would rather go through years of issues with Aria and Theo, than live in a world without you in it. Which is what the alternative was on that night.”
Matteo and I had never really had a serious conversation like this before, the alpha was always easy-going and just happy to be around the people that he loved. Now, as I looked at him, something had changed inside of him over the last two hours as we helplessly watched Tibby stare at the TV. The normally happy-go-lucky alpha had hardened on the inside, and in his place was someone who I didn’t quite recognize.
“How am I supposed to fix it?” I murmured softly, “I broke it, and it was glued back together while I was avoiding you guys for five years. What am I supposed to do?”
Aria had been the one to keep it the most together earlier, remaining on the phone with Marcus Whitlock until she was sure that all of the billboards had been taken down and the news station had been sent a cease and desist order. Now, she just looked exhausted. Her amber eyes, which had been glued on the open doorway to the living room, now shifted so that she was looking directly at me.
“Do you still love Theo?” She asked.
“It’s not that simple—” I began, but she cut me off.
“No, it is that simple, Jacob Collins.” She said using my full name, “All of the obstacles in your relationship before? Fraternization within the FBI? The trainer/trainee relationship? Hell even the gun-shot wound—all of those aren’t in your way anymore. Life was already too short before there was a psycho killer on the loose, now it’s even shorter. Do you love him?” She repeated herself again.
I already knew the answer, I’ve always known the answer.
“Yes.”
Aria nodded a few times, more to herself than anyone else. “Okay, then. Good. I love him too. So, tell him that so we can focus on figuring out how to protect our omega together as a pack rather than a broken group of people who need to get their shit together.”
––––––––
––––––––
An hour later, I watchedMatteo and Aria lead a swollen-eyed Tibby upstairs to get some rest. The sun had set outside and darkness was quickly approaching as the lights of the city came on to illuminate the night. Theo was leaning against the counter, pinching the bridge of his nose to ward off what had to be a bitch of a migraine.
“I sent the pictures I took at Marion Burnes’s house to Emerson. She’s going to put together a composite that we can start comparing to DMV and other government records to see if we can find our friendly neighborhood ghost, Jamie Jordan.” Theo said as he pulled a whiskey glass out of one of the cabinets, pouring two fingers of amber liquid into the glass and knocking it back.
“Want some?” He asked, holding the bottle out of me, when I shook my head Theo just shrugged and poured himself another glass to sip on.
I needed to figure out how to begin this conversation. I had a feeling that it would be rough on both of us, and I kind of wished that I could hide in my room and pretend like everything was okay. My facial expression must have shown my thoughts, because Theo sighed heavily.
“So, I assume that you heard our conversation?” He asked, sipping on his glass of whiskey and muttering under his breath, “I’m definitely going to need this...c’mon, let’s talk in my office.”
I followed behind him silently and shut the door to the office behind me. My palms had started to sweat and I wiped them off on my pants. Theo flopped down onto the couch and crossed one leg over the other. “So, you’ve heard the whole sordid tale now, I guess.”
I snorted, “It’s hardly sordid, Theo. You guys figured your shit out together, that’s more than I can say for you and I.”
“You didn’t really give me a chance to figure anything out with you. You left before I even woke up.” Theo pointed out. His expression wasn’t one of anger or hate, instead, all I could see in his eyes was the desire to understand my intentions from five years ago. “And I’ve been waiting five years to ask you why.”
Five years ago, when I left the hospital and packed up my apartment I had one thought in my mind and one thought only: That I’d brought this outcome onto myself. I’d broken the rules, and bad things happened when you break rules. So, everything that happened to me afterward was what I deserved.
“I broke the rules, Theo. You and I should have never started a romantic relationship and you stepping in the line of fire for me showed me that...or at least I thought that it did.” I was confused now, because I had kept that mindset for five years, throwing myself into work and ignoring the people around me and what had that gotten me? I didn’t make friends, I didn’t date, hell I’d even avoided my mom and grandma for a little while—well at least until they’d shown up at my doorstep one day and given me the scolding of a lifetime.
“Guppy, did you actually think that you needed to punish yourself?” Theo asked incredulously, “What happened that made you think that you needed to do that?”
“Last time I checked, Theo, you almost died. That wouldn’t have happened if we weren’t dating and working together. You would never have gotten shot.”
Theo’s blue eyes thinned out into slits as he squinted at me before he used both of his hands to aggressively rub his face a few times. “Guppy, you can’t be serious. You’ve been punishing yourself for five years...forthatdumb ass reason?”
At his words, my anger rose, and I started to bristle. I’d been miserable for five years, and he was calling it stupid! I opened my mouth to tell him exactly that, but Theo wasn’t done yet.
“I don’t think you realize. Even if we had never started a romantic relationship five years ago, and had kept things purely professional...I would have still taken that bullet for you, Jacob Collins. You were my trainee long before you were my lover, and you were my partner. Partners look out for each other—yeah I could have died from that bullet, but where that sniper was aiming? You 100% would have died if I hadn’t stepped in.”
Theo stood and crossed the room, his hands gripping my shoulder tightly as he hunched down until our eyes were level with each other. “If I had let you die that night I would haveneverforgiven myself. I would be so fucked up that there is no way that I would have been able to function. There would be no going back from that. Aria, Matteo, and I would not have been able to fix things, and I would have gone the rest of my life regretting that I had let a rookie die when I could have done something about it. Lover or not.”
“So basically, what you are telling me, is that the past five years were a giant waste of time?”
