Entry no.3
It’s been a while since I wrote here; life has a way of passing by like that.After over six months of preparation, interviews, research, crying, jumping with joy, being disappointed and being rejected from different companies, I finally received an offer from the Space Association of Europe (SAE) to be on board as an astronaut with them.It was an emotionally taxing experience, but it was worth the wait.Darshan used to stay awake with me most nights, studying alongside me and sometimes quizzing me on space terms.We continued sharing the apartment until the end of the third year of my PhD, which I couldn’t have been more grateful for.I don’t know how I would have still kept going without him constantly reminding me of my dream.I almost gave up at times because of the weight of the uncertainty that I was carrying on my shoulders.
I had to move to Cologne to do my basic training at the Space Centre of Europe, which meant that I had to part ways with Darshan.However, he assured me that he will stay in touch and visit me here when he can, between his internship at a children’s psychology clinic.I was worried about being lost, but I know that I can do this on my own.I had already done it once before.I often have dreams of Apollo talking to me, telling me how proud he is of me, and I always wake with the patch of my skin on fire where he held my hand in my dream.It always feels so real that when I wake up, I grieve his absence all over again.
But to my surprise, my parents showed up at my doorstep in Hamburg to help me with moving to Cologne and settling in at my new house.It was the first time the anxious voices in my head stopped.I felt at home again, even though I wasn’t physically in Kingston.I celebrated my news with them, showed them around Hamburg, and we all took a flight to Cologne.
I am closer to being twenty-six, I am currently my parents’ only child, and my parents are also growing older every single year.One thing I can’t stop being grateful for is the fact that even if I am the only child they can focus on and can have expectations for, they have not once pressured me to live a certain way.They don’t pressure me to settle down or find happiness in another person.They smile the same way they smiled at me when I was a ten-year-old child, telling them that I wanted to become an astronaut.I don’t know if I got lucky, but saying that would disregard all the intentional ways of parenting that my parents continuously do.
Once I settled in, I had to say goodbye to them again, which never feels good.Every time I move to another place after I’ve made a home in one place, it feels like I lose people again, and I keep second-guessing whether it was worth moving in the first place.But my Mum keeps reminding me that little Luna would look up to me with her head held high.I was living the life that she dreamt of, and that thought is enough to keep me going.I try to call them at least once a month now, amidst my busy training schedules, so that I can hear their voices because I’m afraid that I will forget their voices if I go months without talking to them.
It’s been a few months into my year-long basic astronaut training, where we’ve been introduced to the other space agencies and given an overview of SAE and its space programs.We have also been introduced to the five trainees in our batch.I haven’t had the chance or time to become well acquainted with everyone except one girl – Zara.
Zara is interesting because she initially seemed uninterested in everyone, with her serious face and the lack of small talk.I said hi to her on the first day, but she didn’t respond except for a quick nod.On the day we had our first Russian language lesson, I was panicking about failing the module because I couldn’t get a grasp on the language as much as I was able to learn German.I had an anxiety attack in the middle of class and had to run out of the classroom but surprisingly, Zara followed me out and made sure to sit with me silently until my breathing came back to normal and made sure I drank water.She went back into the classroom as if nothing happened.After that day, I put more effort into being around her and to learn more about her.I sat with her in our science classes and Russian classes, and she slowly warmed up to me – she smiles sometimes.
Currently, Zara and I follow an unspoken-but-agreed-upon routine of meeting each other at the gym first thing in the morning, doing cardio and weights and going into classes together later.We try to train together during scuba lessons (a simulation of the space environment) because, as much of a strong and confident person she is, she has a fear of large bodies of water, which I am able to help with by being her support.Sometimes, I also like to believe that I give her the love she deserves that she was never able to get from her family.
I still think back to the times in Kingston where I chose to stay away from people, but Zara has taught me that sometimes the right friends step into our lives and show us how much we can help each other stay strong.I have been independent in my studies for so long that I never realised how lost I would have been if I hadn’t gotten help from either Zara or Darshan.
To the Luna from four and a half years ago who moved to Germany and decided to give a final chance to friendship even after getting her heart continuously trampled upon by people she loved, thank you.Without you, I would not have friends in Germany whom I’d die for.
17
Entry no.4
Everything hurts.My mind, my body, my heart, and my soul.It’s been two months since I finished my pre-assessment training (advanced training) after my year of basic training.In the pre-assessment training (that takes place before we get assigned to any missions), we were given more in-depth lessons to gain knowledge and skills in resource and data operations, robotics, navigation, maintenance, spacewalks, medical aspects and payloads.We also got a chance to travel to many partner sites such as AASA (American Aeronautics and Space Administration), SAJ (Space Association of Japan) and RSA (Russian Space Agency).It was a fulfilling time of learning and experiencing things first-hand, and operating machinery more than in our basic training.But at the same time, it was an emotional and physical whiplash of travelling to places constantly, doing my best at every single task and needing to have the energy to network at all places.I recognise how lucky I am to get a chance to be here, experiencing all this.But I’ve also been putting tenfold the effort that ensures that my trainers have a good impression of me and my skills.
That is why it hurts more.After my pre-assessment training, we were given opportunities to apply internally to all the space missions that our agency and partner agencies were doing.I applied to most of them, but week by week, I got rejection emails from each of them until the number of applications that I am yet to hear back from dwindled.I try to stay strong, but the voice in my head doesn’t stop screaming at me that I’ve made a mistake and that this is all worth nothing, that I am notgood enough.
I am happy.I genuinely am, for each of my batchmates who comes to me with the happy news that they’ve been assigned to a mission.But I cannot stop interpreting it as my lack.As much as it stings hearing everyone move forward, the one person’s news that I was nothing but happy about was Zara’s.She is assigned to a mission with AASA to explore Mars for habitability, and she deserves it for all the hard work that she put into her training.
I spend most of my days refreshing my memory of all my study materials and helping senior astronauts with the operations for their missions.I can’t help but feel pressure in my chest from having something be so close to my reach but not be able to grab on to it.Darshan and my parents take turns checking on me every two weeks, but I hold back from telling them how I feel like an imposter and that I want to come back.
Today, I was going through the things on my table to find the guitar pick that I always keep on the trinket tray.It is the most unappealing-looking green-coloured pick, but I always keep it in my pocket or hold it in my hand when I’m having a bad day.Today, it was missing.I always have all my things properly arranged on the desk, but it was misplaced; the stress must have gotten to me.
I grew increasingly anxious and afraid that I had lost it.I threw all the things from my desk on the floor and emptied the drawers, but I still couldn’t find it.I made a mess of my room and sat on the floor, zoning out, numb after losing all hope.But there it was, in the corner of my room, right in front of my eyeline.I grabbed it, and everything felt hopeful again.I want to believe that everything will come back again.Apollo’s favourite pick did.It went missing when everything was chaotic and came back to me once the storm passed.So, my dream will come back to me too, won't it?
