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Entry no.2
It’s been close to a year since I stepped foot into Hamburg, and my life is different but still the same in some ways.I was immediately pulled into a familiar world of academics after I landed here, and the cold air and grey skies reminded me of London.I wallowed in my room in my shared flat for a day or two, after which my roommate Darshan (he’s a Psychology postgraduate student who was born in Germany but his ethnic roots are in Singapore) got concerned about me and politely invited me to have dinner together.I reluctantly accepted his invitation, and he took me out to get doner kebabs, which is apparently the go-to food for students and the locals.He also offered to give me German lessons at home when he saw me struggling to string together sentences other thanGuten morgen.
Today was my birthday, and I had decided to spend it all alone in the lab continuing my research on exoplanetary studies to analyse their potential to be habitable.There was an experiment with the laser spectroscopy that I needed to redo with a few changes; my entire study depended on it going right.But Darshan, being the dependable, kind and fun friend (that I didn’t know I needed) politely gave me a reality check when he called me while I was in the lab and said that I needed to stop avoiding celebrating my birthday because last year went horribly.
I thought about it for a while, during which Darshan kept sending me messages of increasing urgency asking me to get out of the lab.I finally caved in and decided to wrap up my lab work for the day and meet Darshan at home.
When I opened the door to our flat, Darshan screamed, ‘Surprise!’and gave me a good scare.He was dressed in an orange shirt and dark brown pants, a party hat tied to his head and tinsel in his hand.I burst into tears, which scared him in return, but after a while, I explained how meaningful his gesture was.I recognised the effort that went into making my birthday memorable when I was not particularly enthusiastic to celebrate it in the first place.
He took me out for a quick shopping spree and bought me a couple of dresses and a book that I had wanted for a while.Darshan always looks like the breeziest person who never takes anything too seriously, but only those who get to spend time with him know that he would do anything for the people he likes.He would move mountains for people he loved and wouldn’t even hesitate to put himself between the person and a bullet moving towards them.
We ended the day by sitting together on the couch in our cosy pyjamas to combat the chilly weather of autumn in Hamburg, and watched Corpse Bride (our favourite movie) as we ate pepperoni pizza and salted caramel ice cream right out of the tub.After Charlie and Cooper, I genuinely didn’t want to take the risk of being friends with anyone again.I had had enough with being vulnerable and allowing people to walk into my life just for them to abandon me at the slightest inconvenience.But letting Darshan in is the best decision of my life.He aggressively motivates me to be myself, even on the days when I don’t like myself.
After Darshan fell asleep on the couch while we were watching the movie, I put a blanket on him and tiptoed to my room.I sat on the bed and called my parents to catch up with them.I told them about the events of the day, and they sounded glad that I did not punish myself by only doing work the entire day and that Darshan pushed me to celebrate my birthday.I hesitated for a minute, which my Mum immediately noticed and asked what happened.Despite Darshan helping me not linger too much on my sadness of not having Cooper with me today, my thoughts reverted back to him after the day’s noise ended, and I was left to sit in silence with my thoughts.
I couldn’t help but feel a void from Cooper’s absence or the fact that he didn’t even send me a text or give me a call to wish me.Two years ago, I wouldn’t even have imagined someone special being with me on my birthday, but after last year, it doesn’t feel normal to not have him here.
I asked my parents if they knew anything about Cooper and what he’s up to.Mum went silent; she didn’t like thinking about the time I was sad because of Cooper.Even though she didn’t know the details of our breakup, she could probably feel it as a mother that something went terribly wrong.She looked like she knew something about Cooper’s life now, but hesitated to tell me until Appa gave her a look – conveying that it was going to be okay – and he told me what he knew.Appa had run into him a week back in Leo’s art store.Appa sometimes dabbles in painting, even though he was an art reviewer most of the time.When I was with Cooper, I had told him about Leo’s store because Cooper worked there and only had the best things to say about it.And Appa also loves supporting indie stores.I guess he finally took my advice and went.
Appa is always the person to empathise with people’s circumstances and thinks logically about people’s motivations for their behaviour.Mum is more of a fierce protector who doesn’t like it if someone hurts the people she loves.When he told me that he noticed Cooper looking gloomy in the store and that he initiated a conversation with him, it didn’t surprise me.Cooper always wanted to expand his skills and study more about painting.When Appa asked him what he was doing at the moment, he told him that he was considering doing an art course.Appa told him about a reputable art course in Chennai (his hometown) that his friend Shiva was doing and offered to send Cooper the details if he was interested in it.He took up Appa’s offer and is currently preparing to go to Chennai.
As much as I am happy to hear that he is doing well, hearing more about his life going on without me brings more pain.I made a mental note during the call to lessen the number of times I ask my parents about Cooper.Not knowing things will help me move on.
I can only hope that the longing fades over time and that I stop thinking about him every morning when I wake and every night before I go to sleep.But for tonight, I know I will run through a movie of all our memories together before I fall asleep.
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