PART TWO
14
Entry no.1
It’s been a week since the breakup – correction – since Cooper broke my heart.I dusted off this notebook to try to write my thoughts and feelings in here.It would be best to finally let them breathe instead of constantly suffocating them with my need to be the perfect daughter, the perfect student and the perfect friend that never burdens anyone.Being the perfect anything didn’t count because Cooper still decided that I wasn’t good enough for him.
We haven’t spoken since I last saw him on my birthday.A constant pain thrums inside me, which feels like my heart is surrounded by a metal chain that squeezes harder every time I think about him.But I have to keep it together because I have decided to go to Germany.After all, as Cooper said, there is nothing to stay for.Obviously, I will miss my parents, but I need to leave and find myself when I’m not in my hometown and not surrounded by my comfort people.Maybe I will eventually realise the reason for all of this happening, but right now I cannot feel anything other than the stinging pain of his words.Let’s end this, Lunais what he said.I can’t believe that the words effortlessly came out of his mouth, as if he could easily sever the connection between us without thinking twice about it.The words echo in my head whenever I close my eyes.
I came back alone from Box Hill, and my Mum was quick to notice that something was off with me.She waited for a few days to ask me about it, along with Appa, because he started to pick up on the sudden shift in my mood, too.I told them that Cooper and I broke up, but I withheld the details; I didn’t want them to think badly of Cooper.And that was it, they nodded and accepted my answer for what it was and didn’t prod further.But in their extra care and affection, I knew that they saw the depth of sadness in me.And they may have become wary of Cooper.
I spent the entire day with my parents, checking off items in my checklist to confirm that I packed everything for my move.Every time the doorbell rang, my heart raced, and I wanted it to be Cooper, coming back to me.But it was never him.Every time a notification popped up, or my phone rang, I would wish on all the stars that I would find his name on the screen, but again ...it was never him.This feeling felt all too familiar; my body and brain already remembered going through the motions when I waited, wishing for a goodbye from Apollo.Nevertheless, I never got one from him either.
Before I wheeled all of my luggage outside the house, I considered going into Apollo’s room to take some of his things with me, but the pain of Cooper was too raw, and I couldn’t bear to be hit with the memories of Apollo, too.I went past his door like usual.
I had put on a fake smile for my parents because they are proud of me for getting into one of the top universities on my wish list.And they are beyond happy for me.I can’t disappoint them by being down in the dumps all day.They drove me to the airport, making sure I had everything I needed before I went through the security check.It was the last place they could accompany me; I was on my own after that.That meant it was the final place in the airport from which I could have hoped to see Cooper running towards me, to give me a tight hug and send me off.I had sent him a message in the morning, letting him know that I was leaving – wishing that he would want to meet me one final time – but he never responded.
Once I hugged my parents, and they both gave me a kiss on my head, my eyes roamed all over the place, wishing that some corner of the room would have Cooper standing there.But no, he wasn’t there.I made it all the way to the boarding gate, and I sat there looking at the floor.I was crying, and my heart was shattering into pieces because Cooper dropped it from his protective hands.
Now I sit on the flight as it makes its way to my new life, writing this in the hopes of feeling a minuscule better than I did before.I hold onto the pendant that still lives near my heart.I hold onto the thought that wherever Apollo is in this world, he is with me as I move to an entirely new place.I don’t know if I will ever feel the same way again, if my heart will ever open itself to someone again.I’m afraid that I will never love anyone the way I do Cooper.What if only he has the key to my heart, and no one else will be able to break through the lock?
But I guess only time will answer that question.
