I don’t know if my words can bring any consolation to the heaviness in her, but I pull her into me so that I can help her hold the big feelings within her heart.‘I’m sorry,’ I whisper.
She nods against my chest, and she wraps her arms tight around my waist.I let her hold me for however long she wants, until she feels better.
‘I got into the PhD program.’She breaks the silence.
I pull apart and turn to face her, holding her arms with both my hands.‘What?That is amazing, Luna!Obviously, my girl got into the program.’I try to convey my enthusiasm for her news.But she still stays silent, her head facing down.I rub the side of her arm in the rhythm of a metronome.‘Luna?’
She looks up at me, and her eyes are already full of tears.‘It’s in Germany, Cooper.’
All I could get out was ‘Oh.’That means she won’t be here in a few months.I won’t be able to hold her in my arms.I falter for a second, but of course, I am happy for her.Right?She deserves this and more for the amount of hard work that she has put into her career.‘That is still good.You get a chance to do what you have worked for all your life.’
She is quiet, lost in her thoughts.This isn’t like her; she would be ecstatic about this news if it were the Luna that I met four months back.But something has changed, and I can’t help but feel like I have something to do with this.
‘I don’t want to go.’She winces as she says it, as if she is pricking herself with her words.
I am taken aback.The Luna I knew would never do anything to give up on her future, especially not when it is right within her reach.‘Why?’My voice comes out plain.
‘Because I don’t want to leave you,’ she responds matter-of-factly.
The blood rushes from my face, and I probably look like I saw a ghost.I don’t want Luna to leave either, but I also know that it’s not right for her to throw away all the work she did, just for me.I can’t let her do that, I won’t.‘It’s not right, Luna.This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.’My voice comes out stern.
‘I will always get another opportunity, but I can’t lose you, Cooper.’Her voice rises in loudness.She sounds like she is trying to convince herself more than convince me.
‘Why do you want to give up on it entirely?We can try to make it work somehow.’
‘I can’t, Cooper.’
‘Why not?’
‘Because of my PhD, my work requires all my time and effort.I know that I won’t have time to give you, and inevitably it might lead to us breaking up.’I can hear the frustration in her voice.
‘How will you know if you never try Luna?’
‘What if something happens to you when I’m gone?Then what?’She bites out the words.
My body stiffens, she thinks that her leaving might cause something to happen to me, like what happened to Apollo.I know her; nothing I say is going to convince her.This isn’t right.I can’t risk her staying here for me and eventually choosing to lea—.My stomach tightens, my hands tremble as I swallow the lump in my throat.I squeeze my eyes shut, and I prepare myself for what I am going to do.‘Let’s end this, Luna.’
I watch the blood rush down her face.‘What?’
‘There is no point in staying here when there is nothing to stay for.’I spit out the words as they leave claw marks inside my throat.I turn around to not face her anymore.I cannot bear to see the pain on her face because of me.My head feels heavy, and a wave of nausea crashes into me.
‘Are you breaking up with me?’She sounds defeated.
You are doing the right thing for her.You are doing the right thing.The right thing.The voices chant in my head.I believe them.
‘Don’t do this, Cooper, please.’The warmth of her skin radiates near my arm, her hand lingering behind mine.
I stay silent.If I say something now, I will change my mind.I can’t live with myself if I let her give up everything she worked for.I stay with my back turned to her, my throat thick with tears.
‘Is that it?You are going to throw us away, just like that?I thought you loved me, Cooper?’Her voice cracks as she says that.
There is still a glimmer of hope in her words, hoping that this is all a misunderstanding and that I will agree with her choice.I hide the pain in my expression, my face devoid of any emotion, my fists clenched before turning to face her again.I train my eyes on her as I say, ‘Your world doesn’t have to revolve around me.We are over Luna, and that is final.’My heart roars inside my chest.I just lost her entirely.
She moves back from me, as if I physically hit her.‘I can’t believe I thought that you were going to protect my heart.You ended up being just like Charlie.’Her words come out as sharp as a knife.She waits a minute to see if I would say anything.Disappointed in my silence, she shakes her head and walks away, down the hill.
I clutch my chest as I listen to the sounds of her sniffling and watch the silhouette of her fade away from me.The ghost of her presence is strong; I still smell her perfume in the air.This was the aftermath of my decisions, and I have to live with it.‘What have I done?’I mutter to no one in particular, as I look at the sky above me and allow myself to cry until my throat is raw.Salty tears flow rapidly down my face.
I walk to my car holding onto the single thought that this was the right thing to do, my heart selfishly hopes that she is waiting by the car, but her absence tells me that I have done what I meant to do –pushed her away.She is gone, and I don’t know if I will ever see her or hold her again.The only thing I can do as I drive back home is hope that she does well in life and becomes successful as an astronaut.
