‘I think her bump reminded her quite a lot, if you recall when you first met us.’
‘Yes, but it’s still a more abstract thing. And you can decide not to look if you don’t want to think about it. A baby…that’s a whole different ball game.’
His gaze went to where Billie was sleeping in the bed next to Louisa’s cot, her hair damp with sweat and face slack with exhaustion. ‘Do you think we’ll be all right?’
‘I think we have to keep a close eye on things. Have you contacted Luis’s family to let them know Louisa has arrived?’
‘Not yet. I’ll do it shortly, just need to catch my breath first.’
‘I know what you mean.’ Zoe patted his arm. ‘Do you think they’ll fly over?’
‘I would have thought so. Not that we’re ready for visitors, but we could be. Honestly, I’m not sure if their coming will help Billie or make things worse, but we can’t really tell them not to, can we? They’re Louisa’s other grandparents.’
‘It’ll be hard, but I’m sure Billie wouldn’t stop them from seeing her. Maybe it will be some comfort to know they’re in Louisa’s life, even if her dad can’t be?’
‘Maybe.’ Alex paused. ‘Is it bad that a bit of me doesn’t want to share her with them? I don’t know…it feels like we’ve fought so hard to get to this point, with the adoption plan and everything hanging over us, and they haven’t seen any of it. They’ve just sat there in Spain, blissfully ignorant, and now they get to turn up and fuss the baby.’
‘They did lose their son,’ Zoe reminded him gently.
‘They did, I know. Iambeing unreasonable.’
‘I didn’t say that, but I’m sure it hasn’t been plain sailing for them either. And don’t forget Louisa will be growing up with you. She’ll be in a completely different country, changing every day, and they won’t get to see any of that. They might not get to see her very often at all, and their relationship with her will be totally different from yours.’
He scratched his head with a lopsided smile. ‘She might end up liking them better. I’m not sure how annoying I might be to live with, and they do say absence makes the heart grow fonder.’
‘That could never happen. You’ll be brilliant, and she’ll adore you.’
‘Now I feel even more unreasonable. But I just look at her and I don’t want to share. I want to…’
‘Protect her? Keep her safe from absolutely everything and everyone?’
‘Yes. Billie too, no matter what it takes. And I know I can’t, not really, not from everything, and I hate that.’
‘But I love that you want to.’
He looked at her with his small uncertain smile. ‘Is it patronising and sexist to say I feel that way about you too?’
‘You want to protect me?’
He nodded.
‘A little bit, but I’ll let it slide.’ She returned his smile, but hers was brighter. ‘Sometimes patronising is nice – if it comes from the right place, I mean. Just don’t go making a habit of it.’
‘I’ll try not to.’ He paused, his smile fading now. ‘How are you doing?’
‘It’s been a mad day, but I’m fine. Tired, but…’
‘Only…well, I know this month is the first anniversary since…you know…yourbaby…’
‘Ah…’ Zoe gave a short nod. ‘That. I wasn’t going to say anything; it didn’t seem like the right time with Billie being so close to hers.’
‘I didn’t say anything because I wasn’t sure you wanted to be reminded. Or you might prefer not to talk about it. Did I do wrong?’
‘I don’t think there’s really a right in this case. I appreciate that you even had the dilemma. I know you were trying to help. It’s funny, though, I thought it might be harder than it is, actually.’
Louisa stirred, straining to open her eyes, arms outstretched as if asking to be held. Zoe couldn’t help herself. She reached into the cot and scooped her out. She’d smelled it a thousand times, that new baby smell, like the softest talc and cotton and tiny breaths, but never had it been as potent as this.
Alex reached out to stroke her little hands, and she grabbed on to his finger, making him smile, inciting an emotion that caught Zoe by surprise. There was a pang of loss – she’d been denied holding her own baby like this – but there was longing too, a part of her that, despite the newness of their relationship, suddenly wanted to share this moment with him, but for it tobe their baby. It was a wonderful daydream that racked her with guilt too. This was Billie’s baby, his moment, not hers.
