She shook the thoughts as Louisa settled back into sleep. ‘I wasn’t sure how I’d feel, looking at Billie’s baby but…’ She shrugged. ‘I suppose I’m used to it now. I mean, I do deliver babies for a living too, and in the last few weeks I’ve delivered both Ottilie and Georgia’s… I lost mine, and that will never stop hurting, but I’m happy for everyone else. Seeing Louisa now, I feel nothing but love. I know she’s not mine by blood, but I love the little dote already. Look at her…how could you not?’
He circled an arm around her shoulders. ‘You’re amazing, do you know that?’
‘I don’t know about that.’ Zoe wiped a rogue tear from her eye. ‘But I don’t mind if you want to say it again.’
‘I’ll say it on the daily until you get the message. Listen, do you need a minute to go and let your dad know what’s happening? I mean, will the reception still be going? It’s late, but?—’
‘I don’t think I want to be anywhere but here right now. I’m sure nobody missed me, and if I’m beingveryhonest, I was secretly glad of the escape route. Is that terrible?’
‘Shocking,’ he said with a low laugh. ‘I won’t tell anyone.’
‘Thanks. I’ll try Dad in a bit.’
‘Once we get Louisa home, things are going to be great,’ Alex said. ‘It might take a bit of adjusting, but we’ll get there.’
Zoe’s gaze went to Billie, sleeping so deeply she’d barely shifted. She loved Alex’s optimism, but something told her it wasn’t going to be quite that simple.
17
Billie and Louisa had been home for three days, and Billie seemed to be taking to motherhood like she’d never had a single doubt about it. The truth was, she’d had many, colossal doubts, and so to see her settle down so easily was ringing alarm bells for Zoe. She wanted to believe that Billie had simply worked through her issues before the birth and it was this that had allowed her to adjust so quickly. She had, after all, at one point declared her intent to have Louisa adopted, and feelings that strong didn’t simply clear in an instant – did they? Zoe couldn’t quite believe that they would, and she hated to be a pessimist, but she couldn’t help it.
They were in the living room now. Billie was fastening a clean nappy onto Louisa as Zoe bagged up the dirty one.
‘I can do it,’ Billie said, glancing up. ‘You don’t have to keep doing everything for me. I’ll have to do it next week when you go back to work, so I might as well get used to it. And you didn’t have to take the week off to be here. Everyone else has to work out how to do this stuff, so why am I different?’
‘Most mums have some sort of support in the first few weeks. Nobody is trying to make you feel incompetent.’
‘I didn’t say I felt incompetent. It’s just annoying to keep having you hover over me.’
‘I’ll try not to then.’
‘Why don’t you go back to work? It’d be fine, and I could call if I needed you.’
‘I was due time off anyway so it made sense to take it this week. Besides, you forget, I don’t have anything else to do with my leave. We’re not likely to go on holiday any time soon, your dad doesn’t need any help yet with the camping pods and both of my best friends are too busy with babies of their own to go out with me. So I might as well be here, and you might as well take advantage of the help while you have it. I’m not doing things because I think you can’t; I’m doing them to give you as much rest as possible because you’ve just given birth and that’s a traumatic thing, even for women who have it easy. Not that there’s any such thing as an easy birth, of course. It’s exhausting, and your body needs to recover.’
Billie fastened Louisa’s romper suit and said nothing. Zoe wondered if she was as annoyed as she seemed to be. She looked annoyed, but then, her life had been turned upside down, and so had her hormones, so perhaps it wasn’t surprising that her tolerance levels weren’t what they would normally be.
‘You’re trying to tell me I’m getting under your feet?’ she asked. ‘Would you rather I went back to work?’
‘That’s not what I meant. Now I sound like an ungrateful cow.’
‘That wasn’t my intention…’ Zoe sighed. ‘I might drive out to Keswick for an hour or two, pick up some things, get some air. Do you need me to get anything for you? You could even come if you felt up to it – might do you good to get out.’
‘I don’t need to go out.’
‘But you’ve been home for three days and you haven’t set foot outside the door. Surely you’d like a bit of fresh air?’
‘Do I need to go out?’
‘Nobody’s forcing you, but eventually, of course you do.’
‘Only I don’t feel up to it yet, and I don’t want Louisa to get cold.’
‘You can wrap her up and she’ll be fine. Babies in Finland sleep out in their prams in sub-zero temperatures, and they’re all perfectly happy. Actually, it would be a good chance to try out your pram too.’
Billie offered a withering look. ‘There’s nothing in Keswick.’
There was loads to do in Keswick, not least admire the charm of the town itself, but Zoe could recognise a lost argument when she saw one. She wondered whether she ought to stay home too, despite what Billie had been saying. There was no immediate concern, just that niggling doubt again that had her worrying about something that would probably never happen. Mood swings were all part of the gift of the postnatal experience – Zoe knew that. But Billie seemed to be all over the place – one minute she couldn’t stand the sight of Zoe, and the next she was plaintively asking her to take Louisa because she was exhausted.
