My feet move before I have the chance to talk myself out of searching for her. I don’t know what I’m going to do when I find her, but Idoknow she’s going to have the best damn birthday. We’re her fucking family now, and family doesn’t let family celebrate their birthdays alone.
I can’t see her through the crowd of people, the faces blur together, none of them standing out like hers does, none of them making me want to smile until I melt into a tiny little puddle on the floor like hers does.
I stand on the stairs, trying to get a better look when I hear a thud come from one of the bedrooms. “You look so good. When I saw you I just couldn’t help myself” I hear Nathan say.
There’s no way right? She wouldn’t.
Right?
The thrumming in my ears blocks out all other sounds, and my limbs go numb as I race up the stairs and start opening each door one by one, searching for the brown haired girl who put her fucking heart on the line tonight.
The last door I open reveals Nathan on top of her. I can’t see her face, but I can see the sick smile plastered all over his. My vision goes red, and all I can think to do is rip him apart.
I grab him by the shoulders, throwing him to the floor and off of Claire, “get the fuck off of her you prick” I yell.
He scrambles to get himself up, his pants hang loosely around his hips and I have to fight the wave of nausea that hits me as I process what was happening up here. I mean, I knew it was, but to see it with my own eyes is so much worse.
There’s a crazed look in his eyes when he goes to take a swing at me. He’s drunk though, and I easily move out of the way in time. Nathan falls back to the ground and despite the rational part of me screaming to just let it go –to grab Claire and make sure she’s safe– I give in to the rage flowing through my veins and kick him in the ribs.
He sputters out a cough while I whip around to look at Claire. Her face is red and tears roll down her cheek while she stares down at Nathan. There’s no life in her eyes, just a blank face with a hint of fear…
“Fuck you St. James” Nathan spits.
I turn my head over my shoulder, “get lost before I fucking kill you.”
He walks out of the room, leaving Claire and I completely alone. It’s quiet in here, an awkward, stale silence that leaves every inch of my skin itchy and uncomfortable. For what feels like the first time since she moved in, I don’t know what to say to her. I’m at a loss for words, and it seems as though she is as well.
“What were you thinking?” I finally say, my tone sharper than I intend. Claire just shrugs –avoiding eye contact with me– and when I take a step towards her, she flinches. “You try to make a move on me, and then when I don’t want you, you come up here and fuck him?” The words come out before I can stop them, and regret pools in my stomach the moment she looks into my eyes. Apparently I’m a fucking masochist though because I just dig the knife deeper, “was he a good fuck at least?”
“That’s not what happened,” she whispers.
I beat myself up for being such an idiot. Of course she doesn’t actually want me, and I’m stupid for thinking otherwise. I was just another fuck to her, easily replaced. “You drive me fucking crazy, you know that? After that kiss in the living room I was starting to think that maybe-” the words stop short on my tongue, refusing to be spoken while I stand here and stare at her.
“Say it” she says, looking up at me with wide, hopeful eyes.
“Nathan Thomas is a piece of shit, he was awful when we were kids and he’s awful now. Did you know he broke Blair’s leg on purpose a couple years ago? Almost took him out of the game for good.” Shaking my head, I start to back out of the room, “don’t come home tonight. I can’t look at you.” Her eyes start to water again, and just as I’m rounding the corner… sobs echo against the walls.
twenty-eight
CLAIRE
The room is dark, the only light is the gentle glow coming from my laptop. My phone is laying, untouched, on the floor somewhere. I haven’t checked it since I threw it across my room a couple days ago.
Chris and Tash have tried to talk to me, tried to figure out why I so desperately needed to come to their house in the middle of the night without warning, but I don’t know how to tell them.
I would do anything for the people that I love, but it has become very clear —like a slap to the face— that they wouldn’t do anything for me. Lucas didn’t eventryto hear me out, he just attacked me and accused me of something I would never do. I didn’t even know who Nathan was to them, I had no clue there was a monster hiding under that gorgeous exterior.
My friends turned their backs on me, they all left me there at that party, alone and afraid to sort through the rubble by myself. I figured Lucas would leave, but Miller didn’t even stay to make sure I was okay.
It’s been five days since that night, five days since I left this room, and five days since I’ve spoken to another human being. I haven’t eaten, I feel too sick for that, every time I think I’m getting better I get hit with another wave of nausea and run to the bathroom to puke.
I scrubbed my body so hard that night it made my skin bleed, and I’ve showered more times that I can count since then. I can’t shake this feeling that I’m dirty, that I’m tainted and gross.
Nathan blew up my phone that night, how he got my number I don’t know, but Idoknow that the things he had to say were nasty and heartless.
There’s a light knock on my door, and without turning around I can tell that it’s Chris. Tash wouldn’t just walk in, she would wait for me to invite her, Chris knows he can get away with it. The bed shifts behind me as he sits, and the moment he wraps his arms around me I fall apart.
I hate the feeling of another person's hands on me. I can’t do it, all I can think about is the burning path Nathan’s fingertips left on my skin. The permanent, unseen scars that will forever haunt me.
