Right now, that endless logic is terrorizing my headspace.
So many fears, concerns, worries line my thoughts; bouncing one to the next, an endless stream of new terrifying ideas inundating my consciousness.
You’re being unfair to him.He’s treated you well. Giving up on him because your love life isn’t as spicy as you wish it were? Shallow. Imagine if a guy did that to you? You would write him off as a total asshole! What makes you any different?
You are intimately intertwined with one another, in every aspect of life.Assets. Living spaces. Belongings. Shared accounts. The logistics alone would be anightmare, to say nothing of the emotional side of things.
What if my future without David is a future without anyone?Just a black hole of an existence outside the office, without passion, or romance, or love. My career is my number one, and I appreciate my friendship with Chrissy, but those things can’t filleveryneed in my life.
Remember all those years before?Alone? Unwanted? Absolutely nothing going for you but your career? Nothing but your showerhead to remind you that you’re a woman who’s got needs. You’ll feel like thatforeverif you go down this path.
You think you’re going to be more desirable now, as heavy as you’ve ever been, in your thirties?You’re not some MILF Matt Rife wants to make him snacks after they bang it out. You don’t have an ex-husband or kids to show for all the years you invested with him. Just wasted time. Your best years behind you, with nothing but uncertainty and regret after all of it. You’ve got nothing going for you. You’ll just be a reject, a perpetual spinster, the girl who had a wonderful man, a long-term relationship that she threw away on a pipe dream launched by a thousand fantasies.
My head is being cruel to him, to me, to all of us right now.
But a part of meknowsthere’s a reason I rejected his proposal. A reason I haven’t been able to commit to forever with him, a reason my biological clock is ticking, yet I refuse to miss a pill, despite having always wanted kids, being in a stable relationshipandin a financial position where we could welcome children if I were willing.
There are things I’ve longed to experience with another, yearned for, almost a sexual bucket list of sorts, that’s gone unfulfilled.
An all-night sex marathon.
An all-weekendsex marathon.
Multiple, continual orgasms, at least once, just to know what it’s like.
Regular orgasms, period.
A vaginal orgasm, just once.
Sex outside of our home.
Feeling that animalisticneedfrom my man, like my body is the one and only thing that will do it for him, at least once.
With these things incomplete, I’ve felt unable to “move past” my youth, even though biologically I amwellpast it. But I had these ideas, these expectations, things I wanted for myself, and I think I’m hung up on never having had them. They could all be ticked off in a single week, if David would justtry. I’m not even asking to experience squirting, for crying out loud. It’s notthathard of a list, is it?
But marriage? Kids? I still feel like I haven’t gotten to do the things I thought would come in the new stage of a relationship with my forever person. How can I commit to ending my life as I know it, closing my window for raw need and carnal passion at any hour of the day, to dedicate my next twenty years to the total well-being of new lives I brought into this world if I feel likeIhaven’t even lived yet?
I can’t.
But if David will never be those things for me…how important is that part of me, that side of my psyche, that sliver of my soul that pangs for passion? Fevers for fervor? Some other alliteration that describes my ails?
For all of the logic I’ve applied to the two of us…it hasn’t resulted in everything I’ve dreamed of. And I have to wonder if I’m missing some key ingredient to the perfect relationship, to total happiness.
My head, my entire world, is absolutelyrockedwith the thought.
What if setting your mind to it, making the choice to love someone,isn’tenough?
What if there’s some other component, some other, necessary factor I’ve never been aware of—biological, emotional, or mental—that’s just missing entirely in my relationship?
ELEVEN
ELLIE
One thing I love about being a planner, a thinker, a worrier, is that you’re never surprised. Whatever happens, you’ve got a path through it, a way to the other side. You just need to activate it. And more often than not, all those backup plans I come up with aren’t even needed. Things end up just going how they should more than my brain thinks they will, and I give the credit to my preparation. Maybe there’s something to all that preparedness the Scouts were always preaching about.
So all that thinking, worrying, about what might be happening between David and I, and would you believe it? It was much ado about nothing! Saturday night, he took me out for a romantic night on the town.
A wine bar, called Sipsy, where we sampled a couple of flights of unique vino. We ended up running into one of the senior partners of David’s equity firm and his wife, which meant we were more or less trapped for an hour in small talk with near-octogenarians (David was in his element and I let him shine, I could hardly find a couple of lines to throw into the conversation), but it was still nice.
