My spine stiffens at the unspoken insinuation there, warning bells and some high-tech alarm going off in my head. “I’vebeenhappy. Maybe a little extra happy lately, sure, but I’ve been happy this whole time.”
“Well, you weren’t exactly happy withmefor a while there. I just mean I’m glad we’re past that.” He wraps an arm around the indent of my waist, the smallest part of my never-quite-hourglass figure, and presses a kiss to the side of my head, unaware of the shattering happening inside my chest right now.
“Past…me telling you that I need you to prioritize my needs and wants in our relationship the way I do yours?”
Danger, danger in the air. The dry static electricity present before a storm erupts. He senses it, but too late for the warning to be of any use to him. He steps back from me, putting a few feet between his button-down-and-slacks clad body and mine, dressed in the usual attire of a modest, classic dress and heels.
He sighs heavily, shutting his eyes and clenching a fist at his side. “Ellie, it was a simple comment. It’s good to see you happy, okay? Can we leave it at that?”
With less than five minutes until I leave for work, I’m not sure there could be much of a worse time to add the vinegar to this baking soda, make that homemade volcano explode, but there’s no un-pouring and recapping that vinegar, baby. Here comes the lava.
“It wasn’t a simple comment, David. It was you assuming that when I opened up and shared things with you that were important to me, things I thought we were working on together, that I didn’t know what I wanted. That I was being silly, or impractical, or unreasonable. That you thought this was just some storm that was going to blow over, and you’re showing me that my priorities aren’t valid to you. You didn’t take them seriously. That you’re the only one in this relationship whose ideas on sex and romance matter.”
He cracks his head from side to side, looking like he doesn’t have the time or the patience for this. Like a headache is brewing from my words alone, and he’s not alone in that sentiment.
“Ellie, it’s a huge day for me today. Can we not do this right now? I didn’t mean it like that. Let me get through today, end off this week, and tomorrow night, we’ll do something special for the two of us. Okay?”
Tomorrow night. Saturday night. You know what that means by this point.
The voice inside my head is nothing but sarcasm right now. There’s some of that spontaneity, the uncontrollable need for one another, that romantic sentiment I was so desperate for.Not.But I convince myself not to be so salty. To simmer down. Let us both get our headspace right, see what tomorrow brings before I jump to any more conclusions.
I nod at him, giving him a tight smile, grab a lunch at random (not even caring if it’s one of the grosser ones in my haste), spin on my heel and fly out the door.
And for the first time, I really consider what my future looks like if David and I can’t get aligned on this…matter.
How big of a deal is this to me? Is a mediocre sex life something I can live with? Will I wake up in five more years regretting not making a change? Ten years? Twenty?
Losing everything you’ve built with another person in your thirties is a nearly unbearable thought. But what if this feeling inside me only grows as the years pass me by? Could I have the balls to go through with a massive life change in my forties? Fifties?
And how much would it hurt David, if I waited to make a change that I’m starting to fear is inevitable? Would that be cruelly unfair to him? What would his prospects be then, versus now?
Would I even be able tofindwhat I’m looking for, in any decade, no matter when (if, I meant if) I made that change?
A man whogetsyou, supports you, has similar tastes, loves spending time together, who also worshipsandturns you inside out in the best possible way seems like a lot to ask for. From what my single colleagues and acquaintances share, it sounds like wishing for a unicorn—and not just any unicorn, but one with an iridescent horn and golden hooves that has lifetime access codes to purchasing Taylor Swift tickets.
I have so many of these things with him already.
It feels extremely selfish, idealistic—even petty—to jeopardize it all for that little remaining sliver of perfection.
Based on the stories I’ve heard, the golden-hoofed sparkle-corn doesn’t exist. Even Chrissy’s relationship isn’t perfect, despite the countless orgasms she regales me with against my will.
Surely all thatgoodbetween David and I outweighs the little bits that aren’t a ten out of ten.
And if I allow myself to think even beyond that, play devil’s advocate here… Aside from the parameters of our relationship, if I were to strike out on my own… What would a world with a single Ellie, starting fresh, even look like?
Terror pits in my stomach, where nausea builds at the thought.
Splitting assets. Finding another place to stay.Don’t even think about the hassles of moving.Aching loneliness. An empty bed each night. A hollow future, no one by my side. Traumatically terrible Tinder dates.
All for what? The minusculechancethat my dream is out there, waiting for me to catch it someday?
Listen, I know there are a lot of women out there who enjoy being on their own, who aren’t looking for a relationship and love living the single life. I’m just not one of them. If I were? There probably wouldn’t even be a decision to be made here. But me? I’m meant for snuggles, and cuddles, and sharing my love I have to give. I’ve done life both ways—single and with a partner—and I think I’m my favorite version of myself when I’m with the right person. I’m just really starting to doubt whether Davidisthat person.
Am I supposed to believe there’soneperson out there that hits every single point I’m looking for? A one hundred percent match, utter and complete compatibility? Of course not.
I’m of the belief that every one of us has a lot of good in us, and some other stuff that’s not so good. But if you can find the person whose good lines up with yours, where you bring out more of that in one another…you help mitigate the less good bits, and you commit to building a life together, a future… I really think you can intentionally create love between two people who share enough of the right interests, life experiences, or viewpoints. That’s what David and I have done.
Let’s say my hypothetical perfect mate does exist, what’s to say he’s not in Qatar, or Madagascar, or Tasmania? I’ve never felt that uncontrollable lust, that instant need to fuck someone based on a single look from across a crowded room. I’m not convinced I have whatever that reaction is in my DNA. For me, love is something that comes with time. Built on affection, respect, understanding. Love is a choice we make daily, consciously, intentionally, to care about another more than we care about ourselves. Like anything in life, it can be explained with logic.
