“May I join you?”
Elise glanced up to find Vivien Manning standing beside her. She was wearing a shocking gown with a gauzy top that left very little to the imagination. Yet she somehow she still managed a cool sophistication that Elise envied.
“Certainly,” Elise said, motioning the chair beside her. “I would appreciate the company.”
Vivien settled into the chair and looked around her with a sigh. “We are a busy group tonight.”
“You always seem to be. That must give you pleasure.”
“It gives me money,” Vivien said with a small, rather sad smile. “Though I do enjoy many of the games played here.”
“Did you always?”
Vivien shot her a side glance. “No,” she admitted. “When I first became a mistress, it wasn’t easy. It got better as time went on and I found protectors who were kind and patient.”
Elise nodded slowly. “I sincerely hope for the same. It would make this easier.”
“Still, it helps to know what you want,” Vivien said, leaning in.
A vision of Lucien rose up in Elise’s mind. Not just Lucien as she’d had him lately, angry and passionate, but the person she’d known as a girl. The one she’d loved for so long she could hardly recall a time when she hadn’t. The Lucien who had once whispered how deeply he loved her and wanted her in his life for the rest of his days.
She caught her breath. “I want independence and protection and—”
“You want him,” Vivien interrupted.
Elise stopped talking and tried not to look at the courtesan directly. “I don’t know what you’re talking about. There are manyhimsat present.”
“Then I shall be more specific. You want Stenfax,” Vivien said softly.
Elise bent her head. She had been fighting to be strong for so long. Fighting to deny what she felt in her heart so that it didn’t overwhelm her and send her into a dark place where she feared she’d never escape. She had been trying not to slip into despair as she considered a future she’d never have.
“He doesn’t want me,” she murmured.
Vivien let out a soft chuckle. “My billiard table would beg to differ.”
Heat filled Elise’s cheeks as she pictured that intense night with Lucien not so very long ago. She had no idea their joining had been so closely marked.
“I’m sorry,” she said.
Vivien covered her arm gently. “My dear, I was not seeking an apology. This place is meant for pleasure. Anyway and anywhere you can find it.”
Elise allowed herself to look at Vivien fully. “You have been doing this a long time now.”
Vivien nodded. “I have.”
“How do you keep from involving your emotions?”
Vivien’s expression suddenly darkened and her eyes grew sad for a brief moment. “Sometimes you don’t,” she whispered.
Elise stared at her, sensing there was a great deal more to this woman than perhaps she’d guessed. She shook her head. “ButImust,” she continued, leaving Vivien to her private emotions since she assumed the other woman would never share them. “With Stenfax especially because he can’t overlook his rage over what I did to him.”
“Have you ever told him why?” Vivien asked, her tone low and surprisingly gentle.
Elise shook her head. “I’ve thought of doing so a dozen times, but it feels cheap to do it now. It doesn’t change what I did. It would only bring him so much more pain. It would bring everyone much more pain.”
Vivien tilted her head. “You’re punishing yourself.”
Elise caught her breath. She’d never thought of it in those terms before, but now she recognized them as the absolute truth. “Perhaps,” she admitted. “Perhaps I deserve to suffer as I made him suffer.”
