She reached out and caught his hands with hers. “I would have told you that there were some nights during my marriage when jumping from a terrace to end the pain also appealed to me. That I understood the impulse because I’d felt it too.”
He drew back. He’d known how terrible Felicity’s marriage had been. Both he and Gray had tried to extract her from Viscount Barbridge’s clutches, but she was legally bound to him. They had seen her bruises, seen her brokenness, and been helpless to save her.
But to know she had considered the same bitter end he had was heart-wrenching.
“But you didn’t,” he said. “And I’m glad neither of us took that path.”
“As am I,” she whispered. “But now I’m terrified for you. I know you loved Elise. Truly loved her with all your heart. I know that losing her once was nearly unbearable. If you entangle yourself with her again, youknowit won’t work out.”
He shut his eyes. Yes, that was true. There was no happy end here. That washischoice now. Even if Elise drew him in like a moth to a dancing, beautiful flame.
“I know it won’t,” he admitted.
“And the closer you get, the more painful that end will be. I don’t want to see her tear you apart again. I don’t want to see her hurt you. To see you hurt yourself. So if I am harsh with you, that’s why. It’s out of fear. Fear for your safety and for your very life.”
“Felicity, I love you with all my heart for your concern,” he said, drawing her in to kiss her forehead and feeling her shudder at this massive display of emotion that she normally kept tucked tightly inside.
“Then tell me how to stop fearing what will happen to you,” she whispered.
He moved her to the settee and they sat together. He smiled at her even though it hurt. Everything hurt. She was making him face a truth, and a consequence, of these actions.
He sighed. “You must understand that things are different now. Part of why I was so devastated three years ago was that I believedEliseto be someone different. I know what she’s capable of now.”
He said those words, but the moment he did, he realized how little they rang true. He’d believed her to be no better than a demon for so long, but in the past few weeks since they’d been thrown into each other’s path again, he had seen no evidence of that. She hadn’t made any attempt to excuse what she’d done.
She’d just been…herself.
He shook his head and forced himself to continue, “I suppose I mean that I don’t have any expectations that we could be together, or that anything she says can be trusted. I won’t allow myself to be hurt. Not again.”
Felicity lifted her gaze to his. “You say that, Lucien, but the past has come back. You think you can control everything that comes along with it, but…”
“But?”
“You may not be able to.” She turned away. “I know if someone I loved and had lost suddenly resurfaced in my life, I would have a difficult time facing it.”
Lucien pinched his lips. Felicity hadn’t had any long-lost loves that he knew of, despite how her voice was filled with regret. But she made a good point. Emotions had been stirred now. He couldn’t pretend that there weren’t potential dangers to the line he had been walking.
“I’ll be careful,” he vowed. “I won’t let anything happen that I’ll lament later.”
“I hope that’s true, Lucien. I’ve lost too much in my life to fathom losing you.”
He squeezed her hand gently. “You won’t. I promise.” He pushed to his feet and drew her up with him. “Now, why don’t we go see if Mama wants to take a walk in the garden before I go? I know how she loves to show me her roses.”
Felicity nodded, but Stenfax still saw the hesitation in her gaze. The uncertainty and fear about his future and his choices. As he led her out of the room, he couldn’t blame her.
In truth, he was beginning to feel the same way about what he was doing with Elise. And he wondered if he would survive unscathed and unchanged when he finally found the strength to walk away.
Chapter Nine
Elise sat at a table in the far corner of Vivien’s club, staring at the room around her. The scene was still shocking, but the more times she returned to this place, the less shocked she found herself feeling. Watching the others engage in their erotic games was sometimes embarrassing, but sometimes titillating. And sometimes she didn’t even notice them at all.
She supposed it was good she was becoming accustomed to such things. There was no use in being naïve anymore. She had to commit fully to this endeavor at last. Ambrose’s scene after the ball just two nights ago had proven that to be true.
She cast her gaze around the room one more time, but this time she wasn’t looking at naked flesh and grinding motions. No, this time she looked at faces, especially the faces of the women in the crowd. Many looked happy, aroused, totally engaged in whatever they were doing and whoever they were with.
Others, though, had a hollow look to them. An emptiness.
Elise frowned. She would be one of the empty ones. That much was becoming very clear.
