He shrugs at Senna.
I’m in the beautiful country of Japan, but all I saw before I came to the track were the walls of my hotel room, which closed in on me with each gasping breath. Now when I breathe, it’s like I’m sucking in every germ and virus. Beingaround all these people could kill me. I can’t do this. I hold my chest, clawing at my overalls.
Vomit climbs my throat as I stare at my helmet that Connor’s trainer tries to pass it to me.
“Are you unwell?” he asks. “There are a couple of bugs going around. My little girl had one before I flew out. Kids, eh?”
I gag as I study where he grips my helmet. Sweat collects in the curls of my hair peeking from under my cap.
I need sanitiser and my Belle bracelet.
My body trembles, my vision blurring.
“What can I do?” Senna asks.
“I can’t—my bag,” I stutter.
Everyone’s staring now. People will talk about how I used to be something and now I’m nothing. I remember how Scott, Billy’s brother, spoke about me. I’ll never be the man I was. My face burns, and I panic it’s not fear but illness. I was close to Connor’s trainer. I might’ve picked up his daughter’s bug.
Senna pushes my bag at me, and I grab the bracelet. I ignore her confusion and curiosity. My phone rings. I answer because it’s Rosie.
“Sorry, I should’ve called earlier, but extracting myself from my mum took a while, and Tabi was a little difficult when we got home. I’ve just got to bed.”
I choke a reply, but no words come out.
“Niki?” Her voice wavers. “Niki?”
But I still can’t speak.
“Speak to me, please. I need to hear you.”
Senna reaches for the phone, but I walk away.
“I can’t do this,” I gasp as tears roll down my cheeks. “I can’t drive the car. I’m not ready.”
“Then don’t,” Rosie replies. “You’re in control of this decision. It’s a practice session. No one will die if you don’t drive it, but your panic will destroy all your hard work.”
“But I’ll let people down.”
“Sir, take control. This is your decision.” The authority and her use of the wordsirsilence me. It reminds me I have some control. “Do you want to do this?”
I take a deep breath and wipe my tears away. “No. Not now.”
“Explain to Senna you’re not well. Go to your hotel and do whatever you need to make you feel in control. Call your counsellor. He made sure he’s available. And tomorrow, call me before you leave, because you’ll want to hide and not return to the track. But you will return, and do you know why?”
I shove everything in my bag. “Why?”
“Because you’ve advised the team before, and it’s where you excel. The team needs you, and I need to hear how it goes when you’re back in the office. You can control the environment when you’re advising. You’ll drive professionally again, but not today, and that’s okay.”
I’m taking deeper breaths now. My chest isn’t as tight. I squeeze the sanitiser bottle and breathe in the vanilla scent. My pulse slows.
“Okay. Hold on one second. Don’t go anywhere,” I say before turning to Senna. “I’m sorry. I’m not well. But I’ll be back for qualifying tomorrow. I’m sorry for letting you down.”
She shakes her head. “You haven’t let me down. Go to your hotel and rest. Do you want someone to drive you?”
“No. I want to drive myself.”
Her brows furrow, but before she asks questions, I stride out of the garage, avoiding eye contact with the team. “Thank you, Rosie. I’m leaving the track. I’ll call my counsellor as soon as I arrive at the hotel. You should get to bed. It’s the middle of the night there.”
