“No. She’s not coming yet, but when she does, there's gonna be something wrong.”
“Baby, what's got you thinkin’ that? We saw the midwife today, and she said everything's great.” I speak softly, hoping to reassure her.
“Well, she got it wrong, because it’s not. It can’t be.”
“Alicia, what's making you think there’s something wrong?” I can see her starting to build into a panic again, and I have to keep her calm.
“Because I deserve to be punished. I deserve to be punished for what I did, and this is how it’s gonna happen. I can sense it, Vike.” Her eyes are so desperate and scared that I wrap her up in my arms and hold her as tight to me as I can get her.
“You’ve done nothing wrong, Alicia, you're not gonna be punished,” I whisper.
“You don’t know, Vike. You don’t know what I did.” She shakes her head. “If you knew the truth, you’d hate me; just like they do.” The way she sobs so helplessly breaks my heart.
“Alicia, I could never hate you. Just calm down. Everything's gonna be okay, I promise.”
“No, it’s not! And it’s all my fault. My baby doesn’t deserve this.”
“Darlin’, nothin’ is gonna happen to your baby.”
“I’m not supposed to be happy; not after what I did.” Her breathing starts getting faster. “You don’t know Vike. You can’t tell me it’s all gonna be okay when you don’t know.”
“Idoknow,” I confess, staring deep into her eyes and letting her know that it makes no difference to how I feel. I’ve known Alicia’s secret for years, and it’s never made my opinion of her change.
“No, you don’t. You're just trying to make me feel better.” She shakes her head and starts pulling herself away from me.
“I know everything. I know that you and Saul had another brother, and I know you killed him.” Keeping hold of her in my hands, I allow her to let that sink in. “I also know the reason you killed him was that you were protecting your friend.”
“What was I supposed to do? He wasrapingher. I was just trying to stop him. I never wanted to kill him.” Her voice comes out feeble. “It’s all my fault, Vike; she wouldn’t have been there if it wasn’t for me.”
“Alicia, you have to stop blaming yourself,” I tell her firmly.
“But I killed my own brother.” She’s got such a helpless look on her face that I struggle to find words.
“Youaccidentallykilled a rapist while protecting an innocent girl,” I remind her.
“How long have you known?” She snuffles.
“Since you and Saul first came to town. He needed to confide in someone, and he trusted me.”
“All this time you’ve known, and you never said.” She frowns.
“I knew you didn’t like to talk about it, and any time I’ve ever spent with you, I’ve wanted to see you smiling,” I admit. I may not have been open to my feelings about Alicia until after Saul died, but deep down they’ve always fuckin’ been there. I just refused to accept it.
“My parents hate me. Saul was the only person who understood, and he had to get rid of his own brother's body because of me.”
“Yeah, and he’d have done it a thousand times over if he had to, because he loved you and he knew none of what happened was your fault. It was a horrible accident.”
“He reset his whole life. Left his home, left our parents, and all because they couldn’t stand to look at me.”
“And he never had a single regret,” I tell her, stroking back her hair. “Your parents aren’t able to face up to the fact their son did what he did; it’s easier for them to blame you for takinghim away than it is for them to accept that your friend probably wasn’t the only girl he’d hurt. Saul knew what kind of person he was.”
“I’m going to hell.”
“No, you ain’t, and this little girl is going to be perfect,” I tell her again. “They may not be prepared to admit it, but your parents know that you did the right thing…Why do you think they agreed never to go to the cops, to let Saul fix the problem, and have spent years pretending he’s been missing? If an investigation had been opened, your friend would have testified, and the world would know the truth.”
“If they think I did the right thing, why can’t my own mother stand to look at me?” she asks, sounding heartbroken.
“I don’t know, Alicia, grief does crazy shit to us,” I admit, closing my eyes and seeing all those pale faces again.
