“What are you talking about, Vike?” She grips me tighter, and I shake my head.
“It don't matter; what matters is that I know everything about your past, and it makes no difference to how I feel. No one is gonna punish you, and your baby is gonna be fine.”
“Ourbaby.” She takes my hand and places it over her stomach. “We’re so lucky to have you. I’m just so terrified that all this happiness I’m feeling is gonna be snatched away. Promise me you won’t let it.”
“I promise.” I smile at her, despite her words haunting me. She’s right about one thing: all this happiness does seem too good to be true, but if it’s ever gonna be snatched away, it’ll be punishment formysins, not hers.
“Please, Peyton, this one's gonna be a bad one. Raze would want us all to be together.” Eden pleads with me, looking desperate, but I still shake my head. “I know you're sad and hurting. I’m feeling exactly the same, but secluding yourself like this isn’t doing you any good.”
I’m not denying that Eden is hurting. She loves Raze; he’s her brother. But she still has Wrath to comfort her; she’s got a whole future to look forward to. While I have nothing.
Raze was my future; he was my entire world, and not knowing where he is or if he's ever coming back is torture.
“You're not gonna change my mind, Eden. I’m staying here. What the fuck is a storm gonna do to me that's worse than him not being here?” I’m starting to feel numb inside. I’m all cried out of tears, and I can’t stand the pity on everyone's faces when they look at me. The club is divided on their opinion; half of them think Raze has left us, the other half are convinced he’s dead, and I feel awful for not knowing which of those options I’d prefer, right now.
“This hut isn’t the most sturdy of structures,” she points out, and I swear the doors are backing her argument when they violently rattle behind her from the wind.
“It’s survived plenty of storms before.” I stand up and move into the kitchen, taking a cigarette from the packet and sparking it.
“You're smoking now?” Eden stares at me in shock. “Peyton, what the fu–”
“It smells like him.” I suck on the tip but don’t fully draw back; doing that burns my lungs and makes me choke.
“Well, it’s bad for you.” She comes at me and snatches it from my hand, stubbing it out in the basin. “So is confining yourself like this. Come on, we’re going to the club.” She takes my hand, but I rip it away.
“No, I’m not! I’m not coming. I’m staying here. Nothing you can do or say is going to convince me, so will you please just leave me alone?” I yell at her, and when she looks so sad and turns on her heels, all I feel is relief. I cross the room to flop myself onto mine and Raze's bed. It’s been a month since he’s lain beside me, and I still can’t bring myself to change the sheets. There’s still that tiny hint of his cologne on them, and as I lie on his pillow and let my tears fall, the wind outside spirals around the hut, swirling like my emotions and making me feel like I’m on a fairground ride I want to get off
One second, I’m crying because I miss him, because the fear of anything happening to him makes me feel as if my heart is slowly being crushed. Next, I’m angry…so fucking angry at him for not being here; for letting me suffer all this time without knowing he’s okay. He asked me to say those things to him the night we had that fight. He begged me to blame him, and if all that is the reason he’s left me, and his club, then I could kill him myself for what he’s put me through.
A bolt of lightning flashes the room blue, and Reggie squawks, hopping onto the bottom of the bed and pecking at my feet. He’s missing Raze, too. I know he’s just a bird, but I seethat sadness in his eyes, and ever since Raze has been gone, his favourite place to perch has been my bedside table.
I jump when I hear a rapping noise coming from the glass doors, and knowing it’ll be someone else from the club, sent down here to try and convince me to go up and ride out the storm, I lie still and pretend to be asleep.
“Peyton…Peyton, please.” I hear the tiny voice and wonder if it’s just in my imagination. “Peyton…Peyton.” When it starts sounding more desperate, and the pounding on the glass gets louder, I sit up and see Leo standing at the door, drenched through to his skin, which makes me quickly get up and rush to the door so I can let him inside.
“Leo, what are you doin’ here?” I hug his cold, shivering body close to mine. “You're freezing, and you're wet; you should be at home.” I grab the blanket from the couch and wrap it around his shoulders, rubbing him vigorously to warm up his shaking body.
“That place ain’t my home,” he tells me.
“Isn’t…” I correct him. He may not have been here that long, but he sure as hell picked up on the way Raze and his brothers talk.
“Are you okay? Have they mistreated you?” I check, ready to pound down the doors of child services if they’ve let someone else hurt this child. Leo never told me or Raze what happened to him, or who he was running from...But I could sense it was something dark, and I was assured he’d be safe and well taken care of by child services.
“They’re nice.” He shrugs sadly, as I sit him on the couch and crouch in front of him so he can explain. “I just miss you and Raze, I want to be here with you...you promise?—”
“I know what I promised, and I tried. Jesus. God, I tried.” I have to hold back my tears and be strong, but having him here in front of me makes it feel impossible.
“You didn’t visit. I was scared you didn’t like me anymore.” Leo lowers his eyes to his lap, as if he’s done something wrong.
“You mustneverthink that. I love you, we both do. We’ve…I’ve just been dealing with something.” I can’t bring myself to break it to this little boy that no one knows where Raze is. The two of them made a bond in such a short time,
“I miss you,” he tells me sadly. “The other family is nice, but it’s boring there and they ain’t…theyisn’tyou and Raze,” he tells me, breaking my heart.
“Oh, Leo, I wish things could be different, and I love it that you’ve come to see me, but you being here is gonna get me into trouble. I have to call child services and let them know you're okay.”
“No.” He shakes his head. “Please, don’t. Can I not just stay here?”
“Sweetheart, there’s a storm outside, and the family you're living with will know you’re missing; they’ll be worried.” I try to make him understand, all while wanting to wrap him up in my arms and never let him go.
