“What do you want from me, Ever?”
She jerks her head back like I slapped her. “You know what? Nothing. I’m done with this shit.” She stalks to the closet, yanks jeans off a hanger and wrenches them up her legs. Leaving them unzipped, shejerks a hoodie off a hanger next and pulls it over her head, punches her arms through the sleeves and stalks past me out the bedroom door.
I’m getting what I want. Why can’t I let her go?Let her go. Don’t do it.“Ever?” Her footsteps pound down the stairs. By the time I hit the bottom step, she’s at the front door pulling on her kicks. “Ever.”
She stops her reach for her phone and keys.
“What, Julian? What do you have to say now?” Her eyes are charcoal and swimming with unshed tears. I almost take it all back. One tear falls. She swipes it away. “More lies?”
Find your balls. Let her go.“Just be careful tonight.”
“Hmph. Fuck you, Julian.” With that, she jerks the door open, marches through it and slams it, shaking the windows. She didn’t take the keys to the 4Runner. She’ll run to the marina. Running will help. It’s her thing.
I head into the home gym. I plan to beat the absolute shit out of the heavy bag until I can’t move. I crank my angry playlist, heavy with Eminem, Linkin Park and Muse, and get to work. That I picture beating the shit out of my despicable excuse for a parent while I swing and kick makes me angrier. I shouldn’t want to beat the shit out of the people who raised me. I shouldn’t want to pummel his face until it’s unrecognizable. Tears sting my eyes as I continue to pulverize my knuckles. I purposely left them untaped, relishing that pain to the searing hole in my chest. My grunts turn to sobs but still I strike the bag with fists and feet until I stumble with fatigue and collapse on the padded floor, music and sorrow echoing off the walls. I feel like that powerless little boy in that dirty trailer park, not in control of my own life.I could be, a voice whispers in my head. I ignore it.Let her go.
Ever doesn’t come home tonight. I know this isn’t her home anymore, but it has been while Lilly and Noah are here. I figure she’s with Lilly—hopefully enjoying herself. I don’t check her location, though my fingers itch to. It’s New Year’s Eve. We should be celebrating together and looking forward to all the incredible things in store for us in the year to come. Instead I’m lying on my bed in the dark staring at the clock wondering what my life looks like without her in it.
It’s for the best. She deserves a good life, with a good guy.
My stomach pitches on the image of her with another guy, his hands on her. I snag my phone off the charger and swipe the screen, intending to check her location. The picture on screen is of the two of us squaring off—my favorite. Auz sent it to me after our last content filming weekend. I drag my finger over the image. In it, Ever is strong, confident, fierce. And happy. The memory is enough to make me put the phone back on the charger and stare at the screen again, watching the minutes tick into the new year.
Once it strikes midnight, I roll onto my back and stare up at the ceiling. I can be alone, should be alone. No one else deserves to be dragged into the mess of my bloodline—especially her. She deserves every good thing this life can give her. The one thing I can give her is my absence. And I will. Tapping my chest to ease the rising panic, I force a shaky breath through my pursed lips. A rogue tear slides along my temple and into my ear. I let it fall unchecked. It won’t be like it was with Taya. Ever is still alive and well. I’m not sure that mourning the loss of someone who is still on the planet is better or worse for the one who’s lost them. I’m about to find out.
Chapter 14
Everly
As I release my floating lantern, I reflect on my wishes and realize they’re all for him. I take a second lantern and make myself wish formyfuture,mydreams and new beginnings. I visualize what I need to let go of for those wishes and dreams to have space to become beginnings. Swiping at the tears that won’t stop, I tell myself that I can’t be the only one fighting for us. Fuck, it shouldn’t be a fight at all. Isn’t that what my dad always said?Ev, your person—the one you pick to do life with—should be the one who helps you through all the shit life throws at you. It shouldn’tbeone of the things life throws at you. Remember that.I was twelve, but I remember we were sitting in the garage listening to Guns N’ Roses. He would sit and tell me stories or give me advice. It was almost like he knew he wouldn’t always be around to do it. I watch the lanterns float away and dissolve in the inky water.I have to let him go.My mind stills on that realization.
“Hey, love. Sending off some good wishes?” Lilly plants her butt in the sand next to me.
“Hey, Lill. Yeah. Ithink so.” I side-bump her as she drops her arm across my shoulders. That I’m not freaking out is my proof that I’m on the right path. That’s what I’m telling myself anyway. Guilt weighs on me that the last thing I said to him was “fuck you,” but under the circumstances thatwasmy restraint. I’m not sure I’ve ever been so angry. Now I’m just contemplative and weirdly calm. As if my psyche is calling me out as a liar, a sob bubbles up my throat and escapes my lips.
“Oh, honey, tell me what’s happening”—her embrace tightens—“and who we’re burying.”
I sniff, and on a watery laugh, I assure her, “No one.” I shake my head side to side. “No one. I just . . .” I turn into her as the dam breaks. “I can’t save him, Lill. I can’t reach him anymore. I have to let him go.”
“Shhh, okay.” She wraps both arms around me and pets my hair. “It’s okay, Ever. I’m here. What can I do?”
What she does is hug me while I cry so hard and so long I feel lethargic after, but also more resolved than ever.
One thing I’m damn sure of is I’m not going to beg him to love me, to be with me. Now that my mind is made up, I’m anxious to get started. After I walk Lilly through the nightmare myperfectrelationship has become, I feel lighter, determined and maybe a little angry still underneath it all. My exhilaration and resolve are usurping my sadness, at least for the moment. “Any chance you guys are heading back to SLO early?”
“Yeah, maybe. Seth is having ocean withdrawal. Honestly, so am I. It’s addictive. You must want your apartment back, right? Considering . . .” She chuckles and bumps shoulders with me like when she first sat down, which feels like a lifetime ago but is mere minutes.
“Actually, I want a ride.”
***
Lilly’s right. The ocean is addictive. I can’t wait to feel the sand under my feet. They dropped me at the Oak Valley airport last night on their way back to San Luis. Lilly pushed back on leaving me in the airport on New Year’s Eve (or technically day) heartbroken and alone. Once I assured her I was able to get a flight and wouldn’t have to wait long, she gave in. I waited two hours for the next flight to Los Angeles in an almost empty airport. Just as I was about to board my plane, my phone buzzed in my pocket. A text from Julian. Adrenaline courses through my system. I don’t want to read it, but I know I will. I tap the screen as I walk down the Jetway.
Julian:I’m so sorry, Ever. I really do love you and want you to be safe.
I resist the urge to hurl my phone onto the ramp and instead tap his name to bring up his contact and hit block, close my phone, slide it into my back pocket and continue to board my flight. I swallow the emotion welling up in my chest and dig deep for the determination that brought me this far. A good therapist might say I’m projecting all my past turmoil onto this one situation, but I don’t care. I’ve taken enough shit off people to know I’m done doing it. Even if some lingering resentment from my past in Oak Valley is seeping into the current bullshit with Julian, so be it. I’m done letting my life be a dumpster fire. I cue up my angriest old-school rock playlist as loud as my ears can take through my earbuds and let myself wallow for the duration of the flight. When I land, I take a few deep breaths andmentally shake off the negative energy swirling around me. My new life starts now.
After the hour-and-a-half flight and waiting until a decent hour to text Sean, it’s now creeping into midmorning. I should be dragging from lack of sleep, but revenge goals are better than caffeine. I don’t want to think about what I’ll tell Allie and Ashley. I’m not going to lie, but I also don’t want to trash Julian. I’m not as mad anymore, just sad for what could’ve been. I’m also not delusional enough to think I’mover it.My compartmentalizing tendencies are probably just working overtime to protect my heart, and I’m letting it happen. I’d rather delude myself as long as possible or stay as busy as possible so I don’t have time to think, dwell or break down. I turned off my location for him during my wait at the OV airport. If he does check, he won’t find me.
“Do they know I’m coming?” I catch Sean’s eyes, in the mirror of the town car—Ashley’s faithful driver.
