It had pained me to feel the intensity of pleasure for a few minutes and then push away the very person I wanted most.
Everything I’d gone through in the past year had removed my tolerance for bullshitting myself: the injury that took me off the ice, ending my long-term relationship with Mira; taking on a coaching job to escape the worries about my future in the NHL.
I refused to treat Cade as less than the capable person he was, so I’d told him the truth about my feelings for him. I needed him to know that I couldn’t do something unless we both took the time to make sure it was the right decision, especially if he was just discovering a side of his sexuality he’d never explored before.
And if I’d left out how deep into this thing with him I already was, it was only because I didn’t want to pressure him into a relationship he may not be ready for.
The first step was hearing what he would say to my confession.
Across from me, Cade pressed his lips together, shifting his hold on the pillow now covering his entire midsection. His eyes appeared unfocused for a second or two, heightening my need to hear his reply.
His hand shook slightly as he traced the seams of the pillow, before tilting his head so his gaze met mine.
“You’re right,” he sighed. “I might not be able to define everything that I’m feeling. But it doesn’t mean I don’t know enough to want what we just did. I did want it.”
Cade’s eyes widened in his earnestness. It was fucking adorable. I wanted to drag him across to my bed and promise him everything he ever wanted.
“I do want it. I kissedyouif you recall,” he emphasized, as if I could forget the best ten minutes of my life right after they’d just happened. “But more than that, this thing between us. . .” Cade took one hand off the pillow to point at me and then himself. “It feels important to me in a way nothing else has. I feel the best when we’re together, especially when it’s just us alone. But even around the team, I trust you to look out for me.”
“Cade, thank you. . .” I wanted to add “sweetheart” so badly, but I’d seen how powerfully my giving him that nickname affected him before. So I left it alone.
He blinked as if I’d surprised him.
“I haven’t done anything! You’ve been the one encouraging me and helping me all this time. And even now, you’re looking out for my feelings, making sure I don’t do anything I don’t want to do.” He bit his lip. “I can’t even give you a label for what I amwhen you seem so sure of everything. I just know it felt right to hold on to you.”
“I definitely care about you a lot, Cade. But don’t go putting me on a pedestal. I want to throw out every responsible thought I have in my head and dive in with you. But you need to understand how many people would think this moment or anything else happening between us would be one hundred percent wrong. I’m partially responsible for the direction of your career over this season. The power imbalance between us is huge. This could cost you everything. You must see that?” I begged him with my eyes to see where I was coming from and not only hear my words as a rejection.
“WhatifIwanttoblowitallup?” he mumbled to the floor.
“Sorry, Cade. What did you say?”
He lifted his chin, his eyes unblinking as held my gaze.
“I said, what if I want to blow it all up? What if I want to stayfuck itand just have somethingIwant more than anything!” Cade’s volume increased with each word he spoke, unleashing a level of frustration that had to be about more than just me and him.
“Can you explain what you mean by that?” I asked carefully.
Cade thrust his hands into his hair, scratching his fingers through his red curls, making them even more wild.
“I fucking don’t want to play hockey anymore, okay?” He tightened his grip on his hair, his knuckles whitening in between the strands.
He could have punched me in the face, and I would have been less shocked than hear him say he didn’t want to play hockey. Semi-professional hockey was not something you did unless you were fully committed. Hell, the vast majority of people who wanted to play hockey more than they wanted to take their next breath didn’t even make it to Cade’s position.
While my brain struggled to catch up to the direction our conversation had taken, Cade stood and began pacing back and forth in the few feet of space the hotel room offered.
“Cade, can you come back and sit and tell me what’s going on please?” Each second that passed suggested that this was a huge issue for him. I didn’t want him to have a panic attack because he’d felt forced to share a secret that he’d carried around for what sounded like a long time.
Thankfully, the plea in my tone drew him back to the bed across from me where he plonked himself back down on the mattress, knocking a couple of pillows to the floor with his movements.
I didn’t want to make him talk to me if he really didn’t want to, but everything in me wanted him towantto let me in.
I let the silence settle between us, vowing not to break it unless it was to offer support for anything he said.
Shifting further back onto the mattress, he picked at the nonexistent lint on the comforter before looking at me again.
I offered him a small smile I hoped that he interpreted as my willingness to listen.
“Yeah. I’m sorry, Ash. I didn’t mean to lose it like that. It’s just. . .” His voice trailed off as he brought a hand up to gesture to the space around us. “None of this is my choice, you know?”
