“Do you not feel anything for me anymore?”
Masking the pain she’s causing, I say, “You’re the…”
“Mother of your child,” she cuts in. “Yeah, I get it. Don’t worry, you’ve made it perfectly clear where I stand now.” Inhaling deeply, she shakes what’s on her mind away and says, “Can you pass me the camera, I want to take a pictures while she’s asleep.”
And just like that, the conversation is done and she’s shutting down any pipe dreams she had for us. It’s for the best, if I can already see it’s for the best, she will eventually as well.
“Sure.”
Like the last ten minutes didn’t happen, she snaps pictures of Elsa-Marie on her own, me holding her, and in turn I take some of her holding our daughter.
I stay long enough for her to be fed, changed and laid down for the rest of the night before I grab my bag and kiss my daughter’s head softly.
“I’ll be back in the morning.”
For a brief moment I think she’ll ask me to stay. But she smiles genuinely, saying, “Okay, see you tomorrow, or later today I suppose.”
I go to kiss her on the top of her head but back off. There can’t be anymore soft tender moments between us. She may not be happy now, but she will in time, and I’ll do all I can to make sure I don’t confuse her further.
Ma and grandma are sat waiting in the living room, a pot of tea long gone cold and two empty cups sat on the coffee table.
“Your smile alone tells us everything is fine,” Ma beams.
“Yeah, I’m sorry I didn’t call or anything, I couldn’t pull myself away from her. I’ve got pictures on my phone.”
“Show us then,” she laughs, and I sit beside her on the couch.
I flick through the snaps I took, and she places her hand over her heart and coos, “She’s so tiny and beautiful.”
“Just like her mama,” I say.
“Not just like her, look…” she gets up and retrieves an album from the dresser.
She flips through the pages and there’s a picture of me as a baby in the hospital and I don’t look all that different from Elsa-Marie. She really is a part of me.
“Does she have a name?” Grandma asks.
“Elsa-Marie Madden. Elsa after Amelia’s grandma and Marie after you.”
“How lovely,” Ma beams and Grandma dabs at her eyes with her hanky.
“They’re both doing well and should be discharged later today or tomorrow. I’ll either take you over to Amelia’s or bring her over here so you can meet her.”
“I can’t wait. Finally, a little girl.” Mom grins.
She kisses my cheek and busies herself taking out the teapot and cups.
I move to kneel beside Grandma and let her have a closer look at the pictures. She stops me on the one of Amelia holding Elsa-Marie and takes the phone from me.
“Marry her.”
I’m glad she can’t see me rolling my eyes. I’d sure gain a slap to the back of my head.
“No marriage, Grandma.”
“You love her, you’re having a baby with her, you marry her.”
It’s so clear cut to her but still a black fucking cloud hanging over me.
