“Goddamn it, Nina! I’m trying to talk to you!”
I set the plate on the drying rack and turn to glare at him. “Whatthe fuck, Ollie? If you don’t want the stolen wineglasses, then you should’ve just said.”
Ollie rubs his hands over his face with a groan.
“What?” I know I’m being unreasonable, but I can’t stop myself. I don’t know why I do this, why I’m always doing the exact opposite of what IknowI should. I can’t outrun my problems forever, but it never stops me from trying.
He drops his hands from his face. “I can’t believe I thought things would be different this time. I thought we were past this.”
“Past what?”
“This,” he says, gesturing to me. “Our... in-between thing.”
“What are you talking about? Everyone knows we’re together.”
“They think we’re dating. They think I’m yourboyfriend, Nina. We haven’t even told Alex and Jo we’re married.”
“We haven’t seen them much lately.”
“Because you’ve been avoiding them! Why is that, Nina? I’ve never known you to avoid Jo, so it must have something to do with me.”
“No... Ollie... it’s not that.”
“Then what is it? What else can it possibly be? We can’t live in this apartment forever.”
“We just haven’t found the right house.”
“If you just fucking tell me what the right house looks like, I’ll move mountains to find it. I’ll build it myself if I have to.”
I don’t think it’s funny, but I laugh anyway. “I can’t explain it. I’ll know it when I see it.”
“Would you?”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Would you know the right thing if it were staring you in the face? Because I’m not so sure. I think you could be standing in your dream house and not see it because you’d keep your eyes shut just to avoid it.”
“That’s ridiculous.”
“Yeah, it is.”
When I meet his gaze and see the hurt in his eyes, I feel as if I’m somewhere else. It’s as if I’m watching a movie I’ve seen a thousand times. I know what happens next. I know the ending. But I don’t see how I can do a single thing to stop it.
I turn back to the sink and focus all my attention on finding the silverware at the bottom of the soapy water.
I can’t see Ollie, but I hear him sigh. “You said you wanted this... What’s really going on here, Nina?”
What’s going on is you’re freaking out, the voice in my head says, but I don’t say anything.
“I’m not trying to make you live a life you don’t want, Nina. But I am trying to think about our future, and I can’t get you to make a single decision. You say you love me. I believe you. But nothing’s changed. This is the same shite we always do. Anytime I bring up the future, you get upset.”
“I do not get upset!” I hurl the fistful of silverware in my hands back into the sink. When I look at Ollie, he has both eyebrows raised. “Well, now I’m upset! But only because you won’t leave me alone! I haven’t looked at houses because I don’t want to move. I haven’t told Jo and Alex we’re married because I don’t want them to know! And I didn’t tell you any of that because I knew you’d make it a big deal, and it’s not a big deal.”
We’re quiet as we glare at each other across the kitchen. I wonder if we’ll leave it at this. We should. Ollie should sigh and go to bed. I should tell him I’m too tired to talk and finish cleaning.
“I didn’t mean that,” I say.
Ollie shakes his head. “I think you did,” he says. “Here I’ve been thinking you can’t tell anyone about us because it’s this big thing. But really, it’s because this is nothing to you. Is that it? Too unimportant to tell your best friend?”
