“No,” I say. “No, that’s not true. I’m just...” But I don’t finish my sentence. I’m all out of excuses.
Ollie looks away from me and stares at something across the kitchen. I’m not sure what. “I love you,” he says. “But this isn’t being together.”
“Don’t be ridiculous. We’re together.” I abandon the rest of the dishes and dry my hands on my jeans as I walk over to him. “We sleep together every night. I’ve let you use my deodorant for the last two days, for crying out loud. How much more together can you get?” When I take his face in my hands, I feel the rough stubble beneath my palms. “What am I supposed to do? Literally carve my heart out of my chest and put it in your hands?”
Ollie looks down at me and takes my hands from his face. I’m hopeful for a moment that we can fix this, that he’ll keep my hands in his and know exactly what to say to prevent this conversation from blowing up. But he doesn’t say anything. He brings my hands down and lets them go.
“Ollie...” I say, but that’s all I’ve got. I have no idea what I’m doing.You’re fucking everything up, the voice in my head says.I know!I tell her.But I don’t know why. I don’t know how to stop.
Ollie rests the back of his head against the wall. “I didn’t want to do this.”
“Do what?”
“If there’s no future for us,” he says, “then I need to go.”
My entire body runs cold. “Go? Go where?”
He looks at me like I’m impossible. “Ireland. Like I’ve been saying for the last six months. I can’t keep doing this, Nina. Mum and Jack and the pub are a sure thing. They want me there. Fuck, theyneedme. I wantyou, Nina. But I can’t spend another ten years hoping you’ll want me too.”
“Show me the house by World Thrift,” I say.
“What?”
“Show it to me. We can look at it first thing Monday... and we’ll reschedule dinner with Jo and Alex. I just need a little more time. Not much.”
“How much?”
I haven’t really thought this through, but I’m desperate. “A week.”
“Can you honestly tell me you’ll be ready in a week?”
I fully intend to say anything I need in order to get us through this conversation, but when Ollie turns those blue eyes on mine, eyes that have seen so much hurt, I can’t say anything but the truth. “I... well, I can’tknowwith one hundred percent certainty, but I can try.”
“I need one hundred percent certainty.”
“Oliver, nothing is one hundred percent certain.”
“The pub is. Don’t keep me here if you can’t do this. Please.”
I can’t say anything. His expression makes it hard enough to breathe.
“Can you promise me things will be different?” he says.
“I told you... I cantryto be different, but—”
“Okay.” Ollie looks like he wants to say more, but he only clears his throat and nods. He steps away from me and leaves the kitchen. For a moment, I’m unable to move. But then I’m in motion again, my heart beating so loud I can hardly hear my own thoughts as I follow him down the hall to our room. I stand in the doorway, feeling more helpless than I ever have in my entire life as I watch him pull his shamrock-green suitcase from beneath the bed.
“You’re... leaving now?” I say.
Ollie doesn’t look at me when he sets the suitcase on the bed and flips the top open. “I’m gonna stay on the boat until I can catch a flight.”
“Ollie, come on. Let’s just sleep on this.”
I step into the room, but he shakes his head and turns away from me to grab his clothes from the closet. “I need to leave now.” Hedoesn’t look at me as he dumps the clothes into the suitcase. “It’s too hard, Nina.”
I don’t know what to do. I’m torn between begging him not to leave and letting him go. I have no idea what the right thing is, which of my shitty options would end up hurting him more.
So I say nothing.
