Admitting it to myself feels… strange. I never knew what the feelings were that sparked in me the moment I laid eyes on Janelle, but now there’s a deep and unyielding sense ofknowing.But I do love her – so fucking much.
“I want to leave,” she says, yanking on my heart. I wish telling her my feelings was easy for me. I wish I could just jump out and say that I loved her with no fears attached to it. Given all that Janelle has been through, it doesn’t seem fair somehow. And while I love her so damn much… I can’t force her to share my feelings.
It’s too soon for her, maybe. And I’m all alone out here with the way I feel. That’s how it seems, at least.
“Janelle. Please. Can we just talk in the morning?”
“I want to talk now,” she says.
I take my shirt off and climb into bed. She glares at me and turns around to face me – more like to glare at me with all the force of her fury. She doesn’t understand how much my body hurts and how badly I just want to sleep.
There’s nothing I can say tonight that would change the situation between us. The situation being my impossible attraction to her that I have to force myself not to act on every single day just to keep us both steady.
Maybe this will be easier to explain to her when the job is done.
“I hate you, Zeb,” she hisses at me. “I hope you know that. I wish I had just gone to prison instead of following a stubborn, rude, secretive asshole across the country where he might traffic me anyways.”
I don’t respond. She makes a frustrated grunting sound and then climbs into bed next to me, surprising me entirely by not attacking me once she’s next to me in bed. I suppose I lucked out there.
Her body feels warm next to mine. I know she’s pissed off, but I’m not skilled enough with women’s feelings to know the right things to say to make it go away.
“I don’t mind if you hate me.”
“I don’t need your permission,” she hisses, turning on her side to face me. I turn over to face her too, but mostly to look into her eyes. I’m too tired to care if she’s pissed off. I could probably easily fall asleep with her hitting me or spitting on me or whatever it is she wants to do from this position under the covers. I’m too smart to reach over and pull her closer to me while she fights, although the temptation comes to me.
“Good. Then hate me. But I swear, I never meant to do anything in the world but help you out, Janelle.”
“You are such a liar.”
“Am I?”
“You like killing, Zeb. I don’t think you’ll admit it to me right now, but I know there is a part of you that enjoys killing and that’s why you’re scared of letting me in. You don’t want me to know that this little biker club is more than a group of ex-military friends.”
Did I ever say it wasn’t? I grew up admiring the club. I grew up desperately wanting to be a part of the club that made Gideon Blackwood such an impressive force of nature to me. I looked up to Ruger too, especially since he was the one closest to me growing up and the most vicious person I knew. I wanted someof that viciousness for myself to make it easier on me being a skinny kid with big teeth and big ears that stuck out. They’re not so bad now, but back then I got teased a lot and looked up to the older men in my family for being crazy motherfuckers who could defend themselves and make people fear them.
“I don’t know what you want from me, Janelle. I want to respect you, that’s all. I want to protect you. That’s all I’ve ever wanted since we’ve met.”
“What does that mean, Zeb?”
“It means…” I can’t say anything out loud. It feels too real. And given everything Janelle has shown me, I know if I tell her my true feelings, I will scare her away. I don’t want her taking off like a bat out of hell. Especially not since the Texas heat would probably kill her eventually. My fingers move to her lips.
I expect her to bite my finger off, but she lets me touch her lips. I can’t stop myself. I put my thumb into her mouth and feel the inside a little bit.
“It means…”
I move closer to her so I can smell her skin. I can feel her desire for me. I know it’s there despite the way she fights me. This asshole who cheated on her must have broken her heart. At some point, I’ll have to take care of that and make sure she understands what happens to anybody who hurt her. The distance between us shrinks. My breath comes out slowly and I just have todo itwith the nerves.
I kiss Janelle. Her lips are soft and yield to me instantly. It’s been so long since the last time I kissed her that my dick jumps to attention, ready for action that I never even promised. Her lips are mine right now and that’s good enough for me. I might be tired, but I would never turn down an opportunity to properly taste Janelle.
Losing myself in her lips is easy. One soft kiss turns into a deeper one. Within a few more kisses, I have my tongue in hermouth and my dick is ready to burst out of my underwear. I’ve done everything in my power to control myself up until this point. I’ve been good. I’ve been patient. How can she doubt my affection for her because I hold myself to a standard of respect?
I thought I showed her how I felt with my tongue but now…
I push her onto her back and pin Janelle to the bed with my body. I don’t stop kissing her. She is totally at my mercy in this position. I know she can change her mind at any moment about wanting this, so I am caught up in this moment with her, desperate to keep her wanting more of me.
“What do you want me to say, Janelle? You and I just met…”
I kiss her neck, stopping her from talking by kissing her sweet spot. She bites down on her lower lip to stop herself from moaning. I touch the contours of her body, silently planning which of her clothes I’ll strip off of her first. We’ll have to be quiet. If she won’t keep quiet voluntarily, I can keep my hand over her mouth.
