‘He’s here?’ Mum gathered from my half of the conversation.
‘He is.’ I exhaled a weighty sigh, but it didn’t ease the building pressure on my chest.
‘Lucy, it’s a long way to come if you know you’re in the wrong,’ she said.
‘The proof is in the pudding,’ I said. ‘Jane didn’t lie.’
The initial shock wore off, and I felt the stirrings of the strongest woman I knew inside. It was about time, because my God did I need her.
‘What’s this talk of New Zealand?’
‘Just an idea, Mum. Maybe a couple of months off work and a change of scenery might be just what I need to get over this. I’ve had someone else to think about for as long as I can remember. Maybe I should just take a break, put myself first for once, while I have the chance,’ I reasoned.
‘Running away won’t solve your problems,’ she said.
‘No, but I’d prefer to lick my wounds far away, somewhere private.’
I picked up her iPad, intending to look up flights to pass the evening, dreaming of lands far away from here. Sunny ones, where I didn’t see John Kelly’s face in every corner. Even thinking of his name winded me. That sinking feeling rose to the surface, slowly drowning me again.
I didn’t want to start again on my own. I wanted to be with him, like we had planned. Why did he have to go and throw it all away? After everything we’d been through, he knew me well enough to know I couldn’t tolerate any form of deceit. Why did he have to test the theory?
I closed the iPad and wandered around aimlessly for a while before deciding to run a bath. I filled it with scented oils, bubbles and Epsom salts. I piled my unruly mane of curls into a crab clip on top of my head and sank under the hot water, trying to wash off my troubles. Even taking a bath reminded me of him, sliding in behind me as he had so often done. Closing my eyes, I washed my face and put on a facemask I found lying around in an attempt to make me feel better.
The weight was falling off me, I could see it as I looked down into the bubbles. For once, I wished I could have been fatter and happier. Knowing John was here was alarming. The draw to him pulled so strongly still, magnetic was our connection. The thought of his arms around me, pulling me into his familiar embrace tormented me in a way I wished I could have forgotten.
A stray tear slipped out again despite my best efforts, just when I thought I was improving. If only it had never happened. If only none of us had ever laid eyes on that daft cow, Jennifer. If only he had been here that night instead of at his house. If only I had been there too. It was pointless. I couldn’t keep going over it. I got out and decided I needed some fresh air again. Walking was the only time I could think straight.
I pulled on a pair of my mother’s skinny jeans, her timberland boots and a fleece I’d left here years ago. It had seen better days, but so had I.
As I descended the stairs, she looked up from her phone, surprised. ‘Where are you going?’ She stood to come with me.
The evening was drawing in, but sleep was the last thing on my mind. The house felt claustrophobic. I appreciated everything she had done for me, even just being here with me, but I needed to get out. To be alone.
‘I’m going to the beach for a walk.’ I took my car keys off the mantlepiece.
‘It’s dark. You can’t go out there.’ She tutted maternally.
‘The promenade will be lit. I need the fresh air.’
‘Take your phone with you at least.’ She knew by my stance; she wouldn’t change my mind. ‘Be careful.’ She reluctantly let me pass her.
It was almost nine at night. There was not another soul to be seen at the seafront, not even a lone dog walker. It was kind of eerie, but I craved the solitude. The icy wind nipped my fingertips. I blew on them and shoved them deep into my pockets, walking the length of the pier with no purpose other than escapism. The night was clear, the stars apparent to the naked eye, my breath visible in front of my face, the moon three quarters full.
I found myself sighing heavily again, picturing his face. Wishing this was all a bad dream. I held my phone in my hand inside my fleece pocket, fingering it, almost caving at the thought of ringing him. I imagined hearing the soothing tone of his voice, the reassurance it used to provide. Oh, what I’d have done to go back in time.
The intensity of my longing frightened me. As a knee jerk reaction, I flung the phone as high and as hard as I could physically manage off the pier and into the Solent. I didn’t hear the splash, but it gave me a small rush of satisfaction as I pictured it sinking into the waves, deep onto the floor of the ocean, never to be seen again.
All contact with John and everyone else I had met in Ireland through him gone with it. There was no way I could stay in touch with my new friends now, it would be too hard. I needed a clean break. There was no half measure.
I sat on the memorial bench halfway up the pier and watched as the passenger ferry disembarked and three lonely stragglers got off the boat into awaiting vehicles. A car engine ignite. I briefly wondered who they were going home to. A loving wife? A family? Or a microwave meal for one. Who knew?
I was again reminded that everyone was just living their own life, trying to get by in whichever way they could. I would get by; it would just take time. Lots of time.
Car lights swept the ground in front of me. The purr of the engine disappeared into the distance, leaving me in silence again, bar the gentle shushing of the current below the wooden panel of the pier. The ferry pulled back out into the sea to return to the mainland for one final trip before the working day was complete.
I stood again and continued my walk towards the end of the pier. The wooden beams beneath my feet were slippery from the splashes of the stronger tide. Speed bumps were positioned every few metres apart on the pier, but you’d have to have a death wish to be speeding on here anyhow.
I thought I was completely alone out here, but in the distance, I glimpsed a figure walking towards me. The silhouette of a man hunched low from the wind. He was tall and of pale complexion, his skin practically luminous under the moonlight. I stopped dead in my tracks, caught like a rabbit in the headlights. My sudden halt drew attention to myself, he glanced up from his own world of thought and stopped too, only a couple of metres in front of me.
