‘Lucy? Is that you?’ His voice pierced the quiet like a knife through my heart, and my eyes squinted to adjust. I couldn’t be certain they weren’t playing tricks on me.
‘John? What are you doing out here?’ I knew he was close by; I just didn’t realise how close. I knew this man inside out, at least I thought I did. I shouldn’t have been surprised at his determination to speak to me when he had come this far.
‘I needed to see you. Nobody knew where you were. The general consensus was the only place left you could be was here. Your mother wouldn’t take my phone calls either.’ He looked sheepish for a moment before taking a step towards me.
‘Don’t come any closer. Do not touch me.’ Tears threatened to break again, pooling in my glassy eyes. I didn’t want to go over what happened. I couldn’t bear to hear the details, to have them confirmed. What was done was done. I’d far rather have left it the way it was; I didn’t want an apology or an explanation. I just wanted to draw a line under it and move on with my life.
‘Please, girl,’ he said. ‘It’s not what you think.’
‘It’s only what I deserve. I’m not exactly Mother Theresa myself,’ I consigned.
‘I knew you would be doing this to yourself, beating yourself up over something that didn’t happen, because you feel like you brought it on yourself. That you somehow deserved this. It’s crap, Lucy. And if you’d just listen to me for a few minutes you’d know that,’ he said, braving three quick steps towards me.
‘So, you’re telling me Jennifer didn’t spend the night with you, Thursday two weeks ago? The one night of our entire relationship that coincidently I couldn’t get hold of you?’
He had the grace to look at the floor.
‘It wasn’t like that. I have zero interest in her. She landed on the doorstep drunk. What was I meant to do? Put her back into her car?’ he said, running a hand over his stubble.
‘I couldn’t care less what you did with her, unless you let her into your house, our home. How could you do that to me? After everything we’ve been through.’ My voice broke, cracked and pained. I shoved my hands into my pockets again, for fear I might reach out to him. The physical draw was still overwhelming, despite what had happened.
‘She wanted to talk. She’s got issues. I wanted to let her get them off her chest once and for all. Stupidly, I thought at least that way she might leave us alone if she knew she had said everything she wanted to, and it still made zero difference. I wish to God I’d shut the door in her face, I really do. The only reason I didn’t was because she said she’d jump into the river if I didn’thear her out. She was in such a state and she’s pretty fucking unpredictable as it is, I didn’t want that on my conscience. With hindsight, I would have taken my chances. I’m so sorry.’
I had no words as I gazed up at his gorgeous face in the moonlight. He looked like a broken man, tired, dishevelled, even paler than usual.
He looked how I felt.
But it didn’t change a thing.
He shouldn’t have let her in. Literally and figuratively.
‘Nothing happened. She threw herself at me, told me there was something wrong with me if I couldn’t just take it for what it was.’ His hands wandered to the back of his head as he shook it with regret.
‘Stop it, John. I can’t bear it.’ I winced at the details and raised my hands up to halt him.
‘I’m telling you Lucy, nothing happened. She refused to go home, she was crying and shouting. She was furious with me that she couldn’t have her way. Then, when she calmed down, she asked me if could she crash on the couch. I couldn’t throw her out into the night in that state.’
‘Well, that’s exactly what you should have done, John. Because right now you’re as well to have done the worst, because it makes no difference now. You put her first that night. You lied to me. You didn’t tell me about this, that’s lying even if it’s by omission. I need complete honesty. You of all people know that.’ Frustration bubbled inside, churning in my empty stomach.
I wanted to believe him nothing happened, but there would always be that element of doubt in my mind. I couldn’t fully trust any man. Especially after what my father had done to my mother.
‘I know. Believe me I know, Lucy, but look at me.’ He gestured to his blatant state of despair, which mirrored my own sorry self.
‘You know how I feel about you. Can’t we get past this? I swear to God it will never happen again. She used me; this was her exact plan all along. She knew her car would be seen outside my house all night. I find it hard to believe the lengths she went to, to upset you, to come between us. Please, Lucy, I’m begging you don’t let her get between us. Please.’
‘It was you that let her get between us. Not me. I wouldn’t have let her in the front door.’ I was annoyed now, annoyed at her cunning, annoyed at his stupidity, if that’s what it was. Anyone could see she was trouble. You don’t let that in the door.
I felt myself wavering. I wanted to believe him, but how could we get past this? It wasn’t just that he had let her in. He hadn’t told me. It would have been awful. I’m sure I would have completely blown my lid, but he could have avoided all of this heartache if he’d have been brave enough to talk to me.
It seemed we both had trust issues. Mine were obvious, I wore them on my sleeve. His were more subtle. John didn’t trust me not to completely lose my shit over an awkward conversation. I could see his point for a split second, undoubtably I would have jumped to the worst conclusion.
I motioned to the memorial bench, needing to rest my trembling legs.
He took my hand. ‘I’m so sorry, sweetheart. I know how it looked. I promised you I’d never ever hurt you but, unintentionally, I did. I will never, ever let you down. I have never looked at another woman since I met you. You are the only one I want. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, it took me thirty years to find you. I’m not going to lose you now.’
He pulled me into his arms and my resolve wilted completely. He felt so good, so strong, so familiar. He felt like home.
His mouth found mine, delivering a crushing kiss that swept from my mouth to my heart and back again. The relief was acute, both of us palpably grateful to be at one again.
