Nobody set out to get divorced.
A sinking sense of failure enveloped me, even with the knowledge that it was the right thing.
Eventually, Rob would realise it was right too, when he found someone that would really and truly love him and he would really and truly love in return.
I slumped on to the couch downstairs and sobbed my heart out. Cried for myself, cried for Rob, cried at my lost youth, at the fact I’d got married so young in the first place. That I would have this hanging over me for the rest of my life.
It was something I couldn’t undo. I hated hurting him, and I hated that I was the one giving up and breaking the vows.
It certainly wasn’t my intention. If only I could go back in time, I wouldn’t have rushed in and married him in the first place.
As the sun set, I reflected on simpler times, wondering how we had ended up living as two complete strangers. It was only a matter of time before one of us fell in love with somebody else, because we certainly weren’t in love with each other.
My mother warned me years ago that somebody else would turn my head. I immediately dismissed it, the last thing I ever wanted was another man. I thought it was ridiculous at the time, reluctant to take romantic advice from her. She had dreadful taste in men. But my God, she was right. She knew me better than I had given her credit for.
Rob didn’t emerge from his bedroom after our conversation. The guilt ate away at me, but at least it was out in the open. I decided to leave him to think things over for a few days and see how he felt when the dust settled.
I was too immersed in my own thoughts to talk to John that night, wishing to grieve the end of an era in peace. He mightmisunderstand my sorrow. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to leave, to begin a new chapter of my life. It was just that I felt awful, my happiness was costing Rob his.
Chapter Thirteen
SATURDAY 7TH AUGUST 2012
I waited on the couch for Rob to return, he’d been looking at flats in Basingstoke where he could commute to London for work. Construction workers earned way more in The Big Smoke.
It had taken a lot of persuasion to get him to agree to even view the apartments, but I warned him I’d given notice on our rented house in Winchester. We had to leave by the end of August, which didn’t leave a lot of time to get organised. I rang the letting agents for him, gave him the deposit and agreed to pay the first month’s rent cash in advance to secure a property, if he found one he liked. Short of actually viewing them myself, I could do no more for him.
The viewings were at lunch time, and it wasn’t like Rob to be far away from the couch at the weekend. I had to assume that he was deliberately trying to teach me a lesson by not coming home. It wasn’t like he really had any friends he could be with. He’d never wanted to make friends, never tried to socialise with anyone in fact. It was one of our many problems, I loved to be surrounded with people and he had zero interest in socialising with anyone at all, including me.
He had work colleagues, so I assumed he was with one of them.
I worried that something had happened to him, but that was what he wanted; to punish me. To hurt me like he was hurting. I got it. It was only what I deserved and better than no reaction at all. It meant he understood that this was happening, whether or not he liked it.
I looked down at my phone and as I picked it up to check the time again. It rang loudly in my hand. It was John.
‘Hello?’
‘How’s Lucy?’ His gentle voice soothed my soul.
‘I’m ok. You?’
‘You sound deflated.’ His intuition was rarely wrong.
‘It’s nothing. Things have just been a bit difficult today. What did I expect?’ I knew it wouldn’t be easy.
‘What happened? Did he hurt you?’ John automatically jumped to my defence.
‘Not at all. I expect he is trying to punish me though.’
‘Lucy, you are not his mother. And you’re only his wife in writing. He’s a grown man, he needs to accept responsibility for himself. Run yourself a bath, pour yourself a glass of wine, and get into bed. Don’t wait up for him. What kind of state do you think he’ll be in when he gets home? I’m damn sure he’s not out drinking tea somewhere. I worry about you.’ A low sigh whistled over the phone line. ‘I wish you’d let me come over.’
‘That would only add fuel to the fire. This is something I need to sort out myself, but thank you.’
I wasn’t used to anyone fighting my battles for me; it was nice to know I had someone in my corner. But so far, I’d mentioned nothing about John and right or wrong, I hoped to keep it that way to get the divorce across the line quickly. It wasn’t like we were physically involved in another relationship, and it wasn’t like we were going to bump into him in the local pub. The last thing I wanted was Rob to get wind of the driving force of myactions, then deliberately drag things out longer than necessary out of revenge.
The front door banged loudly, and I heard Rob cursing as he struggled to kick his shoes off.
‘I’ve got to go; I’ll text you in a bit. Don’t worry, I’m fine,’ I assured him.
