‘Coming home after all these years was more terrifying than going into battle. War is filled with nameless faces. Enemies you don’t know. Coming home, I thought I was my father’s enemy. And facing the scorn on his face, his disappointment in me, was one of the most daunting confrontations in my life.’
‘You were never my enemy, son,’ a croaky voice calls from up the stairs. ‘I was my own enemy and you bore the brunt of it. I’m sorry, lad.’
Of course, he’s been listening to every word. This old house holds no secrets.
‘We’ve been over this. No need to keep apologising,’ I shout up the stairs.
I place a hand on my sister’s shoulder. ‘I know it’s asking a lot, not only having me here but a child you don’t even know, but she’s a great kid and I’ll take full responsibility for her.’
Andie sighs. ‘I think you’ve completely and utterly lost the plot.’
‘Did you ever get a gut feeling about something? A feeling so powerful you can’t override it, no matter how crazy it sounds?’ My hand grips her shoulder gently.
Andie’s mouth opens and closes again. ‘I… er… I suppose I got that when I held you for the first time. I was only a teenager. I had no idea what to do with a newborn. I’d never even changed a nappy before. But I knew we’d be okay. That we’d work it out. And we did.’
‘So, you understand then?’ I release her shoulder with a smile.
She moistens her lips. ‘You were my brother. My blood. There was no way I was going to let anyone else raise you.’
‘Well, Lily-May doesn’t have that luxury.’ My hands grip the banister as I turn for the stairs, taking them two at a time. I need to find my passport and other identification papers for Declan. ‘I’m going to give her a chance.’
A croaky cough emanates from behind Dad’s half-open bedroom door. ‘Speaking of chances, I think it’s time you gave yourself one, son.’
When I pop my head round the door, my father lifts his head from his pillow, beckoning me in with a crooked finger.
‘In here now, Archie,’ he wheezes, straightening himself in the bed. ‘It’s about time I gave you some fatherly advice, to prepare you for the role you’re volunteering for.’
Fatherly advice? Huh, what does he know about it?
But maybe it’s finally time to let bygones be bygones. I perch on the edge of the mattress.
Roger was more of a father to me than my own father ever was. I may have forgiven him for that, but I’ll never forget.
Narrow eyes hone in on me. ‘Look at you, rushing in to save a life again. You can’t help yourself, can you?’
‘It’s not about me, Dad.’ Heat flashes up my neck. We’re wasting time.
‘Itisabout you, son. You’re forever trying to make up for things that were out of your control. Your mother’s death. The death of your men in the Middle East. The crazed behaviour of Victoria’s tutor. It’s not down to you to save the world. You owe it nothing.’
For a man who I felt I barely knew my entire life, he certainly seems to know me.
‘I blame myself.’ He raps his chest with his palm. ‘I put a lot of nonsense in your head when you were a kid because I was hurting. You matter, Archie. You don’t need to save the world to prove it. Taking on someone else’s kid is a huge responsibility. There’s a chance it won’t work out. You’ll fuck up. Make bad decisions because that’s what people do. We’re only human. Are you going to walk away from Lily-May as quickly as you walked away from Victoria, and say she’s better off without you, too? Because if the answer is yes, then you should stay away and let someone else step up.’
My head shakes in disbelief. ‘You think I just walked away from Victoria? I had to tear my soul away from hers, inch by painful inch. It’s for her own benefit. I fucked up. Unforgivably so.’
‘Don’t you think it should be up to Victoria to decide if what happened is forgivable or not? Did you give her a say in it? Or did you decide to punish yourself for your mistakes and punish her in the process?’ A hacking cough interrupts him. He points at a glass of water sitting on the locker next to the bed.
While I watch him take three long, slow sips, his words wash over me.
There’s a grain of truth to his words.
I am punishing myself for my mistakes. But I deserve to be punished. I bent the rules again. I never learn.
Which is why I’m thinking of bending them again by claiming to be some sort of distant relative of Lily-May’s. It’s the only way I can save her.
Dad clears his throat and sets the glass down with a shaky hand. ‘The woman I met was head over heels in love with you. Victoria worshipped every bone in your body. Love can be hard work, son. But when you find it, it’s worth fighting for. What your mother and I had, it was a once in a lifetime kind of love.’ Yellow eyes cloud wistfully.
‘That’s why I behaved so badly when it was ripped away from me. My behaviour towards you was inexcusable. If I could turn back the clock on how I treated you, I would. But I can’t. Should I continue to punish myself? Rehashing all the things I could have done differently?’
