Instead, Ben kept everything to very neutral topics, with nothing of any substance being discussed.It was as if they both just wanted some moments of peace together.More importantly, they enjoyed hearing each other’s voices and feeling like they were at least a small part of each other’s day.
Each night, after they had talked for almost an hour, Ella would begin her yawning routine.Instead of chastising her about working too hard, Ben told her he loved her and encouraged her to go and get some sleep.He was becoming a master at tip-toeing around her, but it was worth it to feel some of the connection to his wife he missed so much.
One night after telling Ella he loved her and wishing her a good night’s sleep, Ben watched a basketball game as he lay in his bed bored and at a loss of what to do.It was nearly 10:00, but he was not tired for a change.Looking around his room, he saw his journal that he had used to make notes a few nights earlier.Grabbing it, he reread what he had written a few days earlier.Notes for Jeff Question 1
What attracted you to Ella?Her gorgeous face and incredible body, her brilliant mind, her kind sweet spirit, her work ethic, her devotion to her family
What events or actions helped the relationship grow and develop?Talking on the phone, spending time together—balloon ride over Napa, Davy and Mia’s wedding, visiting Hearst Castle
What were the best parts of the early days of your relationship?The excitement of meeting someone who constantly surprised me and also challenged me.The way she made me feel when I was with her.Her openness to new things and her trust in me
What were the most challenging parts?The lack of physicality early on and later the long distance part of the relationship
As Ben read, he realized everything was easy until they hit their first bump in the road—when he had forgotten to use a condom in the shower.That was the first time he had felt frozen out by Ella.Up until that moment, he had basked in the warmth of her affection.He learned very quickly that being on the outs with Ella was a cold, lonely place to be.
Just as Ben had a few nights earlier, he wrote down the next question.
Notes for Jeff Question 2
Outline my goals for the future when we met:Finish grad school, return to Little Rock and do law school, eventually run for office.
Outline Ella’s goals for the future when we met:Graduate from Cal Poly Tech, go to MI, return to Napa and have a big-time job helping wineries become more eco-friendly while still being profitable.
List events that have changed the goals:Getting pregnant and getting married.Moving to Arkansas.
Outline how our goals have changed since we married.Are those goals joint goals or still individual?Or has one person’s agenda hijacked the relationship?
When Ben got to question four, he hesitated.He knew what his goals were, but he was not sure what Ella’s were anymore.To really answer those last two questions authentically, he was going to go back to the weeks and months leading up to her pregnancy and since.He was almost afraid of what he was about to discover.
At the time of his marriage, he had thought they were perfectly aligned in what they wanted for the future.Obviously, he was wrong, and it was what was driving them apart.Maybe Jeff was onto something, and by reflecting on those moments, he might discover a way back to Ella.If so, all this silly homework and counseling would be worth it.
He spent the rest of the night making mental notes about their goals.He was growing more sure that Jeff was onto something.They seemed to have very different goals and dreams.What he knew for sure was that he loved Ella and would never do anything to take her dreams away from her.This process was making one thing clear to him.There might not be a solution to their issue that both of them could live with.That scared him to death.
Chapter 30
When Ben woke the next morning, he was still thinking about question four.He had only answered questions one through three.He reread what he had written.
Notes for Jeff Question 2
Outline my goals for the future when we met:Finish grad school, return to Little Rock and do law school, eventually run for office.
Outline Ella’s goals for the future when we met:Graduate from Cal Poly Tech, go to MI, return to Napa and have a big-time job helping wineries become more eco-friendly while still being profitable.
List events that have changed the goals:Getting pregnant and getting married.Moving to AR.
Outline how our goals have changed since we married.Are those goals joint goals or still individual?Or has one person’s agenda hijacked the relationship?
Determined to answer honestly he wrote:
My goals: Still the same—finish grad school, return to Little Rock and do law school, eventually run for office.
For Ella’s he added:
Ella’s goals?New job for sure.Grad school in MI?Being married to me and raising our son together?
When Ben got to the last part of the question, he found it was really hard to breathe.He was not sure he even wanted to answer it because it meant he was going to have to face a hard truth.All of this time he had thought Ella was just being selfish and immature.But now, he knew.This wasn’t on her.It was on him.The issues in their marriage werehisfault.He had hijacked their relationship without even realizing it.The worst part of this was he had no idea how to fix it.
If Ella was determined to go to Michigan, where did that leave him?He was not sure he was prepared to walk away from the future he had spent his whole life building.But it hit him hard: That was exactly what he was asking from her.At that moment, he saw no way forward, and he has never felt so lost and hopeless in his entire life.Quickly before he changed his mind, he jotted down the truth.
