For the most part, Ben understood what the therapist was saying, but he needed some clarification on what exactly he wanted Ben to reflect upon.“Can you be more specific on what I am supposed to reflect on?”
“Yes, of course.I am going to give you three main assignments.For each one, I want you to spend some time quietly thinking back over the last eight months and be intentional about the order you do so.As you do that, I want you to write down distinct points for us to discuss at your next couple meeting.”Reaching over to his desk, Jeff handed Ben a piece of paper with a list he had been making as they talked.“You will want to read this more closely later, but basically what I want you to do is carefully think through your courtship.For the first assignment, I want you to think back to those early days of your relationship.What attracted you to Ella?What did the two of you do to help your relationship grow and develop?What were the best parts of those days?What were the more challenging parts?
“The second assignment will require you to be real and vulnerable.Everyone comes into a marriage as an individual with very personal goals and hopes for the future.But when you marry, you become a couple.For your marriage to be successful, you have to be able to meld those goals, hopes, and desires into a joint vision for the future.It stops being about you and becomes aboutbothof you.Most couples spend years dating and being engaged, and those goals naturally merge over time.Given the quick timeframe you and your wife met and married, it is not surprising you are having a few hiccups in this area.For this part, I want you to outline for yourself what your and Ella’s individual goals were for your futures when you first met, then jot down how those goals changed over the course of your relationship.Take time to reflect on what events drove the changes.Are your goals, hopes, and desires joint ones?Or has one person’s agenda hijacked the relationship?”
“Lastly, I want you to think about what you love best about being married to Ella and what you find most challenging.I know right now, that sounds like the easiest one to do.However, I encourage you not to try to answer it until you have worked through the first two.I find that couples that stay with the plan have a much deeper understanding of their partner and the relationship.If you really want to answer that question first, do so.But try to answer it again after completing the others and see if you see any differences.
“Most people fall in love with another person in two different ways.The first way is through sensory experience, how the person looks, smells, feels, and makes them feel.That is what we know as the honeymoon phase.The second time a person falls in love with someone, it is in a more spiritual way.It focuses more on the essence of the person, their character, morals, and beliefs, in other words, the deepest part of the person.That is where real love lives.That is the area I want you to really think about as you complete this assignment.”
As Jeff talked, Ben read over the paper he had been given.The homework did not seem too difficult.The most challenging part would be finding the time to do it.
Shaking Ben’s hand, Jeff ushered him to the door and said, “It has been really great meeting you.I can see you really love and care about your wife.I look forward to hearing your responses in two weeks when we meet for your next individual appointment.Ella has already set next week’s time for you both to meet together.But please call to set the next time we can talk just you and me.”
With that, Ben nodded and headed out, surprised to be feeling lighter and more optimistic about his marriage than he had in a long time.
________
Later That Night
It was well after 9:00 pm when Ben dragged himself back to his Little Rock apartment.As was his new normal, he walked into the dark entryway and felt the condo’s cold, sterile vibe.When he and Ella had first moved in, he had encouraged her to decorate the furnished apartment with touches to make it feel more like home.Ella had just looked at him like he was crazy.She had told him that she had no idea how to go about decorating anything.He had forgotten how bad she hated shopping.In the end, she had gone shopping alone and came home with four small items.Now those purchases lay scattered around the tiny living room like relics to their marriage.He clicked on a lamp and felt a deep sadness roll through him.He felt as sad and as lonesome as the apartment looked.Craving time with Ella, he wrenched off his tie, slipped off his shoes, and quickly rang her cell.
Even though Ella was already asleep, she managed to wake up enough to answer.“Hello?”she croaked, her sleepy voice alerting Ben to the fact that he woke her.
“Hey, gorgeous.I am sorry I woke you.I was missing you and just wanted to hear your voice.”
“No, it is fine,” replied Ella.“Just the joys of impending motherhood.Nowadays, I am always tired.Getting to go to bed by eight has become my life’s goal.”
Repeating how sorry he was, Ben added, “If you need to go, we can talk tomorrow.”He felt guilty for waking her and also irritated that he did not know when she was now going to bed.They had not seen each other in almost two weeks.
Ben could hear Ella struggling to sit up.On the other end of the line, she sighed deeply.“No.I want to talk to you.I have missed you.How was your day?I have been dying to hear about your appointment with the counselor.”
“Actually, it was much better than I expected.Jeff’s okay.”
“Yeah, I thought you would like him,” replied Ella.“What else happened today?How is the campaign going?”
Ben was shocked Ella had asked about the campaign.She usually did not bring it up.“Actually, today was a pretty good day.We got several campaign stops scheduled and arranged for at least three fundraising dinners.”
“Sounds productive,” replied Ella.“More productive than my day.I spent all day going over soil sample reports and trying not to go cross-eyed.”A loud yawn escaped as she finished talking.
Instantly, Ben’s over-protective gene kicked in, “Are you sure this job is not too much for you?If you are so tired that you are having to go to bed by eight, that does not sound good.Maybe you need to think about taking a step back, just until the baby is born.”
He meant well, and Ella knew it.But she had it with the job talk.Too tired to enter into another endless argument about it, Ella yawned and said, “Sorry about that.I am so tired.I think I had better go.”
“Sure,” replied Ben.“I love you.We can talk tomorrow.I will make sure to call before eight.”
“Yeah, love you too.Talk to you tomorrow,” said Ella before hanging up.
Still standing in the middle of his bare living room, Ben tried but failed not to feel defeated.All he had wanted to do was talk to his wife.Was that so much to ask?He knew she was tired.Of course she was tired.She was working a job she had no business working.
Oh, how Ben had loved hearing Ella’s voice, but the conversation left him feeling worse than before he called.Grabbing a bag of chips and a beer, Ben headed for the bedroom.After a quick shower, he settled in bed with his very unhealthy dinner.Taking out the paper Jeff had given him earlier in the day, Ben decided to get started on his “relationship homework.”
Reading the first assignment, he took his journal out of his nightstand and wrote down the first question, making sure to jot down all the various components of the question.Over the next two hours, Ben let his mind take him back to those early days in Napa and reflect on them.He took his time writing his response to the questions, trying to be as honest as possible.
Chapter 29
Little Rock, Arkansas
Having learned his lesson about calling Ella after 8:00, over the next few days, Ben diligently called her every night by 7:00.For the past few nights, they had actually had some pretty good conversations.He made sure not to bring up her job.Each night after their call, Ben “worked” on the assignment that Jeff had given him.He wanted to ask Ella how her “homework” was going, but he refrained from asking for fear it might stress her.He knew how seriously Ella took her work.Ben had no doubt she had completed her homework in one night.
