Seeing Ella cry and knowing he caused it destroyed Ben.Dropping down next to her, he said softly, “Ella, baby.I am so sorry.This is all my fault.Please don’t cry.I am sorry.I am so, so sorry.I can’t stand to watch you hurting like this.Tell me what to do.How can I make it better?”
Ella continued to sob for several minutes, then through her tears she managed to say, “I am sorry.This is just everything the nuns pounded into me my whole life.I am really scared.A baby would totally destroy my future.Surely, you understand that.I have dreamed of finishing my master’s and then coming back to Napa to work.None of that can happen with a baby.The thought that all my dreams could be gone in an instant is just too much for me to handle.”
Ben nodded his understanding, “I totally get that.Please know that whatever happens, I will always be here for you.”
Ben’s words seemed to mollify Ella a bit, and after a few more minutes, she managed to stop crying.Wiping her tears, she shrugged.“Wow.This is a lot.Isn’t it?”
Nodding, still holding Ella close, Ben replied, “Yeah, but whatever happens, we are in this together.”
Ella thought about that and hoped it was true.At the end of the day, they had only known each other a short time.
Knowing that sitting on the floor of their hotel room worrying about something they could at that moment do nothing about was a waste of time.Ben kissed Ella’s forehead softly and said, “How about we go get breakfast and agree not to worry any more about this until we actually have something to worry about?”
Wiping the last of the tears from her eyes, Ella agreed.
Over the next few hours, they grabbed some breakfast and took a long walk on the beach.Ben held Ella’s hand the whole time, but he could not shake the feeling that something had shifted in their relationship.Before she had been totally open and free with him.Now she seemed guarded and more reserved.Ben tried several times to engage Ella and draw her back to him, but she gave only one-word answers—if she answered at all.After a while, Ben gave up trying.They spent most of the rest of the day in silence, watching the waves roll in.
Ella did not want to ignore Ben, but all she could focus on was how much she did not want to have a baby.In fact, a baby was thevery lastthing in the world she wanted.Of course, she wanted to be a mom, but not for years, only after grad school and then after she had established herself in her career.Then she would think about those things.She had her whole future in front of her.A baby would derail her entire life.
At that time, Ella seriously considered getting the morning after pill.To her knowledge her mother had never usedanybirth control.She was a staunch Catholic, who always said she would have all the children God wanted to give her.Ella had always assumed she would do the same when the time came.So that was giving her pause.When she had researched her chances of getting pregnant earlier, she had learned how the morning after pill worked.While technically it did not terminate a pregnancy, it did prevent one from developing.Ella believed life began at conception.After much thought, she decided that it was not for her.If God wanted her to have a baby, she would have a baby.She just prayed He did not.
Around 3:00, Ella’s ride called and asked what time she wanted to head back.Usually, she pushed it as late as possible.Today, she wanted to be home and told him that she was ready when he was.Her friend said he would be there shortly.
Normally, Ella hated saying goodbye to Ben, but today, she could not get away from him fast enough.When Ben reached over to give her a kiss on the lips, she instantly turned her head.Ben jerked back and gave her a hurt look but said nothing.Then he kissed her softly on the forehead and asked her to call when she got home.Ella nodded but said nothing as she quickly got into the car.
As the car drove away, Ben stood watching, saddened by Ella’s distance but clueless how to fix the situation.He knew time would either heal the gap between them or blow it wide open.The thought of losing Ella filled him with an emptiness he had never experienced before.
Chapter 9
Napa, California
Unlike all the previous times when Ella returned from San Luis, she did not call Ben when she arrived at home.Instead, she sent a quick text letting him know she had made it there safely and was tired and going to bed.Her phone immediately started ringing, but she ignored it.She had used all the energy she had talking with him during the day.That was the first time since they met that Ella went to bed without hearing Ben’s voice telling her goodnight.It was childish on her part not to answer, but so be it.That trend continued for the next three days.When Ben would call, Ella would text that she was working or busy or tired.She was out of words for him.
Given that the previous two weeks Ella had spent most of every waking hour on school work and now that she was done, she was catching up on all the sleep she had missed.Of course, she had still not told her parents about having completed her projects or being done with school.When they asked if she needed time for school work, she would say that she was good.Her mood was low all week.Luckily for her, no one in her family ever addressed anything of a serious matter, so no one even asked her about it.Her family always acted as if everything was normal, smiling and pretending all was good.It was how they dealt with things—or rather, how they didnotdeal with them.
On Thursday, Ella woke up early.She was pleasantly surprised to find that she felt crampy.When she went to the bathroom, she found that her good old Aunt Flo had shown up right on time.Relief flooded through her.She had never been more happy to drag out pads and tampons.The first thing she did was call Ben.Not surprising, he did not answer because it was not even 6:00 yet.But Ella left him a message letting him know all was good.The smile that played across her face lit up the room.No one addressed her abrupt change in attitude, but her whole family was glad to have their Ella back.
The minute Ben woke up, he listened to Ella’s message.He wanted to call her back and talk, but by then, she was already working the early shift at the diner.He knew her father did not like her taking personal calls during work.So he contented himself with the fact that Ella sounded like herself for the first time since Sunday morning.He had missed her.He had felt frozen out by her and had no idea how to deal with that.Luckily, he seemed like he would not have to.He sent a happy emoji and asked her to call him when she could talk.
Later that night when Ella called, Ben answered on the first ring.“Hello, beautiful.I have missed you.”
Laughing, Ella replied, “I have missed you too.How was your day?”
“Not as great as yours apparently”
“You are right.I have never been so happy to get my period in my whole life.I never want to go through that again.The whole thing totally freaked me out.”
“Understood,” replied Ben.He too was relieved, but something about how vehemently she did not want to have a child rankled him.Was it any child or just his?“I know what you said about your plans for grad school and after, but just for clarification, you do want to have kids someday, right?”
“Of course,” replied Ella quickly.“I want kids someday, like ten years from now.But a baby now would ruin everything.”
Ben could not help but think of his own mother and how she was the exact same age as Ella when she got pregnant with him.He wondered if she had thought he ruined her life.If so, that would make him very sad.Thinking of his mom, Ben said, “Not saying I wish you were pregnant or anything, but you know my mom was your age when she had me.It can work out.”
Ella was quiet for a minute.She was not sure how to respond to that.After a second, she said, “Well, from what you told me, your mom had someone who supported her and provided free babysitting while she finished her school and developed her career.I don’t really see anyone signing up to go to Michigan with me in the fall to support me and watch a kid while I pursue my dreams, so it is really not the same thing.”
“Lucky for us, that is not an issue,” replied Ben.He wanted to add something to the conversation but had no idea what that should be, so he let it go.Instead, he said, “I know this might not be the best time to talk about this, but there is something that has been bothering me all week, and I would like to talk about it.”
Unlike Ella, Ben had grown up in a home where everything was discussed.If someone had an issue, it was addressed.If someone was upset about something, they sat down and talked it out.Unaware that was not how Ella was raised, Ben said, “I really did not like how you froze me out all week.From the minute I screwed up last Sunday, you have been acting really weird toward me.You distanced yourself from me and did not take my calls.I know you were upset, but we could have talked about it.We could have worked at finding a solution if one was needed.”
